Day 7: he makes me better...

Day 7.. Someone who has made my life worth living..



Now I know you are all expecting me to say my fiance'... and you would be right.. but he isn't the only man in my life.. I have the greatest best friend in the world.. His name is Carlos.. I can't remember a time in my life (besides the death of my sister) that he wasn't right there.. And that was only because I haven't met him yet.

We have known each other since May of 1993... We were introduced by.. *well she isn't important*.. but we have been friends ever since. He has been he through, boyfriends, break ups, babies, marriages, divorce, my hardest times, deaths, lifes, sickness, surgeries.. and JUST because...

Believe it or not.. I was a SERIOUSSSSS F**k up back in the day. No ambition at all.. NOT NONE. I didn't want to do anything but do NOTHING. I believed everything that I was told back in the day (that I would never be anything) and I made it happen. I should have been in and out of school long ago. I honestly never believed I could suceed.. I have a few things working against me but he never gave up on me. He would let me do my woo is me routine.. and my life is sucks thing... and then he would ask me.. ARE YOU FINISHED?  You have to know my bestest... He is straight to the point.. no nonsense kinda guy..  He loves me.. and he loves me enough to tell me the truth.. He tells me when I'm doing good.. and he lets me know when I completely _____ up. 

For instance with school.. he would always ask me.. "so.. when you going back to school?" I would give him some lame excuse and he would say.. Okay.. I know you can do it.. and you will when you are ready.. After years of hearing this same story... we were talking on the phone.. and I told him I was ready for my life to change.. He hit me again.. Go to school.. you have to start somewhere.. .. then he said.. I will even pay for you to go back... *pump the brakes*... Someone believed in me enough to want to PAY for me to get my education.. * I didn't know what to do with that*... who does THAT?  But it was just the thing I needed to get myself together. I didn't go back to school right then.. because I was almost there but not 100% and if he believed in me THAT much..there was no way in the dayum world I was about to take his money and mess it up..  So a few months later..I got up the nerve..and I went back to school.. I told him that I would get him that degree.. and that's exactly what I did. 

Because he believed in me..I walked across the stage with a criminal justice degree. I loved my family for being there.. but the one person I looked for was my best Friend... I wanted him to know that it was because of HIM that I had that piece of paper.. I will never forget what he said to me one day I was really going through it.. about to give up because it didn't seem as if anyone else cared.. everyone was out for self.. and he said... Dee, you can't change people.. but you CAN change your surroundings.. and he was absolutely right.. I got out.. and started doing things with school and hanging with different people and my attitude changed because my surroundings changed.

I can honestly say that there are 3 men in this world that I would jump in front of a bullet for, my father made 4.. but now.. there is my son, my man, and my bFF.. he has saved my life on MANY occasions.. when noone else was there.. I knew HE was.. and that's why he makes my life worth living..


we even have matching injuries to our fingers.. just like peas and carrots hahahaa





Day 6... OH LAWD!

Day 6: something I hope I never have to do..

That's simple visit my children or any child I love in PRISON or in the CEMETERY.

When we visit Birmingham, I always try to go to my sister's grave. It's a hard thing to do and it never seems to get any easier. I never got to go with my dad but I know he went. Watching him go through the things that he went through.. blaming himself for my sister's death..even though.. there was NOTHING he could have done to stop it... he basically died inside.. every birthday, holiday, day of her death or week rather..

I KNOW I'm not strong enough to deal with that. If I were to ever loose a child.. they will HAVE to bury me with them. Losing my sister was hard as hell.. Losing my daddy was HELL... what's worse than HELL?

But if there was anything that ran a close 2nd to death would be seeing one of them behind bars. Anyone who knows me knows that no matter what *I* need.. everything stops for my children. I am hard on them because I don't want them to have to live the life I have so far. I don't want them to have to wait until they are in their 30's to GET IT. Don't steal, don't kill.. follow the rules and you won't have to know what it feels like to be behind bars... As much as I love my children.. the rule in my family has always been.. You get ONE CHANCE.. I will come get you ONCE if you do something stupid (within reason.. meaning nothing like murder).. I will come get you out one time.. After that.. I forward your mail...

