Through the Storm...

First ... and FOREMOST... let me say.. THANK YOU GOD for keeping my family and friends & even my enemies safe.. I can not EXPLAIN how wonderful it is to say that.. 

This has been One CRAZYYY first wedding week..  With all the drama that happened before the wedding, during and after.. here come about 160 tornados through the South.. These storms brought about a lot of great things .. I think.. 


When the sirens first went off.. I really didn't expect it to be as bad as it was.. These were the same storms coming out of Memphis where all of my friends were ok.. I'm fully expecting them to die down and be just a lot of wind.. Who would have thought that it would knock out power for an entire county.  The first night.. we took shelter at my children's grandmother's house.. Mrs. B is the Truth.. Meatloaf, fried corn, greens.. the WORKS!.. Her Leftovers are better than most people's freshly prepared meals.  Anyway, we all ended up at her house for the night.. ( weird huh, starting off my marriage at my baby daddy's mom's house.. where they do THAT at?) He wasn't there so it was cool.. My son was however and that was very special to me.. because no knowing where he was with all the turmoil that has happened in the past would have driven me crazy..  Anyway, that night.. They got my Hubby DRUNK as HELL.. it was funny.. and it made the time go by.. I slept for about 13 hours.. Can't remember the last time I did that and I wasn't medicated.. I don't sleep... 


The next day we found his mom and we all went there where we had the BEST time.. Food wasn't exactly avaliable.. there was no gas, no ice really.. it was a hard time.. but we went in our freezers and pulled out just about everything... and bbq'ed every bit of it.. Biscuits, chicken , queso dip... you name it .. we bbq'ed it.. We had no choice.  Generators were no where to be found and when they did get them.. a $59 generator.. cost up to $1300.00.. REALLY?  We ended up going to Tn. to get gas.. If wasn't a LONG LONG ride.. but it gave us a chance to see some of the devastation in Anderson Hills.. I cried at the thought of the families that were affected.. The fence was gone... because there was a brand new cadillac in it.. Our family friends house was destroyed from the inside out.. Roof was blown about 4 miles away.. so they think.. When we got in touch with her .. she was gathering medications and what she could find to wear..  I simply couldn't imagine losing EVERYTHING.. pictures,  notes my children wrote me over the years.. I could really care less about the pc and the tvs.. I had MY FAMILY.. and they were safe.. 


When we got to Tn.. I was reminded that no matter WHAT happens .. we are still BLACK and In the SOUTH.  While paying $20.00 for 5 gallons of gas.. a biker with a rebel flag on his helmet made an announcement that this was still THEIR land... White was still RIGHT.. That pissed me off to NO END.. because we are all here suffering through this devastation and he is still talking about freggin RACE.. Those damn tornados didn't give a damn what color you were.. it took out anything in it's path.. The messed up part was.. I would have Helped HIM.. but he would have turned his back on me.. even through THIS.. WOW... some people will just NEVER get it.. Who CARES DUDE? 


Anyway, I honestly could have dealt with a few more days of the power out.. I don't remember ever seeing so many kids on bikes... playing Kick ball in the street... hopscotch.. reading.. MY SON wanted a book to read.. Technology has really taken away their childhood.. and we as parents are so busy trying to make them HAPPY that we ourselves forget what it was like to play hide and go seek... or to go up to the school and teach the kids how to play baseball.. The kids weren't so Stressed about how they Looked or what clothes they had on.. They were just HAPPY to be outside. My daughter, 14, asked for a bike for Christmas.. REALLY? She may not say that around Christmas time.. but she is still getting one.. 


We really enjoyed ourselves... NO gas, cold showers, bbq'ed chicken in Fish grease.. hot beers... it was really good.. It gave my kids a new outlook on life.. and insight on what it is like to be Homeless.. They were raised to always help others and it did my heart good to see them help me pack up food for the Huntsville Utility guys down the street and feed them.. They looked sooo hungry and hot.. it's amazing what a cold bottle of water, light bread and a few pieces of chicken will do for a person.. 


