DAY 5.. one day I wanna...

Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.


So, I've been slacking on my 30 days of Truth..Not that anyone is reading it anyway.. but Here's DAY 5..
 
What's something I hope to do in my life..
 
That's a pretty odd one. There are several things I hope to do in my life. But I guess the best I can say at this very moment.. is to work with children. I don't know what it is about babies.. But I simply love taking care of them. I can't walk by a pretty baby without wanting to hold them and take care of them .. I have often been told that I should start a daycare center.. because I'm actually good with kids. They respond to me and I can understand them.  Sometimes when we become adults we forget what it's like to watch a bubble float through the air and wonder.. where is it trying to go.. and how long can I follow it? We get to a point where we don't want anyone asking us questions yet we tell the babies.. if you don't ask you will never know..
 
I can connect with kids and they GET me. They don't want anything other than a lil attention.. They don't require a lot.. They live the simple life and no matter how other's may say find reasons for why it's so easy for them.. they all secretly wish that they could be a kid again.. to remember what it felt like to have a fight and two seconds later chase butterflies together.. or to have dance contest.. or to play hopscotch..
 
how many of you would gladly leave work right now to go play outside if you could...?? * raised eyebrow*.. don't lie... :)

Forgiving YOU .. frees ME!

KENNETH HOUSTON..

I know I should forgive him.. My daddy did before he left this earth.. and I've tried really really HARD.. But it's just not a place that I am comfortable with. I really think he needs to be in jail for the REST of his life because we have a life sentence... My sister will never be able to hug me again. I can't remember what she smells like. I don't remember exactly what the color of her eyes were... did they have flakes of gold.. was there a hazel ring around them.. I can't remember.. And my children.. never got to meet her.. ALLLL because his Dumb *** couldn't live without her.. If I can't have you No one will.. really .. you selfish Bastard. No I don't forgive you because there are 900,000 people in Birmingham.. She was not the only female you could have been with. She didn't want you...

I hear people say all the time that holding on to this anger is killing me.. well SO F'N what... My sister is the one in the ground..Not yours. My father lived in pain for all these years because of his NEED to have control over someone.. Not yours.. Until you have to go clean off a grave and take your children to see her HEADSTONE.. not her face.. STFU..

*wossaaa*

So anyway, my life has overflowed with pain because of the actions of this ONE a**hole.. so excuse me if I want to choke him til his nipples bleed.. *kaynes shrug*

I'm sure one day I will get tired of hating him ( he will probably be dead) but it will come.. Until then.. Kenneth Houston deserves nothing less than to be tied to a tree..  and beat within INCHES of his life.. then brought back.. and BEAT again.. just over and over..lol..

I'm have had too many things taken away from me that I couldn't control.. My voice will ALWAYS keep him behind bars.. You think he will FORGIVE ME? Probably not.. But I bet the parents of the next person he would kill ( because he said he would kill again) would.. So I'm good...  NEXT!

Day 3: Forgiveness... this is a hard one..

So, Day 3.. this is a hard one.. there are so many things I need to forgive myself for.. but I think the one I need to forgive myself for the most is falling for a married man.. Yea. Yea.. stop looking at the screen like that's some new virus. Yes I did. Instead of talking to my boyfriend like an adult.. I chose to turn to someone close to us & he chose to turn to me..His wife was treating him bad.. my man was treating me bad and we turned to each other for comfort. At the time, I think that I was just looking for someone to CARE. I knew he did.. because he was very upfront about his feelings toward me to everyone.. but they blew it off as jokes. He made it easy to fall for him because he was ALWAYS there. I mean ALWAYS.. anything I needed.. he was right there to hand it too me. The phone calls, the roses, the visits, the lunches... the thrill of "We are getting you back for not paying attention to us"...  We snuck around for weeks before anyone even realized that there was something going on.