I have tried to teach my children right from wrong and I did my best.. that's all I could do.. You have clothes, food, shelter and love.. if that wasn't enough there is nothing more I can do. I have to believe that I did a half way decent job and although my children may not be angels.. they will think back on the lessons we have tried to teach them. I want them to think twice about doing the right thing.

If you do something stupid.. it's because you CHOSE to not because you didn't know better. When I do something that I know isn't right..*and I have* it is not because my father didn't teach me better.. it was because I made the adult decision to do it.. And that is the same thought process I will have with my children.

I have never been a prison girlfriend.. I sucked sooo bad at that. so I KNOW I will not be a good prison Mom. *kayneshrug*

Why are you getting married?

The perfect ring..

So, I've been sitting here thinking to myself .. why in the ____ am I getting married? You are loosing sleep, you've been with him all this time UNMARRIED, you're becoming a bit of a butthole ( not intentionally) and something tells me that these migraines may be a direct result of the stress you're putting on yourself..  So.. why the hell are you going through all this.. Is it really worth it..

.. and no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it..I come back to the same answer
..Yes!

I was watching THE BLIND SIDE the other day and the lady was interrogating Michael about all that OLE MISS stuff.. why all the people in his life want him to go.. what THEY have invested in it..blah blah blah.. and he got MAD and stormed out.. He started to second guess the people that he loves and why they loved him and he ran.. He ran right back to the life that he had before.. and ended up having to fight his way out, literally.. and all he wanted was the one person that loved him the most..

So I'm sure you are saying .. Eb.. seriously.. what does this have to do with you getting married.. Well.. when he got his head right.. He went back where he should be, got his mind right.. He went back to the lady that was interrogating him..  Everyone had calmed down.. and he said.. With all the questions you were asking me.. you never once asked why I wanted to go to OLE MISS.. and she said ok why.. and he said .. because My Family goes there..

And that's why this is important to me.. My family..

After my daddy passed away.. all the tension with my family began to heal itself.. I started to learn alot about my family history. And with everything I've heard.. I've never heard about a wedding. Yes, people are married in my family.. but there has never been a real wedding. There are no family pictures to refer back to, there are no family reunions.. My family is pretty separated.. what little we have. I think that needs to Change.

I want my children and my cousins and my niece and godchildren to know that marriage is a GOOD thing. The family is suppose to celebrate your happiness. We shouldn't just get together when someone dies. We need to make memories that are HAPPY... period. I am a very nostalgic person. I believe in traditions to a point. My sister always talks about things we don't have to pass down like *normal* families. We don't have wills, our family heirlooms..  I want to one day pass down a pair of diamond earrings to my daughters that my husband gave me. I want my son to think that just shacking up with a woman is ok. It's not ok. If you love that woman enough .. give her your last name. I want my niece to know that her aunt is not just her father's sister.. But that she can call on me for anything.. and if I have to get my butt in the car and drive all night just to be there in the waiting room when she gives birth to her first child.. That's EXACTLY what I'm going to do..

My family has really been divided for far too long and although there are members of my family that AREN'T blood related.. they are still family.. and that's what it's all about. I've been sitting here worrying my ass off about if the church will be JUST RIGHT for pictures, if the reception food will be right.. Will my centerpieces be perfect..Do I have enough music.. money.. the perfect wedding set..  And although I have the PERFECT wedding coordinator Patty Ann, the Best Dj Mark Patton and a fabulous Designer Ebony Cromartie, The Baddest Lady ever touch a pair of Flat Irons Latarsha Love Strong.. and the woman who will make me beautiful.. Tanya Clark.. and the BEST FRIENDS ever.. whatever happens.. it will be a GOOD memory for a change. It will be the start of a tradition.. it will be a Family event where we are all happy and beautiful and TOGETHER..

Now.. with all that said.. none of this could be possible without one person. The one who has been by my side from day one...the one who has forgiven me for soo many of my faults.. the one who has nursed me back to health and healed my broken heart .. the one who has shown my son how to be a man.. how to take care of his family.. the one who has been a father .. showing my girls that the one you love may not look like a model but will love and protect you like no other.. the love of my life.. my protector, my God given gift.. my Husband, my friend, and soon to be.. my forever.. Teddy.. where would I be without him.. In a world of hurt ... that's where..