As for My hubby and I.. we really had a chance to get close to each other in a different way.. We aren't exactly SMALL people.. but to sleep on a FULL bed.. for 5 days.. you learn alot about each other. *hehehe* that's all I'm gonna say about that.. But hell we ARE newlyweds.. That's all I'm saying.. Gotta learn how to keep it quiet.. *_*...  I really hated that he had to go back to work today.. I was really enjoying sitting under the tree laying across his lap... or feeding him.. I think we may cut off the power EVERY SUNDAY just to have Family time... no phones, no tvs.. nothing.. We had the BEST time.. taking all the kids down town to the park and feeding the fish..My son really enjoyed it because he couldn't remember the last time he had done that WITH us.. He had gotten TOO old to do certain things.. but it opened all of our eyes to how much we really Love BEING around each other.. Just don't play cards with him or Cookie.. because they were taught by some true OLD SCHOOL card players... Spades in this house.. is a real Deal... hahaha


I hate HATE that people have lost family members, their houses, possessions, food... etc.. That simply breaks my heart.. But I LOVE the fact that SO MANY people Black, white whatever, pulled together to help those in need... My cousin and I gave blood I think Friday .. ( days kinda ran together).. and we are going to Anderson Hills and Harvest this week.. It's time that we all really GET OVER OURSELVES and just be thankful for what we HAVE and who we have.. and help those that are less fortunate.. 

If you have ever attended or visited HOPEWELL MISSIONARY BAPTIST CHURCH in the 90's and hear DONNA HIGH sing this song.. You KNOW WHY .. I'm posting this... 

Wedding Blog No.1 : Friends.. wow!

 

If there is ONE thing that I have learned through this wedding is that you find out who your REAL friends are.. Some people stopped speaking to me which makes me wonder...why the hell were you even there.. smh.. etc etc etc... It's all good though because this same thing happened when I went to school.. People thought because I was doing something FOR MYSELF that it meant I was trying to out do them or rub something in their face..If you knew me at ALL.. you would know trying to out do people has NEVER been my thing.. but  I guess that's how you separate the real from the fake.. I'm not mad at all .. cause I learned a LESSON.. 

But the one thing that I will NOT be as kind about is ... my dress. I have forgiven this PERSON.. and you all know who she is.. However.. I will never DEAL with this chic again. As of Friday morning.. None of my dresses, bridesmaid or MY WEDDING dress were finished..  If you claim to be a seamstress and already have a few lines of clothing.. You need to be a professional and know how to deal with pressure. Now, I'm NOT a seamstress at all.. but I even know that a wedding dress should NEVER be put over a bride's head.. but according to HER she knows what she was doing.. Yea RIGHT... 

This is what I need to work on For ME... Trusting People to do what they SAY they are going to do.. People get on to me all the time about not LETTING people do things for me.. But this is exactly why I am the way I am because they always end up BAD!.... I model for this chic for FREE.. Promoted this chic FOR FREE.. some of you wanted to buy the romper suit that I wore in the last fashion show.. I hyped up her name.. and THOUGHT I was doing someone a favor... I would have even wore MY dress (that I created) again in her shows.. But OOOOOHHH NO.. this heffa wanted to get stupid...  

In business, the customer is always right.. no matter WHAT! No excuse will make up for the service you are suppose to provide. I don't care about a sewing machine breaking.. Not my problem, I don't care about your eyes *supposedly* going bad.. (who dilates their eyes the Friday before a wedding and you haven't finished any of the dresses..) I don't care if ya man broke up with you, nothing about your HAIR.. none of that... Means NOTHING to the customer expecting the services.. Be a PROFESSIONAL... And KNOW when you CAN'T HANDLE IT!.. 

Now, I am the most Understanding person in the world.. UNTIL you piss me off. If I cry, it's best that you run. Again.. this is not some * FB pump myself up to be a gangsta type ish* this is the real deal... and my family..even my children.. had never seen me like that before.. When I tell you to leave me alone and let me cool off.. that's what I MEAN... do NOT.. come in my face ... that will get you ADMITTED... to Crestwood.. 

So, here I am Friday early afternoon .. after me and the girls have listened to a million excuses for WEEKS.. she has promised my sister that the dresses would be finished by Friday morning.. (this was Thursday night) and she came back with the same shit she left with... I have reached my limit.. My friends are trying to scrape together money to BUY me a dress the DAY before my wedding... because NOTHING IS FINISHED.. I go outside to calm myself down.. because I know ME..  And this Muthafucka is trying to sneak these UNFINISHED dresses OUT the front door FRIDAY AFTERNOON.. trying to take them back to B HAM to go to work ( which is an hour away)... and try to bring it back that same night at 1030 -1100.. that night.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME... and you have had 3 months to finish this job? 

