Rehab.. Healing ...

It's been a while since I blogged here.. So, I guess a Hello is long overdue.  This is where I could blog without feeling like I will be judged for every thing I wear, every person I hang or no longer hang with etc.etc.

This journey in modeling has taken me to some amazing places, I've walked in celebrity shows, fashion weeks,walked for the Plus Designer of the Year, produced my first show of my own, I have my own DAY in my city and had several models published and paid. It's been a really wild ride. I have learned alot about people.. but I'm still learning about the people in my life, more over the ones who share my DNA. I know people think that because I have an empowerment group that I don't have bad days or bad things happen to me or people mistreat me.. WRONG!!! That has been a Life's issue. Funny thing is.. the other night, the one thing that has hung over my head like a dark cloud is the relationship or the lack of with certain family members.

For the most part, I don't really speak with those that are kin to me because there just isn't a point really anymore. They will always see me as the black sheep that won't comply with their line of bat guano and I will always think they are full of it. * it is what it is. * I've become accustomed to the silence, especially since I won't deal with my parental unit. I really really get tired of people pretending like they don't know what that woman put me through in my life, that they aren't privy to the foolishness that happens when I use to try to be the BIGGER person and give in to their foolishness just to say I have a relationship with them. Everytime I do, the same thing happens.. She does something outrageous and I'm suppose to say "Oh it's ok for you to call me out of my name, or lie about me to people, sure.. I'll accept that because you are my " BIRTH" mother." .. Chile bye.. I am almost 40 years old.. trip off a bridge. I don't subscribe to that bull anymore.. I live for my own happiness..

Once you stop giving in to the demands and manipulation of others, you begin to truly enjoy your life. Validation of my feelings was always my argument with family members. I got tired of saying "You aren't listening to me" So I just quit talking..and learned to validate my OWN feelings.

Well, the other night, I ran into a friend of the family. We hadn't seen each other in at least 15 years. She asked me about my mother and I prepared myself for the usual, " but that's your mom" speech.. But I didn't get it.When I told her we don't have a relationship, she said, " I completely understand, she was a piece of work" ( that's the PG version) .. I was speechless. She said she had always prayed for my spirit because she knew what I was dealing with when it came to her. She would always hear ONE side from everyone else but they would Never say anything POSITIVE about me. I have to be honest, that one brought tears to my eyes because your family is suppose to be the ones who have your back before anyone else.. but.. I quickly dried those tears because I was use to it. That's a shame to even say.. smh..

Anyway, we talked some more about my family and how they don't really deal with me or my children and how I was always the problem child, the HELLION .. and her response to me was, " if that's the truth then look what you came from."... WOW! She said it's a wonder I hadn't killed myself. You have to know the lady I was talking to, she is a straight shooter. She told me some really really messed up things that happened in the streets where my parents were concerned.. and I, unfortunately, wasn't shocked..Same ish just a different butt hole. It was still extremely embarrassing to hear.. to even be kin to a person like this.. that I came from a person like this. It is a generational curse .. one I'm trying to break. It explains so much about the thoughts I've had and the things I've done in my past. I am a product of my DNA..

I don't want this to sound like I am just full of hate.. that's not the case.. I actually forgive every member of my family. Not because I'm weak but because holding on to it.. only hurts me.. They could care less. I couldn't continue to hold on to all that evil.. it truly does make you do, say and think strangely. So I turned it over and walked away. I became OK with having my husband and my children and my real friends as a part of my life. They are my family.. and they really support me and Love me.. It took a while and its still a long road to healing but I am alot further than I was before...

I guess this conversation was just validation for me. I wasn't crazy and making up stories like most people thought or were told. The truth is the truth.. It felt good for someone to say, I believe you.. and not only BELIEVE YOU but BELIEVE *IN* you.. As awesome as most people would think that would be to hear,, it gives me sooo much to think about.. Think of it like a broken leg. that was reset incorrectly.. it has to be broken again and rehab to get you back to normal.. So I guess that's what I'm dealing with now.. I'm in REHAB.. I'm sure it will pass soon enough but right now I just don't feel like being around alot of people and attitudes are definitely not a great thing.. Even with rehab people are prone to set backs. All of these people, who haven't treated me fairly are asking and expecting things from me that they aren't going to get ... You don't deserve it. And I'm really good with NO RESPONSE lately.. So until I feel like dealing with the * fakeness* I'm just here chillin .. thinking, healing and rehabbing..