So.. today.. I'm going to put all the stress behind me.. My wedding will be the first of many beautiful memories that my family will share together..  TOGETHER.. *hmm*.. that word simply makes it all worth it..

What I'm looking forward to the most.. the first OFFICIAL complete family picture.. My husband.. my children.. brother and sister..my aunt, my uncles, cousins..grandma.. my familia.. 


yes..

DAY 5.. one day I wanna...

Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.


So, I've been slacking on my 30 days of Truth..Not that anyone is reading it anyway.. but Here's DAY 5..
 
What's something I hope to do in my life..
 
That's a pretty odd one. There are several things I hope to do in my life. But I guess the best I can say at this very moment.. is to work with children. I don't know what it is about babies.. But I simply love taking care of them. I can't walk by a pretty baby without wanting to hold them and take care of them .. I have often been told that I should start a daycare center.. because I'm actually good with kids. They respond to me and I can understand them.  Sometimes when we become adults we forget what it's like to watch a bubble float through the air and wonder.. where is it trying to go.. and how long can I follow it? We get to a point where we don't want anyone asking us questions yet we tell the babies.. if you don't ask you will never know..
 
I can connect with kids and they GET me. They don't want anything other than a lil attention.. They don't require a lot.. They live the simple life and no matter how other's may say find reasons for why it's so easy for them.. they all secretly wish that they could be a kid again.. to remember what it felt like to have a fight and two seconds later chase butterflies together.. or to have dance contest.. or to play hopscotch..
 
how many of you would gladly leave work right now to go play outside if you could...?? * raised eyebrow*.. don't lie... :)

Forgiving YOU .. frees ME!

KENNETH HOUSTON..

I know I should forgive him.. My daddy did before he left this earth.. and I've tried really really HARD.. But it's just not a place that I am comfortable with. I really think he needs to be in jail for the REST of his life because we have a life sentence... My sister will never be able to hug me again. I can't remember what she smells like. I don't remember exactly what the color of her eyes were... did they have flakes of gold.. was there a hazel ring around them.. I can't remember.. And my children.. never got to meet her.. ALLLL because his Dumb *** couldn't live without her.. If I can't have you No one will.. really .. you selfish Bastard. No I don't forgive you because there are 900,000 people in Birmingham.. She was not the only female you could have been with. She didn't want you...

I hear people say all the time that holding on to this anger is killing me.. well SO F'N what... My sister is the one in the ground..Not yours. My father lived in pain for all these years because of his NEED to have control over someone.. Not yours.. Until you have to go clean off a grave and take your children to see her HEADSTONE.. not her face.. STFU..

*wossaaa*

So anyway, my life has overflowed with pain because of the actions of this ONE a**hole.. so excuse me if I want to choke him til his nipples bleed.. *kaynes shrug*

I'm sure one day I will get tired of hating him ( he will probably be dead) but it will come.. Until then.. Kenneth Houston deserves nothing less than to be tied to a tree..  and beat within INCHES of his life.. then brought back.. and BEAT again.. just over and over..lol..

I'm have had too many things taken away from me that I couldn't control.. My voice will ALWAYS keep him behind bars.. You think he will FORGIVE ME? Probably not.. But I bet the parents of the next person he would kill ( because he said he would kill again) would.. So I'm good...  NEXT!

Day 3: Forgiveness... this is a hard one..

So, Day 3.. this is a hard one.. there are so many things I need to forgive myself for.. but I think the one I need to forgive myself for the most is falling for a married man.. Yea. Yea.. stop looking at the screen like that's some new virus. Yes I did. Instead of talking to my boyfriend like an adult.. I chose to turn to someone close to us & he chose to turn to me..His wife was treating him bad.. my man was treating me bad and we turned to each other for comfort. At the time, I think that I was just looking for someone to CARE. I knew he did.. because he was very upfront about his feelings toward me to everyone.. but they blew it off as jokes. He made it easy to fall for him because he was ALWAYS there. I mean ALWAYS.. anything I needed.. he was right there to hand it too me. The phone calls, the roses, the visits, the lunches... the thrill of "We are getting you back for not paying attention to us"...  We snuck around for weeks before anyone even realized that there was something going on.