So my sister ,who is also named DIONNE,... catches her.. I hear yelling and run BACK in the house and they are playing tug of war with my wedding dress... So when she sees me come around the corner.. she starts yelling I'm leaving.. OK FINE.. but not with those dayum DRESSES.. You are REALLY off your dayum rocker.. So, we call in a seamstress that she told me TAUGHT her how to sew( Found out that was a LIE TOO) to come fix the dresses.. SHE got mad..  My sister tells her to go outside and leave me alone before I snapped because apparently my eyes changed colors and I didn't appear to be myself... (go figure)

This broad goes outside to wait on the REAL seamstress then comes BACK in the house talking about she needed to get her stuff talking shit to me.... *BLACK OUT*... 

The first warning shot was me hitting my closet door and breaking it... That should have told you... LEAVE ME ALONE... But she kept talking shit... So...I charged her ass... Out of NOWHERE.. my Daughter Kasey and my cousin Pudden and her mama... grab me..  They tell her to take her ass outside.. but she keeps talking shit.. I walked away ... until she said.. It was my fault... she didn't do NOTHING.. (REALLLLLLLLLY BITCH).. I don't quite remember what I said after that but I saw a vacuum cleaner.. and threw that with one hand and the next was a chair...  How many times does someone have to say.. WALK AWAY before you get the picture...???

What snapped me out of it.. was my daughter crying... One because she was scared as hell.. and two because in the process of trying to kill this muthafucka in my house.. she got hit in the face... You know that broke my heart knowing that I hurt my BABY... because of this dumb ass... 

I was mad at myself for going back to the person that I use to be so many years ago.. not giving a damn about jail or anything else.. but this was my wedding dress that was the next day...  I lost it... 

The new seamstress fixed the problems.. for the most part but  she was in between doing her own struggle.. This was the first anniversary of her sister's death, alumni weekend... It was a LOT of work to do in a very short time with SOOO much going on.. .. 

It's over now and I'm thankful that things worked out the way that they did.. but I know NOW.. that my BFF was right.. Don't Trust ANYBODY... That's a shame that it has to be that way.. but one bad apple can truly spoil the bunch... I am so thankful for the TEAM of soldiers that had my back this weekend.. From my Mamas on down... to my 3 old niece..   This was truly the wedding from HELL... hahahaa.. It's funny NOW.. but please believe.. I will NEVER do it again... 

Special SPECIAL thanks to my Twin LATARA BOSTON BRUNSON .. I would have Literally been hospitalized without that chic on my team...  Birthday celebrations should be starting soon... 

This day really SUCKS MONKEY BALLS! Ijs

At 8:03 tonight.. my father will have been gone for 5 months. I think this is why I've been so emotional the past few days because I hate reliving the memory of him saying goodbye..My big strong daddy had now become childlike... I hate thinking that there was nothing I could do to help him.. I couldn't make it better no matter how hard I tried.. I know I'm not God.. but .. I couldn't stop it. I know that he is always around me moving stuff and catching me before I fall... but I just wish I could PHYSICALLY have him here.. Just for a day.. More than anything.. I miss his jokes.. When bill collectors would call.. he would say.. tell them I moved to BUBBAFUC,EYGPT. And for the LONGEST.. my dumb butt would wonder if there actually was a BUBBAFUC, Egypt.. Oh, and one of his FAVORITE terms EVER... CLUSTERFUCK... I had to marry a military man to find out what that one meant.. My brother and I had a FEW names growing up... Daddy was like Bill Cosby in a since.. because we heard GOT DAMMIT... and IBeDAMN alot.. we just answered to both.. He would just say the stupidiest things that would have you in the floor... 

My daddy was the strongest man I knew.. I mean STRONGGGGG... who else could have a blood pressure with only ONE freggin number.. and still be talking to you. When they turned those machines off.. We were expecting that to be the end.. But we all FORGOT who we were dealing with.. Don Juan was a different breed.. He's been literally BLOWN UP.. over 40 surgeries.. lost both legs but (for lack of a better term) he was still kicking ass and taking names.. 


It's really hard to believe I've survived 5 months without him.. I never thought I would last 2 weeks. They say it gets easier as time goes on.. but I wish it would hurry the hell up.. because some days are just unbearable.. I don't want to think about him laying in that coffin .. I don't want to remember the last moments.. I don't want to think about all of the pills and shots and the cutting and all of that.. I just want my daddy back... and nothing will ever fix that.. I truly lost my best friend in the entire world... I could talk to him about anything... and I know he would give me the truth and not what I wanted to hear... 