I will be totally honest.. I didn't feel guilty about it when we FIRST started.. because I had been with her when she went to kick it with another guy. She asked me to go to the MALL and we end up just a few apartments over at her boo's house. She put me in her mess without me knowing anything...Not cool.. This was before anything ever went down with us.. Then while I was sick, my man would avoid my calls but answer this other chic.. I felt betrayed .. So we figured.. "look they aren't taking care of us so we will take care of each other"... But that was no reason for me to do what I did. If we had been under different curcumstances (meaning single).. we would have been the perfect couple.. but it didn't work because we opened a door before closing the first one.

Even though we ended up leaving each other alone & he and she went on to break up ( so I heard).. and she was out doing her dirt to him.. I still feel like I owe her an apology. I don't think I will ever be able to completely forgive myself until I do that.. So, today.. I took a chance and searched for her on facebook. Low and behold I found her.. I don't know how to start this letter to her and I'm almost sure that I will be called everything but a child of God...( and deserve it) but I have to accept what it is.. because I did it. It was years ago.. but it still bothers me.. and before I enter into a marriage.. I need to get this out of my heart and my system. 

I know some of you reading this are just waiting to get to a phone to say .. Girl.. let me tell you what she just said.. and that's cool.. but I was honest.. and what ever it is.. I can apologize like a WOMAN... So Im good with it..  I forgive ME for my past. Everyone has one and I am no different.

Day 2: I'm AWESOME

*love my heart*

Today's topic is ... Something you LOVE about yourself..

Funny, the first thing to come to mind is... the very thing that I said I hated yesterday..My heart.. I don't know if that's in the rules... but it is what it is.. I love that I'm not a selfish person. If I see someone in need.. why SHOULDN'T I help them. I remember once that I was craving Chinese food.. chicken and broccoli.. I went up to my favorite Cat & dog restaurant...New China.. and got me some food.. When I pulled up in the parking lot.. I saw some people going up to people's cars talking to people. I didn't know what they were talking about a the time cause I was on the phone yapping about God only knows what with my sister Kali..
 Well when I came out.. the woman approached me and asked if I had any money for her and her friends to get something to eat..  I had money but I also know that some of those people don't always use the money for what they say they are going to use it for... So.. instead of giving her money.. I handed her my food.. She looked at me funny and said... "you are just GIVING me this".. My reply was.. "You said you were hungry right? So Eat.." She had this weird look on her face and said Thank you... it was genuine to me.. but that was not what I did it for. I always look at people like that.. and remember a time when I didn't have.. I lived out of my then boyfriend's truck or in a hotel when I had the money to do so.. I didn't have to beg for food to feed my children.. but I wasn't far from it.. That could have been me.. So, I did what I would want someone to do for my children...

anyway,... I went back in the restaurant and ordered my food again.. and there was a woman inside talking to her friend. She said she wouldn't have been crazy enough to give those people anything to eat.. why can't they get a job.. It kinda pissed me off.. My friend Stephanie Love has a saying.. "Don't count my money for me.." and I completely understand what she means.. Don't you worry about why and what I do with my money.. It will not make or break your day so worry about YOU..  Ya'll know I gave her the evil eye and dared her to say it TO me.. but of course.. people LOVE to talk .. but never have anything to say when you are standing in your face... (LAMES)

Well, I got my food.. still on the phone chatting away about these chics in here worrying about MY business.. Kali was telling me not to even trip because they were Less than worthy of my anger.. *she was right*.. I walked out and bid them a good day which just burned their Biscuits.. got in my car and backed out.. As I hit the corner.. I saw the same lady.. with two other men.. eating the food that I had given them. They begin to wave and thank me again.. But my heart was already full because I followed my heart and did what I felt was right.. 

Yes, I get burned .. ALOT.. by ALOT of people.. because I do things from my heart and never ask for anything in return.. Even last night at church, the pastor said.. not every good deed was a GOD deed.. Meaning.. some people will bleed you dry because they KNOW you have a good heart.. I know that feeling ALL too well. But I'm gonna continue to do what I feel is right for those that I feel need my help. I may die a fool.. but there are much worse things that I could die being.. Feel me..

You only live once.. and nobody gets out alive anyway.. so you may as well live doing good deeds rather than to die doing nothing....

That's just my a**hole about the situation... *kayne shrug*

Day 1: It urks me...

Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.

I have been dared to do this 30 days of Truth.. and so here I am. Something that I hate about myself... something I hate about myself. There are things that I don't LIKE.. but I can't say Hate. But I had to choose something that I dislike the MOST.. I would say.. I hate my temper. Man, it is BAD.. real real BAD and the weird part is.. I don't know where it comes from. I think maybe it got worse after the murder of my sister. Kenneth Houston has a special place in my head. I have often thought of the most creative ways I could Kill him for what he did to my sister.  Seriously, my mind can go to some scary scary places.. For instance... I came up with the perfect murder.. the absolute perfect murder.. the evidence would be right in your face and spead all over the county.. and noone would ever think to look ... it's too disgusting to mention, plus.. if someone read it.. and got the crazy idea of trying it.. I would probably go to jail for putting the idea in their heads.. So let's just say that he would NEVER be found.  But he would always be WITH ME...

Then I think.. maybe it was after my rape.. Yea, it can happen to anyone, including me. I have often wanted to ask him WHY? He is on facebook, even sent me an invite on tagged.. years after the attack.. and the baby.. I use to blame myself for it.. trying to convince myself that I HAD to lead this person on.. but I didn't.. I know I didn't.. Someone took my kindness for a weakness.. and usually I am a very strong person, mentally and physically.. but he BROKE ME.. and I fed off that hatred for him.. daily, hourly, while I bathed, while I slept, the nightmares.. Now that I think about it.. Maybe it's Not my temper that I hate.. it's my own Heart..  I was trying to do the right thing for another human being.. and they took my kindness and killed a piece of me..  So.. let me recant my statement.. I hate that I am so kind hearted and want to help people... I hate that I will give my all to someone to better their lives but they couldn't give a shit about me. I wish I could stop caring.. and be like everyone else.. and be all for self.. but I can't.. and I literally HATE IT.. Some say it will bring me blessings.. *kayne shrug*.. Maybe.. maybe not.. but it's something that I can't control..  Even when I do something for SELF and overlook others feelings about it.. I still end up feeling guilty... and it sucks..

Why can't I be Normal and not give a shit like everyone else?

5 Things I'm REALLLLY sick of.. Since my father's passing

1. I am REALLY sick of people saying.. You can do this .. You are strong..

NO.. I'm not.. Dayum, can a Bitch just be TIRED and not GIVE A FUCK? I honestly don't care how my family is handling all of this.. because most didn't care while it was happening. I don't give a flying fuck if they are all being Haunted by his spirit every dayum day ( I would CTFU though)... I don't give a shit about holding this family together.. I don't give a dayum what my mother's plans are.. I simply want to not have to think or worry about anything or anyone else besides my own children for the next 20 years.. Is that o fuckin KAY with anyone?

2. i am REALLLLLLY sick of people ASKING ME TO HELP THEM with their issues.

My father hasn't been dead 2 fuggin weeks ... are you seriously asking me to give a dayum about your hair not laying right for a picture? Do you REALLY think I *SHOULD* care about what's going on in anyone's life right now? HELLLOOOOOO MC FLY... You DON'T MATTER .. and probably won't for a very very long time. If YOU think for one second that I give a dayum about your car being repoed, your lights being cut off.. or your boyfriend cheating.. You don't know me at all.. NOR do you give a shit about me because if YOU DID.. you would not Bother me with this dumb shit that YOU could have fixed a long time ago.. I have NO advice for anyone. I have no GIVE A FUCK ... I threw that shit off the dayum roof, ran over it with my car.. put what was left in a box and Blew it UP... YOU are GROWN.. FIX your OWN SHIT!

3. I am REALLLLLY sick of people acting like they can't do shit for themselves..

I have done NOTHING but cater to my father and his every need for the past 4 years. I refuse to put myself BACK in that situation for able bodied people who are BETTER off than I am. If YOUR phone dials out.. don't ask me to call someone and ask for SHIT.. If your feet work and your mouth releases words and your hands can write.. DO IT YOUR MUTHAFUGGIN SELF.. If it doesn't involve Jordon, Kasey, or Kennedy.. it don't MATTER. I can't even grieve his death because people are calling me with SHEEEEER bullshit.. Then have the NERVE to get mad because I don't give a shit.. I'm soo sorry for any inconvenience you may be experiencing at this time.. But if you are still waiting for me to do.. KILLL YASELF!