New blog Site

So .. I'm on this journey as a Full Figured Model now.. It's been a life long dream of mine to rip the runway and now .. I finally have a real shot at it.. Follow me, as I begin this journey with my new management company Blaq Pearl Ent. out of Atlanta, Ga.  I feel so Blessed to be a part of such a wonderful, empowering team and I am going to do my part to make sure that women with Fabulously Full Figures.. know their Worth, Rock that Runway and uplift each other as we take the world OVER.. I hope you will join me at http://figurefulloffabulous.blogspot.com/...

Hope to see you there.. 

Blessed to be A Blessing..

On my way home from practice I noticed an elderly man walking with bags..  It caught my attention because he bent over and sat them down and grabbed his back. I drove past him but quickly got in the turn lane ..  Now I know that people are crazy these days and you can't trust everyone.. But we will never get back to being known as the SWEET LOVING TOWN that we all loved growing up..  Trusting in GOD, I went back to pick up this very nice gentlemen who was walking WITH bags from WALMART to the neighborhood Mastin Lake School..  We may think that's nothing but after going through what I have this week with heat and heart troubles.. there was NO WAY I was letting that man walk another step..

I asked him if I could give him a ride and he QUICKLY smiled and said YES.. He got in the car slow.. Tired and very hot.. and he said I was his ANGEL for the DAY.. I said I'm no angel I was just raised right.. I said my father would not be pleased if I had let him walk.. it was TOO hot.. And he replied with.. I have to DO what I have to do.. My wife is bedridden and I don't drive.. *my heart instantly broke*  I remember what that was like taking care of my father.. It's not their fault that they are sick.. but those that step in to take care of them.. need a break sometimes.. The further we drove the more I realized how LONG it would have taken him to get home.. I wondered how long he had been out in the sun.. *heart breaking again* ... 

I told him that I would help him if he needed it.. because that's just what we are suppose to do.. You step in.. when their is work to be done.. I've been blessed.. so I have to Pay it FORWARD.. I won't say what I saw when I pulled up to the house .. but I will say ...that.. sometimes.. People are put in your life for a reason.  I gave him my number and told him to call anytime.. and when he calls.. I'm going to GO..  why? Because one day.. that could be ME..  it has been me.. and I would want someone to take just a moment of their time to DO THE RIGHT THING..

You don't have to do what I did.. But just take a second and put yourself in someone else's shoes.. There are people in the nursing homes that don't get ANY visitors at all.. Go sit and talk to some of them.. Learn some of their HUNTSVILLE HISTORY.. Go to the Hospitals and volunteer.. To the Veteran's Home.. Don't just talk about it.. make it a way of LIFE.. You may think it's nothing .. but to someone else.. It could change their entire DAY..

I thank God for putting me in that place and that time.. It made me see just how BLESSED I am to have a car.. a home.. it makes me appreciate the people around me.. and to be THANKFUL for what I do have.. and stop worrying about what I DON'T have..

You all are a blessing to me..whether you know it or not.. and I had to PAY IT FORWARD.

Word of my LIFE: Change

I know some of you might not believe me.. and I know a few of you may be GRATEFUL for it.. However, none of this is for anyone but ME.. I'm changing.. The more I fight it.. the more I change.. So I guess I just need to stop fighting it, huh?.. For some reason, I honestly don't even feel like dealing with the foolishness that I use to look FORWARD too a few months ago. I really don't enjoy the same people that I had in my life.. or should I say the same KIND of people. I honestly think it's MY TIME.. with my children, my husband, my family.. and most of all GOD.  I don't know what Changed.. or actually when it Changed.. But I'm kinda glad it did. 