Why can't he be here for my day.. I don't care if he was in a wheel chair... I just want him HERE.. urgh.. this feeling sucks so bad... it kinda feels like I haven't eaten in years.. mixed with nausea and being hit by a 18 wheeler all in ONE spot..my heart.. 


I'm gonna try to keep myself as busy as possible today... mani-pedi with my Twin, my sister in law is coming.. gonna clean the house.. I may even try to cut my grass with the weedeater.. I don't know.. but I just gotta stay busy so that I won't think about it.. So to my facebook friends.. I sincerely apologize if you get 200 post today... It's only because I don't know what to do with myself... but then again.. I haven't for a LONG LONG time now..


the only thing that soothes my soul... is some GOOD Music..

Sing with me daddy.... just one more time... 

THEWedding... For REAL? I thought it was OUR wedding..

Remember a few years back, there was this story in the news about the Missing Bride from Georgia.. and they later dubbed her the RUNAWAY BRIDE  cause she had had enough of other people's BS and she hit the ground running..... Yea.. I'm starting to see why she ran.. Some of these folks around us will drive JESUS  himself to say.. "WTF? ARE YOU SERIOUS?"  Jezzz..
One of my favorite people, my twin Lena, suggested to me that I should be bloggin my feelings during the last few days of my wedding.. I think it was a good idea too because I'm learning alot of lessons that I never want to forget about this time in my life. 


Just some thangs on my mind!


1. Everyone isn't going to be happy for you...


 I'm starting to see more and more people move away from me. Talking with other married couples and listening to some of their horror stories.. I'm almost glad. This is a very special time in my life that I wanted to share with friends and family.. but I'm starting to see that alot of them aren't really happy for me.. I hate to say this.. but I think a few are  in their feelings about it. I don't understand why.. because what will really change? Teddy and I have been together forever and a Day.. It's not like our TAX BRACKET changed... Dang.. Talking to one of the Mothers at my church .. she told me that this would be another time that I would see who was REALLY on my team.. and who is out for self. My mama says people have their own agendas too..  *kayne shrug*.. I don't know.. I just can't see myself NOT being happy for those that I love.. The tides did change.. Most ran from me .. instead of to me..  It was kinda hurtful but .. one of my "friends" must have not realized that their phone didn't hang up and I heard them talking to others telling them they will be glad when this wedding is over.. so I can stop talking about it..  I didn't confront her about it.. because I just didn't see the point.. So.. I just stirred clear of them.. I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't hurt.. cause it did.. LIKE HELL.. but I can't really say that I'm surprised either.. Oh well.. 


2. People will make your day THEIR DAY if you let them.. 


I can not tell you ... how irritating it is for someone to try to FORCE their views of YOUR day.. on you.. I'm very happy that you would want Begonias in your bouquet..HOWEVER.. don't like them, they stink and I'm not gonna use them.. just because you are too evil to keep a man and have your own wedding bouquet. I know that sounds Horrible of me to say.. But Shit, this is MY day.. I have been taking care of .. and catering to other people ALL MY LIFE.. And most of these people are the ones who are constantly telling me to LIVE my life for ME.. Really? Is that Before or AFTER I do what YOU want me to do? I know most people mean well.. but what they don't realize is.. their opinions don't matter to me right now.. I don't care if you would just go to the courthouse and get married.. That's YOU.. *I* on the other hand want a nice, simple, romantic wedding where, just for once, I am the fucking focus for the day.. Sorry, your marriage didn't work out.. HOWEVER.. my man and your man are two totally different men. Please don't tell me how to keep mine when you don't even have YOURS... Ijs..  which brings me to 


Lesson 3: Take advice with a grain of salt.. 