4. I am reallllllllllly REALLLLLY sick of all this EXTRA unsolicated ADVICE from Muthafuckas I don't KNOW or LIKE or that TURNED their damn backs on me when my father needed them the most.

How do you even FIX YOUR FACE to tell me what I need to do about his BILLS and his house and his belongings and his SHIT...when yo Ass hasn't been seen since Peewee Herman.. GTFOH... If you aren't part of the solution you are the PROBLEM. I know what needs to be done.. and if it doesn't GET done.. noone will have to deal with it BUT ME.. just like everything else that has happened. You don't have any consequences what so ever so STFU.. PLEASE and THANK YOU!..People LOVE to be able to say.. I TOLD YOU to go and do this.. when THEY COULD HAVE HELPPPPPPPED when he was alive.. He was famous for saying.. if you can't come see me when I'm alive.. don't bother me when I'm DEAD.. AMEN DADDY... FUCK EM...

5. As for right now.. the last thing that I am getting TIDE of is the LYING!

You don't CARE about me.. You don't care what happens to me.. You don't give a dayum if I'm eating .. or sleeping for real.. You just want to RUN ya fucking mouth and be seen. Don't SAY you care about me then CUSS me out because I didn't do what YOU wanted me to do when YOU wanted me to do it. I shouldn't have to CALLLLLLLLL anyone and say.. I'm down.. I miss my daddy. YOU should call me and say if you need me I'm here. WTF kinda shit is that... I have to call you .. when most days I can't even talk.. REALLY NIGGA!.. Kill Yaself... then set ya self on Fire you Bitch! Call it arrogant if you like.. AGAIN... I blew up my GIVE A FUCK... so... *YEA*... I have never seen so many self centered  ...it's ALLL ABOUT ME.. muthafuckas in my LIFE.. URGHH


You know it's bad when people who AREN'T your friends anymore think better of you than people who claim to LOVE you.. I would rather play Hang Man with the KKK than to listen to one more Fuggin word come out of your mouth..


Yea.. I cussed alot in this blog.. I'm the Child of a MARINE.. They make UP cuss words.. So what did you expect.. Don't really matter cause again.. *GIVE A FUCK ...BLEW UP! *kayne shrug*.. So listen .. if you feel like any of this is directed at you.. then.... well.. take it personal... I didn't call ONE name but I bet there are some MF huffin and puffin right now.. OH WELL FUCK YA!

Can I... GRIEVE .. without someone telling me HOW the Hell I'm suppose to DO it.. You haven't been where I have been and dealt with what I did.. so You DON'T know what this feels like.. You don't know how much it HURTS.. You can't fathom how BROKEN my spirit is...  Yes I have my faith and I don't need a bunch of scriptures.. I can read. I have a pastor for that..  What I need is for people to realize that they aren't that important right now.. Nothing you say will make me feel better.. I won't just GET OVER IT..( yes a mf told me that) and I don't need to hear what works for you .. when you break a dayum Nail.. It DOESN'T COMPARE!

I am sooo thankful for the friends that I have .. that may not always know WHAT to say... but know that just BEING there.. QUIETTTTTTLY is all I require.. Please get yaself together.. or get the fuck outta my way..


Signed....

 a Bitch that truly will fuck you up if you come to me with any of the things listed above ...  * blank stare*


*RNS*

This is that bullish.. but my daddy is good...

I'm trying my hardest to continue to be happy but today has been hard.. Not just because of the holiday but because of History...With the death of my sister.. the events went as followed.. 

My sister Kasey was murdered on the 15th, pronounced on the 16th, my aunt's bday was the 18th, we buried her on the 20th ( which happened to be Father's Day) and my 13th birthday was the 22nd...