Tonight at church.. the pastor was from Pine Grove. And he talked about Peter.. and how he stepped out on faith.. ( stepped out of the boat) and walked on water.. And he was doing good.. until he took his eyes off GOD and looked at the wind. The minute he did.. it was a done deal.. And I think that's what I have been going through.. I was so focused on the things that I knew were going to change that I lost focus of what was keeping me afloat.  I have given way too much of my time and energy to foolishness, foolish people, and foolish needs.. Always trying to please others .. and forgetting that I deserve the same happiness that I'm trying to give everyone else. 

After church, I went to talk to my Uncle Calvin( he's really my god father.. but we are Southern so that's what we say).. and I asked him had he talked to my biological mother.. and he said no. I told him that she had a heart attack ... and he said he would pray for her.. and then he said something.. that really.. the more I think about it .. makes me want to cry.. He said.. " you know she is still mad at me because she thinks I chose YOU over her... You didn't even know that did you?" I didn't know that was why she stopped going to his church but I wasn't surprised at what he said.. because she said the very same thing to my father after my sister died. She said my father was paying too much attention to me.. Well he had just buried his first born.. what did you think he would do with his last biological child? She always told me that I ruined her marriage.. and just tonight it hit me.. I mean Really HIT me.. She couldn't love ME.. because she didn't love Herself.. 

But here again.. is where the same bible verse that has been repeated to me over and over for the past week comes in.. Earlier in the night, my godfather said.. Don't look in the first chapters of Job.. go to the back.. like the 42nd chapter..  The bible verse that has been repeated.. Job 42:10.. "Pray for your friends and everything that has been taken from you will be returned double."

The pastor that spoke kept saying .. Everyone can't GO where you are going.. and Be thankful for the things that you have.. the lil miracles.. My fb *god wants you to know* said the exact same thing... " Stop looking for the BIG Miracles and pay attention to the SMALL ones"...

How does all this tie in.. I've been waiting on BIG miracles.. friends that I've lost to be returned, my sister, my family, my father.. and I wasn't paying any attention.. The more I pray the more I realize that everything that was taken from me.. HAS been returned but I was too blind to see it.. .. 


I was never loved by my birth mother, but God sent me a NEW one..Ebony Krystal... One who prays for me, loves me unconditionally, and loves my children.. my husband... She went out of her way, spent money she needed, to be here for my wedding.. so that I would have A PARENT here.. She didn't give birth to me.. but she would kill for me just as I would her..  That's my Miracle...


I wanted friends that I lost and thought I needed to be returned to me.. I'm looking in ONE direction and my twin( a sister... and a friend) Latara was standing beside me. She is one of those people that you don't come across everyday.. She has one of those Hearts that just seem to never stop showing love.. I don't know how she does it.. but that's what I strive to be.. She is only a year older than me.. and she's shorter than me.. :) but words can not express how I look up to her.. Sometimes ... ok all the time.. I feel like she doesn't see how wonderful she really is.. She has been my sister, my friend, my conscience, my back bone, and my confidant.. MAJOR miracle..


My brother has always been my ROCK.. he was my Security growing up.. We don't always see eye to eye on things .. but he's so far away that .. I feel like our relationship is stranded.. But, when he isn't around.. I have the BEST big brother every.. Carlos..Ya'll have heard me talk about him forever.. He's the one man outside of my husband and son that I would literally take a bullet for.. There aren't many LIKE him.. okay.. there really isn't ANYONE like him.. 
SUPER MAJOR MIRACLE..


I have all these people in my life that God has already given me.. to replace what I THOUGHT I have been missing.. They have been there the whole time.. Eyes Wide Shut.. Couldn't see the forest for the trees.. God gave it too me long before I ever realized it was what I needed.. He replaced the bad feelings with comfort.. the bad people, with Blessings... and the filled in my heart where there was a void.. 