I am very happy for any couple.. married or not.. However, what works for YOU.. isn't gonna work for US. Why? Because we are different people. We have been together longer than most of the people trying to give us advice have even KNOWN each other. We have our own system of working things out. And if it doesn't work.. we try something else.. There is no manual that says, Dionne and Teddy should follow in the footsteps of XX and YY because .. the parts that they tell us.. might not be the WHOLE damn truth. My mama says that you should watch who you get advice from and watch who prays for you.. because you don't know what part they played in the foolishness that brought on this ADVICE.. nor do you know what they are praying FOR and to who... I can not seem to understand why we seem to have become this NEEDY couple who just can't live without the suggestions and advice of those around us.. even people who don't even KNOW us..  Why are we so important NOW.. just being a couple wasn't enough.. or was it that we were living in *SIN* then so you didn't want to be a part of it..  Marriage doesn't mean that you will no longer live in sin.. it means you aren't living in sin in the eyes of OTHERS..  By that I mean, regardless of whether we are married or not.. we are still sinners.. so please... Get over yourself.. and while you are at it.. check that lipstick on ya hubby's collar.. then check and see if it MATCHES someone you KNOW? *_* ( I told ya'll what that face means)... yea I said it... 


4. FIND your PEACE..even if it comes from a PIECE of steel..


Lately, He has had more of this than me.. but .. there is SOOO much drama surrounding him.. Crazy ass friends, stupid ex wife...  people wanting to use our day to CREEP.. Let me tell ya something.. The FIRST muthaf**ka that brings me some drama on my wedding day.. will be beat TO SLEEP.. when you wake UP.. whatever it was.. won't matter anymore. I don't understand why people are using OUR day.. OUR TIME.. as a game. Folks play too much. This is my WORD, if NOONE shows up to my wedding but ME and TEDDY.. I won't be mad ... at ALL.. because on April 23, 2011 at 1:30 p.m. at the Fellowship of Faith in that good sanctuary of ours.. NOONE MATTERS.. But US!.. NOONE.. I love my family, I love my friends.. I even love my ASSISTANTS aka.. haters.. But one THAT DAY.. I won't see or hear or care about anything or anyone.. but HE & I.  If that offends anyone.. It's best that you know NOW.. so we won't have a problem THEN! If that causes you NOT to want to come... OH WELL.... TACO BELL! I don't care.. and HE could care LESS than that.. We will have PEACE.. with or without people around. That's the way IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE!


5: It's OUR LOVE.. OUR WAY.. 


PERIOD.... If you don't like the theme of the wedding, the colors of the wedding, the invitations, the members of the bridal party.. if you think you should have been a PART of the bridal party.. If you don't like half the people that are coming.. If you are mad because you weren't invited.. ( by the way.. if I didn't PERSONALLY invite you.. don't show up at my wedding.. cause I'm telling you.. IT WILL GO DOWN up in the Fellowship... My wedding party will give you the BIZNESS) just know that we ... collectively as a couple.. are sorry for any inconvenience you may be experiencing at this time... HOWEVER... if you didn't PAY.. you don't get a SAY.. feel me? And even if you DID.. It's still OUR WAY! Take it or Leave it..




I know some of this.. well all of this may seem a lil mean to some.. or hateful to some.. but you know .. I'm really getting tired of hearing about what everyone else thinks, feels or desires for OUR DAY... because the bottomline of it all.. Starting April 24th... those same people won't give a dayum about what happens next... Teddy and I will be left to deal with each other as we always have for the past 10 years.. and nothing and noone can change that but US.. 


I know this seems like I'm really unhappy right now.. but I'm not.. Not everyone or everything has gone wrong.. I have some wonderful people who have just simply BLOWN me away with their genuine kindness, love, and support.. And for that.. I am eternally grateful... and there will never be ANYTHING that you couldn't ask of us that we wouldn't gladly do for you.. 


All I've ever wanted was for people to be as Happy FOR us as we are together.. Just to stop focusing on their feelings, wants and needs and think about us for ONCE.. Whether it happens that way or not.. one thing will never change.. I'm marrying my baby... the love of my life... my friend, my backbone, and yes even my HEADACHE.. and I couldn't be happier about it.. If that's not enough for everyone else.. all I can say is ..Sorry For ya.. Cya Bye.. *kayne shrug* 

......Weird...

This morning... I felt the need to go over to my dad's house ... Just to check the mail ... and just be..there..  I walked around for a minute.. and pulled some branches off of the Japanese plum tree in the front yard. I always loved that tree.... After checking the mailbox, AS USUAL, there was someone else's mail in there.. So, I jumped in the car, put the mail in the correct box 2 houses up..  jumped back in the car and took off..  About two houses up.. I looked over and saw my father sitting on the porch of this house... 

Yep.. Damn near drove through someone else's house looking at him.. 