I will be totally honest.. I didn't feel guilty about it when we FIRST started.. because I had been with her when she went to kick it with another guy. She asked me to go to the MALL and we end up just a few apartments over at her boo's house. She put me in her mess without me knowing anything...Not cool.. This was before anything ever went down with us.. Then while I was sick, my man would avoid my calls but answer this other chic.. I felt betrayed .. So we figured.. "look they aren't taking care of us so we will take care of each other"... But that was no reason for me to do what I did. If we had been under different curcumstances (meaning single).. we would have been the perfect couple.. but it didn't work because we opened a door before closing the first one.

Even though we ended up leaving each other alone & he and she went on to break up ( so I heard).. and she was out doing her dirt to him.. I still feel like I owe her an apology. I don't think I will ever be able to completely forgive myself until I do that.. So, today.. I took a chance and searched for her on facebook. Low and behold I found her.. I don't know how to start this letter to her and I'm almost sure that I will be called everything but a child of God...( and deserve it) but I have to accept what it is.. because I did it. It was years ago.. but it still bothers me.. and before I enter into a marriage.. I need to get this out of my heart and my system. 

I know some of you reading this are just waiting to get to a phone to say .. Girl.. let me tell you what she just said.. and that's cool.. but I was honest.. and what ever it is.. I can apologize like a WOMAN... So Im good with it..  I forgive ME for my past. Everyone has one and I am no different.

Day 2: I'm AWESOME

*love my heart*

Today's topic is ... Something you LOVE about yourself..

Funny, the first thing to come to mind is... the very thing that I said I hated yesterday..My heart.. I don't know if that's in the rules... but it is what it is.. I love that I'm not a selfish person. If I see someone in need.. why SHOULDN'T I help them. I remember once that I was craving Chinese food.. chicken and broccoli.. I went up to my favorite Cat & dog restaurant...New China.. and got me some food.. When I pulled up in the parking lot.. I saw some people going up to people's cars talking to people. I didn't know what they were talking about a the time cause I was on the phone yapping about God only knows what with my sister Kali..
 Well when I came out.. the woman approached me and asked if I had any money for her and her friends to get something to eat..  I had money but I also know that some of those people don't always use the money for what they say they are going to use it for... So.. instead of giving her money.. I handed her my food.. She looked at me funny and said... "you are just GIVING me this".. My reply was.. "You said you were hungry right? So Eat.." She had this weird look on her face and said Thank you... it was genuine to me.. but that was not what I did it for. I always look at people like that.. and remember a time when I didn't have.. I lived out of my then boyfriend's truck or in a hotel when I had the money to do so.. I didn't have to beg for food to feed my children.. but I wasn't far from it.. That could have been me.. So, I did what I would want someone to do for my children...

anyway,... I went back in the restaurant and ordered my food again.. and there was a woman inside talking to her friend. She said she wouldn't have been crazy enough to give those people anything to eat.. why can't they get a job.. It kinda pissed me off.. My friend Stephanie Love has a saying.. "Don't count my money for me.." and I completely understand what she means.. Don't you worry about why and what I do with my money.. It will not make or break your day so worry about YOU..  Ya'll know I gave her the evil eye and dared her to say it TO me.. but of course.. people LOVE to talk .. but never have anything to say when you are standing in your face... (LAMES)

Well, I got my food.. still on the phone chatting away about these chics in here worrying about MY business.. Kali was telling me not to even trip because they were Less than worthy of my anger.. *she was right*.. I walked out and bid them a good day which just burned their Biscuits.. got in my car and backed out.. As I hit the corner.. I saw the same lady.. with two other men.. eating the food that I had given them. They begin to wave and thank me again.. But my heart was already full because I followed my heart and did what I felt was right.. 

Yes, I get burned .. ALOT.. by ALOT of people.. because I do things from my heart and never ask for anything in return.. Even last night at church, the pastor said.. not every good deed was a GOD deed.. Meaning.. some people will bleed you dry because they KNOW you have a good heart.. I know that feeling ALL too well. But I'm gonna continue to do what I feel is right for those that I feel need my help. I may die a fool.. but there are much worse things that I could die being.. Feel me..

You only live once.. and nobody gets out alive anyway.. so you may as well live doing good deeds rather than to die doing nothing....

That's just my a**hole about the situation... *kayne shrug*