I know this is really long and you have probably skipped through half of it.. but I just have to say.. God is GOOD.. Period.. We can say it all Day.. but you will never have a TESTIMONY.. without a TEST..  He doesn't test you to fail you.. he tests you to promote you.. 
It's all in how you choose to receive it.. Alot of people have doubts about religion but I honestly think the problem is with the Church.. not GOD.. but I guess everyone has to learn for themselves.. all I can say is I'm so Glad I got him.. because without him.. I would be nowhere.. 


A bigger CHANGE is coming.. I'm claiming.. I've said it.. so now I have to believe and prepare myself for it.. 


Song that's been in my head all day.. 

:)... LOVEEEE IT.. Old school ..

Say it with your ...... HEART!

Today ... I woke up to an alert from Facebook from my niece ... She was talking about how much she missed her grandfather.. It breaks my heart that my babies have so much hurt in their hearts. I wish I could fix it for them all.. Their grandfathers loved them more than anything in this world... They both said that they were fighting with GOD to stay here for them.. Can you believe that.. They loved them SO much that they were willing to give up HEAVEN just to spend more time with them.. Priceless.. I tried my hardest to try to make her understand but then again.. there are things that I don't understand.. I wish that my father was here to explain them to me..

We have to Mime 3rd Sunday at church on FATHER'S DAY of all days...my 1st without my daddy.. and I swear I don't know if I will be able to make it through this.. The song we are ministering to is Marvin Sapp " Never would have made it"..... It's almost poetic huh? It took everything in me to get up and go to church this morning for practice.. because everytime I THINK of this song... I start to cry.. But as my father taught me.. I had to suck it up and get it done.  I walked in and one of our Elders was there waiting on me so that he could talk to the entire group. I'm glad he waited because I needed to hear exactly what he needed to say...

Since my wedding, I have had some really big wake up calls... lost friends that I thought would always be there.. people assuming alot, saying things to me that others are saying ABOUT me, people in church having an issue with me because they have issues with people I am friends with.. and just basically being ostracized for whatever reason. I, for the LIFE of me, couldn't figure out why...and I have gone over it and over it in my head ... Did I do something wrong.. When did everything change? What the hell happened...  And as soon as Elder B started to speak... it hit me like a ton of bricks.. There are/ were people in my life who didn't need to be there in the beginning.. Some are around for the wrong reasons, some are jealous, some are just plain SAD. not sad in the sense of they are pitiful.. but sad in the purest form.. They don't have any joy in their life.. He said .. the happiness that I have, the dedication to the church that I have ( even though I am far from what most consider CHRISTIAN) .. the sacrifices I make for others... It's a slap in the face to some people because they are trying so hard to have a VOICE in this world that they would use anything and anyone to be noticed.. I have been that sacrifice ... I have been the scapegoat ... but I'm coming into my SEASON. It's funny that he said that because one of the people I lost... or as he says Lost ME.. use to say that to me often.. I guess people really are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Now, am I perfect.... **** NO!... no way no how.. I mess up DAILY!..Some times everytime I blink my eyes I'm having horrible thoughts about people. I want to choke them for the way they have treated me or for not being the people that they appeared to be ... But then I think about it.. They were ALWAYS the people I thought they were... or felt they were...because I am a pretty good judge of character with people.. They were what I tried to make myself believe they WEREN'T.. Maybe I didn't hug them enough when I walked into the church.. Maybe I didn't call them enough ... maybe .. maybe maybe... But the bottomline is... I am changing .. and whether I believe it or not... others are starting to see it for themselves.. Can I live up to what they want me to be.. Definitely NOT.. no matter how my heart may desire to be the best person I can be.. I'm never going to be who OTHERS want me to be... and for the first time in my life .. I'm good with that... I have lived my life.. in the shadow of others.. ALWAYS.. my sisters, my mother's past.. what ever... but now .. Finally.. It's MY turn and I'm not a terrible person.. Their words were just that.. LIES.. their expectations were WRONG..