Once I got to the stop sign... and got myself together.. I turned around. I'm crazy.. but Dammit.. I'm not THAT crazy.. I turned around and pulled up to the house.. I got out and basically ran to where this gentlemen was sitting.. I said " I'm sorry to bother you .. but may I PLEASE take a picture of you" He said.. Hell I don't care.. (verbatim) I laughed because that was something that my FATHER would say.. I explained to him WHY I wanted the picture and he thought I was joking..  This man looks SOO much like my father.. I had chills just standing next to him.. I went searching through FB for the picture of my father and I together.. and it just wouldn't pull UP.. Finally I remembered that his obit was tagged on my sister Kim's page.. It was the best picture of my dad's face..  While searching for the picture.. I told him my name.. and he told me his.. He says.. JORDON.. My name is K. Jordon.. ( my children are KASEY and JORDON) *_*... wild.. 

When I found the picture, and showed it to him.. His first words were.. OH SH...  YEA.. It kinda shook him up too.. Their hair was the same.. silky.. indian... Their Forehead was the same..  Skin tone... the grey in their beards were the same.. And he had the most Interesting eyes I'd EVER seen... they were dark Blue... (my aunts eyes are about the same color.. never seen that before ... Weird eye colors ran in my family.. because when my son Jordon was born his eyes were Lavender.. glad they changed because I'd have to kill some lil chickenhead around here over my child..)

After telling him that my father lived just down the street.. I asked if he had moved into this house and he said No.. I'm just here visiting with my daughter... *_*...*CHILLS*... I took the picture of him... and we started discussing family trees because it's KINDA weird what's going on.. We don't think that we are related at all.. but gee whiz..  I thanked him for allowing me to have a picture of him... and he said... if you want one of us together.. that's fine too.. : So I knealed beside him and put my arm around him and snapped a picture..  

I got a hug from Mr. K. Jordon.. physically.. But in my heart.. I got a hug Spiritually from my Daddy.. :)  

Thank you Mr. K. Jordon for just sitting on that porch this morning... 

My life ...

Okay.. so My Twin Lena suggested that I start scrapbooking and bloggin my last few days as Ms. Reeves... and  she's right.. because something happened that turned my world UPSIDE DOWN... 

Not having my father at my wedding has been a big deal to me.. I know he will be there but not physically. So that was on my mind.. but then I got a phone call from my aunt.. She told me that she had just spoken with my father's ex wife. Now, his ex wife is also the mother of my sister Kasey who I speak of alot. Kasey was murdered 6 days before my 13th birthday and that was the last time and the first time that I had met her mother. I remember walking up on the porch and she looked over at me and fainted. I looked so much like my sister .. it was really too much for her.. she had to be sudated when she was told my sister had died... and see me just.. sigh... 

Well, anyway, she asked my aunt if she could talk to me.. I was really caught off guard with it all but .I agreed.. She immediately called me and we talked for a while... I learned some very IMPORTANT news from her that I can't really go into detail about at this time.. But what she did do was lift a weight off my heart.. Okay.. this is where it gets deep for me...

Since I was a baby.. I have always felt a lil out of sorts.. always felt like the black sheep of the family.. the odd one out.. because I heard things that people thought I didn't hear.. or maybe they thought I wouldn't understand.. But, long story short.. I was the only one in my family with both parents in the house together. I remember my cousins came to spend the weekend with us when I was about 7 or 8 and she asked me what it FELT like to have my mama and daddy in the same house. Didn't really know what they meant at the time..But it seemed to be a theme in my family.. The Daddy's just didn't really stick around.. But my daddy did.. and became daddy to everyone he came in contact with.. He loved us all the same.. no matter whether they lived in the house with us or not. 

Well, when my sister came to live with us.. there was a LOT of tension in the house between she and my mother.  Eventually , Kasey went back to Birmingham where her mother lived.. and that was the last time I saw her.. I only got to talk to her once or twice after that.. then she was gone... ;(

So when her mother called me.. .I was just speechless.. I had so many questions but they wouldn't come out..  I always thought that She felt like what everyone was saying... She thought it was basically unfair that I had both parents..and the fact that my mother and her mother HATED each other didn't help. I was always told that she tried to kill me while my mother was pregnant with me.. And she admitted that she hit my mother with a chair in the stomach.. but.. she kinda had good reason.... that's all I'm gonna say about that..  We talked about a lot of things dealing with my father that I'm just not ready to talk about.. but more about my sister.. We cried about her.. because she didn't know that I was going to check on her.. clean her grave and all of that.. She had been paying a lady to do so.. but she had become sick and couldn't do it for years and had noone else to do it.. So she was very happy that I was taking care of my big sister... 