Now my father has died and the events went as followed

My daughter Kasey was baptized on the 21st, my father died on the 21st, funeral is the 27th, Burying him on the 29th ( military funeral out of town) and my daughter Kasey's 14th birthday is the 2nd... History is a Muthafucka..

The one of the things that has  kept me sane is talking to my Uncle., he's actually my cousin but he is sooo much older than me he is more like and uncle..He told me the story of my dad being hurt. He stepped on a land-mine in Vietnam. That's all I ever knew.. what I didn't know was that he was looking for other injured men (according to my uncle). He said that when he stepped on it.. all he could remember was flying through the air. I couldn't imagine. My father never really talked to me about his time in war.. but the only thing my Uncle could say about my father in Nam was that he was COLD BLOODED..one of the best.. I take pride in that.. and I wish it didn't have to take my father dying for me to learn about all of this.He didn't really talk about that much more because he was old school military men just don't talk about it. My son needs to talk to my Uncle more often so that he can also know the stories and keep them going because he is the very last REEVES (male ) in my family..

I feel so out of place.. and everyone is trying to tell me where I should be, or what will happen in the next few days.. and honestly... it's getting on my fuggin nerves. Alot of things are as a matter of fact.. Fake as people... OWWWW.. there is this one bitch that keeps hanging around that just really sends my rocket to the dayum moon with that foolishness. So, my father talked her off a ledge after her son was murdered 19 years ago.. 

dayum why did OUR SONG just come on on this dayum movie.. I swear I will never be able to listen to Lou Rawls again..

Anyway.. she is under the assumption that I GIVE A FUCK ( or that anyone does for that matter) about what she has to say.. I DON'T.. neither did my father.. You got on his nerves more than anything.. When my father needed her the most the bitch high tailed it because one of my family members told her she wouldn't be able to handle it so she dipped on him the ONE fuggin time he actually NEEDED her wacko ass..  I'm telling you.. This funeral is NOT going to go the way it should if she comes in here like Wanda from GOOD times ..falling all over his casket and shit like that.. I'm gonna push her ass on over in there... and close the dayum door..  No I take that back.. I'll just drop kick her in the back of the dayum head.. I would never leave my father with her ass for eternity.. NEVER...  

If you know me or anyone in my family at all.. we aren't good company when we lose someone we truly love..and I say that we aren't because the people we can't STAND are the ones all up in our face.. Getsomewhere... If you know us at all.. you would give your condolences and keep it moving it we don't do you on a normal day.. please don't be all up in our face like we NEED you to survive this day.. NOT TRUE BOO!.. I want to be around people who will make me laugh.. and I thank GOD that's been the case.. otherwise.. Huntsville would be shut DOOOOWN!.. 

My father was my everything and I know he doesn't want me sitting around crying.. and truth be told... if I had a choice to bring him back.. I wouldn't.. because he suffered for so very long.. and I would NEVER want him to go thru that again..  So I have to suck this shit up..I haven't really cried much and for a while I thought that there may be something wrong with me.. but I know it's just that hard candy coating on the outside.. Sweet but hard.. and a gooey mess on the inside.. I feel like I'm gonna throw up at any given moment.. my head hurts like hell and I can't see out of my left eye.. PLUS I have lost like 10 freggin pounds.. so NOT HEALTHY..

The one person I want to be near.. to be around.. to be held by.. and other words is really messing with my head because it's not who it should be.. That could be a very bad thing.. But even with those weird thoughts running thru my head I still give it that ol Kayne shrug.. cause right now.. Nothing matters.. AT ALL!..I just want what I want ..a nd I want to grieve how I want.. and I don't really give a shit who likes it or not.. I have just lost my heartbeat.. and I don't know where to go to get it back because he is gone... I feel like a freggin prisoner in my own home.. I can't BREATHE! 

Fyi: just because I am having these.. umm Cravings  we will call them does NOT mean ASK if its you.. If you have to ask.. Guess what.. and please don't fool yourself into believing that being in your presence for 10 mins will make the pain of losing my father just disappear.. *shaking my dayum head at these inbox messages...