So now ... I'm learning to love me for the Fabulous person that I am.. I'm not putting a lot of faith in people because I have been fooled before ... My Twin tells me that People shouldn't start with an A ... as I say.. They should start with an C..( well she says F hahahaha.. but we settled for a C) With a C you are on level ground.. its up to YOU to choose which way you go from there... I think that's fair.. I've always wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt but ... that hasn't worked.. Its crazy to keep putting my hand on the fire and thinking I won't get burned again... Those before have made it harder for those to come... OH well... Friendships/ relationships/ associations shouldn't just become REAL.. they need to be earned.. I'm worth that.. The people I want in my life are WORTH that.. They shouldn't just ACCEPT me at face value either.. I have faults.. Lots of them... But mistreating people is not my thing.. I hate that.. but it happens.. I'm human..

We will see what the rest of this year brings.. but for right now.. Where I am ... with my friends, my family and my husband.. I'm GOOD ...

I can't do it anymore... Real talk..

I can't not understand why I am suppose to be some super human with no feelings of my own.. and able to take just MOUNDS of Bullshit off of people.. Why have I been selected the one to take all the bullshit from every single person in the world.. and have the ability to turn the other cheek. This is MY life..and people seem to feel like I OWE them something.. I don't owe anyone Shit.. Least of all my mother.. She hasn't done anything for me since June 21,1975 when she went into labor.. unless you count all the bullshit I have been through because of her.. Jail, fights... foolishness.. all that.. all thanks to my mother. 


I don't have anything to PROVE to her. I did everything she told me I would never be able to do, I'm a good mother, a college graduate... a wife.. I don't need to PROVE that I beat the odds.. My life says it enough.. Maybe not to everyone else.. but to me.. I'm done with this. My biological mother having a heart attack today means nothing to me.. That's what happens when you tell your daughter she will never amount to shit, that she is the reason a marriage didn't work.. because as a 12 year old... I took her husband from her... *_*.. I don't need to sit in the heat again with my small children because she wouldn't let me come to her house for shelter with HER grandchildren... I no longer think that I DESERVED to be raped.. according to HER I asked for it.. I called and checked on her tonight.. but when I had a heart attack and actually DIED.. she could have cared less.. When my father died.. she never called.. she only went after the MONEY.. Has YET to call and say are you ok? And we won't even talk about the shit she did to my sister...


I see that my feelings will NEVER mean anything to anyone and I do mean ANYONE.. As long as I am doing what everyone else Wants me to do.. I will be loved... well to that I say .. Fuck it.. I threw my Give a damn down the street and watched it get run over by an 18 wheeler. I am tired of living my life so that noone will be upset with me.. I'm not doing what others THINK I should do anymore.. I'm doing what's best for ME.. and my children.. and SHE is not good for either of us. There would be no real need to go see her.. and I'm not hoping for any type of reconciliation with her because she is poison. Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean that I have to continue to have her in my life.. When she told me I was NO LONGER her daughter.. It hurt like hell... but I have accepted that and it's good now.. I don't believe in these outta body ... come to Jesus.. feelings people seem to get when they have treated you like shit all your life. It's not my responsibility to get you into the pearly gates.. That's all it would be... and I'm not falling for that shit.. I pray for her.. but being in her presence is the most UN-SMART thing I could ever do.. I could easily black the hell out and choke the shit out of her sitting in that bed.  I know people are hoping for the best ( in their mind).. but I'm done with the fairy tales and happy endings.. I have prayed for her.. and I will pray for her always.. but that's all she gets.. I don't feel a NEED to rub anything in her face because she is irrelevant to me .. 


So, although I thank everyone for their concern and well wishes.. I can't be a fool for her or a do girl for anyone else. I am literally tired of dealing with everyone else's dumb shit and then them wanting me to be their savior so that they can get to Glory. It is YOUR job to do that for yourself.. I don't take ownership of that guilt anymore.. I have to have MY LIFE back.. If noone understands... oh well.. but life goes on.. I had to learn that the hard way... 


What I've learned... is .. Turning the other cheek only means you get slapped TWICE.. 

TIRED.. But I'm moving away from BITTER BITCH BLVD..

So.. I'm sitting here talking to my friend Q.. and says to me.. that everytime he hears the song "TIRED" by Kelly Price.. he thinks of me..  I had never heard that song before.. so I went to youtube and this is what I found..