But then she gave me .... closure.. She said that my sister would always talk about how much she loved me and Missed her "favorite lil BRAT"... I hadn't heard that since I was about 10 or so.. For years, I didn't know what she thought.. how she felt.. and I was MAD that people kept that from me.. I needed to hear that ...  I needed to know that she did LOVE me.. and thought about me as much as I thought about HER.. It was a relief.. But then it got weird.. She said I could call her Auntie.. which kinda threw me for a loop.. 

I have lived most of my life in the shadow of my siblings.. especially my siblings... especially KASEY.. Her murder was a constant reminder for me.. Every Birthday, father's day, every September 28,  every Christmas... I couldn't do alot of things in life because my father was slightly.... MAJORLY over protective of me.. So I had to sneak and do things.. because I was always so sheltered.. I understood why my daddy was like that.. but still.. He couldn't protect me from Death.. And Now, I kinda feel like she is trying to replace my sister.. with me.. The early morning phone calls.. just.. I don't know.. made me feel a kind of way...  I know that she has missed my sister.. and I don't mind allowing her into a part of my life.. But NOT ALL of my life.. I won't ... I can't be HER DAUGHTER.. My name is Dionne.. not Kasey..  

So, that's why I was in tears the other day... and I just couldn't get it together.. Emotions really took over.. I had to not only think about my father being gone but now my sister too.. I've been trying to block that for a while but it pretty much slapped me in the face this time..  

She wants to see pictures of me and my children.. especially my daughter Kasey.. because she just thought it was so perfect that I named my first daughter after her.. Sometimes I regret doing that.. I hope she isn't feeling like she is living with the ghost of my sister... 

Today, I got up the nerve to contact her again via text.. It was easier.. I was explained to her that thinking about daddy and my sister really just messed me up for a while.. and I needed to get myself together. I decided that would send her a few pictures of me and the kids.. and she in turn would send me some pictures of my sister that I have never seen before... I hope I'm not getting myself into deep..  

.... .. Daddy.. is that You?

I'm not spellchecking or grammar proofing this one. It's just gonna come out...
 
I know people say there is no such thing as ghost.. and you are probably going to think that I'm crazy.. and that's fine... But I know what I saw and what my daughter saw.. And I'm not writing this for anyone else except me or my children if they one day want to read my blogs.  But my father is visiting my family members. I think I was first.. or at least the first to say anything.. But I was sitting here at my computer one night.. and I heard Jazz music coming through my speakers.. I didn't have music playing at all so I was confused. I was the only one in the room and it hadn't been more than a month or so since my dad passed. So, truly.. I thought *I* was going crazy.  I turned my speakers off.. But I could still hear it.  So I called my fiance' in the room to see if HE heard it..  because it was very Faint.. While we were both sitting there like some dummies with our head on the speakers.. the sound became louder.. It was coming through the tv.

Now, for those of you that know where I live.. I am close to the radio station. I'm not crazy and I know a lil about frequencies and all that.. So I'm thinking because I live so close to the station.. that my speakers were just catching some of those sound waves or whatever.. Some people get the radio through their phones if they live close to the stations..you have to get special equipment to stop it... I'm not a ditz when it comes to things like that..   The reason why we were tripping is because you could hear *HIS* music playing.. 

Now, I watch enough documentaries and ghost shows to know that you have to look at all options to debunk these types of things.. so I turned on the radio to see what WJAB was playing.. It wasn't the same song that was coming out of the speakers.. *_*...so where was it coming from?

I have always been sensitive to more things than most.. Since I was pregnant with my last daughter.. things have really been ACTIVE around me.My grandfather came to me OFTEN..  But, not JUST me.. other's have experienced things as well. I don't like my children's father at the moment..  and the feeling is probably mutual.. but even he will tell you that there was someone in my apartment back in Atlanta. He's 6'6.. 200+ but he refused to go upstairs to the bathroom because of who was up there. .. ijs..

Anyway, about a week ago.. My baby cousin had the same experience with the speakers.. So much so that she called and woke up everyone she could think of to tell them.. It really scared her.. My aunt has had it happen too.. So, we just chalked it up to Daddy is just letting us know he is there.. It was kinda cool..

But yesterday... I have never seen anything like it.