"Tired"

There's a whole in my heart...
My soul... is bleeding...
I need to free...my mind...
And see what...I'm feeling
Cause Lord knows, Lord knows,
I'm......

(I'm tired)
Tired of the way he treats me
(Tired)
Tired of the guilty feelings (tired)
Tired of the broken dreams (tired)
I'm (tired) tired of the public scenes
I'm (tired) tired of the Baby Mamas (tired)
Tired of the ghetto drama (tired)
Tired of the back and forth (tired)
I'm (tired) tired of in and out the courts
I'm (tired) tired of all the games and lies
I'm (tired) tired of phony alibis
I'm (tired) tired of praying that it works
I'm (tired) even tired of going to church
I'm (tired) tired of paying these bills
I'm (tired) said I'm tired of keeping it real
I'm (tired) tired of crying (tired)
and I'm tired of smiling (tired)
I'm tired of the haters
I'm (tired) I'm tired of the players
I'm (tired) tired of the games
I'm so tired (tired)
Cause it's about to drive me insane (tired)
And Oh I'm so tired of taking it (tired)
Said yeah I'm so tired of faking it (tired)
Cause you don't do it for me no more (tired)
You just don't do it no more (tired)
I'm tired of being wronged and doing right
(tired)
Said I'm tired of keeping peace and tired of fighting (tired)
I'm tired of letting go, then holding on (tired)
I'm tired of feeling weak and being strong (tired)
So let me hear if you tired (tired)
Gotta make some noise if you tired (tired)
Oh throw them up if you tired (tired)
Now wave your hands if your tired

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Let it go!


How in the hell did she know? I mean how the hell did HE? I've lost a lot of things in my life.. and I can honestly say I don't know too many people who have SURVIVED the things that I have survived.. with the exception of his wife.. She doesn't know it but .. I look up to her for even waking up in the morning.. 


This song speaks so much to what has been in my heart for so many years and even recently..  I am TIRED.. really TIRED of  people expecting things of me that they aren't willing to do themselves.. For instance.. HAVING MY BACK.. I'm real sick and tired of being everyone's scape goat.. All I ever hear is "don't keep things bottled up Dionne.. it's gonna kill you".. But what they really mean is.. Don't keep what everyone ELSE does to you bottled up.. Just don't tell ME what I'm doing wrong.. Don't call me on MY shit.. cause that's just unacceptable.. So easy to point fingers in one direction and not realize that there are 3 more pointing right back at you... Now who gone check ME BOO? Most definitely NOT YOU.. 


I'm tired of people not standing by their word but wanting me to go above and beyond for mine.... are you serious? Are you HIGH? This is give and take.. a two way street..  


I'm tired of petty ass, nit picky people who want to point out my flaws and faults that THEY see in me.. Not realizing that they are more messed up than ME.. you don't always do things the right way.. far from perfect.. yet you have the gall to  come this way.. I heard a comedian say once that People don't appreciate shit cause they have never been through shit.. So until you walk a mile in my Wedge heels... Miss me with your salty ass sarcasm and criticism.. 


I'm really tired of people CLAIMING to have my back only to TURN their back on me to save FACE for people who only talk about them like a dayum dog.. But as SOON as something jumps off.. they come running back to me.. because I was the one that was down for them from the start.. That really urks the hell outta me.. I called myself the Come Back kid.. When people get tired of their flavor of the month.. or their charity cases... they come running back to me.. because they know I will be here the way they WANTED the others to be.. I can't even blame them though.. I've always given people so many chances.. and now.. I'm TIRED.. and THRU.. :) That's a Loss for you.. not me..  


My twin Tara and I had a conversation just before my wedding.. and she was really baffled at my logic.. I believed that everyone starts out with an A.. I was always told that in school.. Everyone comes into the new grade ( in the case the new friendships, relationships, jobs, families, etc.) with an A and you just have to maintain it.. But she was just the opposite of me.. she said people start out with an F and gradually work their way up to an A.. I have always been the one to give everyone a 2nd and 3rd chance in life.. and I try my hardest not to let PAST relationships, friendships, even family experiences contaminate my future relationships.. but now I understand why people are so freggin BITTER.. 