The first experience .. I had bought my baby girl balloons for her birthday a few weeks ago.. So only one was left.. I had been in the bed all day because I was at the hospital all night with my baby cousin.. When I finally got up, I walked out of my bedroom and that balloon was in the hallway between my door and hers.  I thought nothing of it.. went to the bathroom and went back in my room..  Well a lil while later, I came out and the balloon was further up the hallway almost into the foyer.. I walked passed the balloon again.. but this time.. it moved with me.. It was at waist level.. I noticed that with every step I took it moved with me..  until I walked through the foyer. When I stepped into my great room... and stopped.. It STOPPED...

Debunk:

When I walked.. the air moved the balloon.. when I stopped .. the air stopped so the balloon stopped.. Only problem was.. it didn't move when I opened the door from my bedroom or closed the door to the bathroom.. That was more air than me just walking out the door..

Debunk : Maybe it's static electricity.. that could happen.. I know that the balloon is deflating because it was floating at waist level. No big deal..

Well I grabbed the balloon and squeezed both sides so that the helium would be distributed evenly.. It instantly rose to the ceiling. It gave me a weird feeling.. so I took the string and pulled the balloon into the middle of the room.. close to my back doors. I went on into the kitchen.. when I came back out.. it was on the other side of the couch...  There is No air on in the house but hey balloons float.. It was weird.. but hey.. strange things happened around me .. so .. *kayne shrug* It just kind of traveled over toward the entrance to the kitchen.. The string got caught in this big tree's branches that my dad had in his house.. He was CRAZY about plants.. That man could bring anything green back to life. He didn't have a green thumb.. He had a green hand..

I didn't pay any attention to the balloon after that.. because I got busy doing the girls hair for school.. I usually set up shop on the left side of my table in the great room.. My dad's plants are in the corner on the right of the table.. Well after perming , washing and conditioning Kasey's hair.. I turned to plug up my blow dryer.. When I raised back up.. the balloon was detached from the tree.. I told my daughter to look.. The balloon then traveled the length of the table ... We are watching it move like *WTF*.. and I said it's coming to you.. She HATES anything spiritual or paranormal ... so she turned to me and put her head in my chest screaming "MAMA MAKE IT STOP MAMA PLEASE MAKE IT STOP"... the string of the balloon came to rest on her leg.. I was rocking her and holding her.. telling her it was ok.. and to calm down.. but she just held on to me for dear life screaming and crying..  I looked up again.. and the balloon rose *on it's own* over the table and went back into the tree...  Now.. the moving around the table part didn't really bother me... because balloons Float..  but to turn and come straight to us.. and then RISE on it's own and go BACK to where it came from..
 ....... Messed me up... 

Like I said.. I have come to accept most things that happen around me.. but that ... I just can't explain.. but today.. marks 4 months that my father has been gone.. And if I didn't have WITNESSES to it.. I would look at me crazy too.. But Kasey saw it come to her.. When she started crying.. Teddy came in to see what was wrong and watched it fly back into the tree...

I called my aunt who giggled a lil because it's just weird that he is coming to ALL of us... She talked to Kase and told her that it was ok.. Everything would be ok.. She calmed down a lil.. but she was still a lil on edge because of her OWN personal experiences.. He plays with She and my son.. he moves his necklaces that they wear.. They usually put them under their pillows at night.. and sometimes when they wake up.. they aren't there.. they are placed on the dresser.. She would always ask why everyone else had experienced stuff and she hadn't... *careful what you wish for*....

I know that ghost exist.. People have their beliefs and say these things are of the devil whatever.. But I know what I saw.. what WE saw.. I don't believe it was anything harmful... I think it was my father.. My family is healing itself.. and that was the one thing.. that he wanted the most before he died.. and now it is happening.. Maybe he is trying to tell us something.. Maybe this was the last thing he needed to finish before completely going home... I don't know.. and I even though I am use to things.. I don't know that I want him to TELL me what it is.. No writing on walls and stuff.. 

My God Sent mother.. told me to be frightened by it but to talk to him.. Let him know I love him.. and I know that he knows that.. He has too..  But ... I don't know how to really process this.. I don't know how to make it.. clear in my mind... I know what I KNOW, I know what I was taught.. and I know what most THINK... and somewhere in the middle I have to come to terms with the fact that these things are happening...


But how?

Maybe he is trying to tell me I need to go see him....

Truth be told... I'm scared as shit.. to see that grave.. in person..

It will become TOO REAL then...

I don't wanna go yet