People really get tired of being strong for everyone else. They get tired of being the brunt of all the jokes and conversations.. *I* get tired of people PRETENDING.. and trying to * as they say* SPARE my feelings.. well to that I say.. FUCK YOU.. I am the strongest muthafucka you will ever MEET.. so don't spare me.. Spare YOURSELF.. You are obviously the one who can't handle the real deal... I have been through things in my life.. that I PRAY certain people will NEVER have to even dream about ... But I survived that shit.. ALONE most times..  So.. sparing me is .. just absurd.. just stupid.. 


I'm real tired of these people telling me who and WHAT I should believe in.. If YOU don't believe in this or that.. I don't come to you telling you that you are an idiot .. even though you really are the biggest one of all.. I let you find out for yourself.. I have the UTMOST respect for one of my childhood friends.. His name is Cameron.. He thinks a hell of a lot.. and he has his beliefs about certain things including religion but never ONCE has he called me out of my name for it.. WHY.. because he is a real fucking dude.. He can KNOW what he knows ALL by himself..and not give HALF a damn what anyone thinks about it.. or HIM for that matter..  


Omg... this song is on repeat.. because it says it all.. I finally got TIRED of pretending that everything was ok.. that I was strong as hell... I am strong.. but there are times when I needed to break.. needed to scream out.. BITCH FUCK YOU.. but I didn't because I truly don't like hurting people's feelings.. but sometimes.... Sometimes you have to get it out and give people the Bitness... And Kelly screaming her heart out like that.. was a release.. You have to have gone thru some reallllllll shit for it to come out that way..  and I know that feeling.. I'm watching a friend go through that very thing right now and it's killing me.. but that's her journey.. She has GOT to make it herself..  and when she gets TIRED.. she will scream the very same way.. and there will be a PEACE that she has never known....


I can finally cry tears of JOY and genuinely not give a damn.. I was hurt really really bad by something someone did to me.. pushed a dagger just 3 inches deeper in my back and that was IT.. That was exactly what I needed to be FREE of it all..  God .. peace is such a wonderful thing to have.. I'm enough.. Just ME... I feel so good these days that I really can't stand myself sometimes.. I can accept my faults and flaws... and have PEACE... WOW I feel like Shouting right now..  God, my husband and my family.. ( and that's not always BLOOD) I am in such a better place in my life.. I wish everyone could feel the way that I feel right now.. as I look at the new improved ME.. the slimmer me... I love me so much .. and I haven't done that in a LONG LONG TIME.. at least 20 years... and I feel like it's all been lifted off me.. I sleep better.. I feel better.. not perfect but better.. I can see the beauty in ME, and my children and my relationship and my family.. like never before.. 


I pray so much for those who have really taken me down through there.. I mean ya'll really let me have it.. and believe it or not.. I THANK YOU for it.. I thank you for opening my eyes to the realness... of who you are, who I am to you.. and now I have the strength to hand it all Back to you...  It doesn't belong to me... That's your baggage.. That's your insecurities.. that's your weakness.. All these years I have been MAKING myself be strong to take the blows of these crazy people.. but never had the strength to LOVE ME for who I am...  I had to find it.. and it took a long time... I think my daddy left here for both of us.. For HIS peace and MINE.. Love you Daddy...


I'm sure alot of you aren't going to understand this.. and some of you are trying to read this really really slow to see if I'm talking about you..  Don't stress yourself.. it's not that serious to you anyway.. I just pray that one day you find the peace that I finally have.... I'm finally strong enough to say it's ok to be WEAK... what a beautiful feeling... 


Thanks for reading all of this.. you didn't have too... but I'm glad you did... 




Btw, there is a tracker on this thing.. I didn't put it there.. but .. I know who is looking and when.. just thought you should know that before the phone calls start.. :) 


( MF101, 2011)




Signed .....

Dionne *OFFICIALLY THE MRS.* Grubbs 

xoxoxox