I know some of you might not believe me.. and I know a few of you may be GRATEFUL for it.. However, none of this is for anyone but ME.. I'm changing.. The more I fight it.. the more I change.. So I guess I just need to stop fighting it, huh?.. For some reason, I honestly don't even feel like dealing with the foolishness that I use to look FORWARD too a few months ago. I really don't enjoy the same people that I had in my life.. or should I say the same KIND of people. I honestly think it's MY TIME.. with my children, my husband, my family.. and most of all GOD. I don't know what Changed.. or actually when it Changed.. But I'm kinda glad it did.
Tonight at church.. the pastor was from Pine Grove. And he talked about Peter.. and how he stepped out on faith.. ( stepped out of the boat) and walked on water.. And he was doing good.. until he took his eyes off GOD and looked at the wind. The minute he did.. it was a done deal.. And I think that's what I have been going through.. I was so focused on the things that I knew were going to change that I lost focus of what was keeping me afloat. I have given way too much of my time and energy to foolishness, foolish people, and foolish needs.. Always trying to please others .. and forgetting that I deserve the same happiness that I'm trying to give everyone else.
After church, I went to talk to my Uncle Calvin( he's really my god father.. but we are Southern so that's what we say).. and I asked him had he talked to my biological mother.. and he said no. I told him that she had a heart attack ... and he said he would pray for her.. and then he said something.. that really.. the more I think about it .. makes me want to cry.. He said.. " you know she is still mad at me because she thinks I chose YOU over her... You didn't even know that did you?" I didn't know that was why she stopped going to his church but I wasn't surprised at what he said.. because she said the very same thing to my father after my sister died. She said my father was paying too much attention to me.. Well he had just buried his first born.. what did you think he would do with his last biological child? She always told me that I ruined her marriage.. and just tonight it hit me.. I mean Really HIT me.. She couldn't love ME.. because she didn't love Herself..
But here again.. is where the same bible verse that has been repeated to me over and over for the past week comes in.. Earlier in the night, my godfather said.. Don't look in the first chapters of Job.. go to the back.. like the 42nd chapter.. The bible verse that has been repeated.. Job 42:10.. "Pray for your friends and everything that has been taken from you will be returned double."
The pastor that spoke kept saying .. Everyone can't GO where you are going.. and Be thankful for the things that you have.. the lil miracles.. My fb *god wants you to know* said the exact same thing... " Stop looking for the BIG Miracles and pay attention to the SMALL ones"...
How does all this tie in.. I've been waiting on BIG miracles.. friends that I've lost to be returned, my sister, my family, my father.. and I wasn't paying any attention.. The more I pray the more I realize that everything that was taken from me.. HAS been returned but I was too blind to see it.. ..
I was never loved by my birth mother, but God sent me a NEW one..Ebony Krystal... One who prays for me, loves me unconditionally, and loves my children.. my husband... She went out of her way, spent money she needed, to be here for my wedding.. so that I would have A PARENT here.. She didn't give birth to me.. but she would kill for me just as I would her.. That's my Miracle...
I wanted friends that I lost and thought I needed to be returned to me.. I'm looking in ONE direction and my twin( a sister... and a friend) Latara was standing beside me. She is one of those people that you don't come across everyday.. She has one of those Hearts that just seem to never stop showing love.. I don't know how she does it.. but that's what I strive to be.. She is only a year older than me.. and she's shorter than me.. :) but words can not express how I look up to her.. Sometimes ... ok all the time.. I feel like she doesn't see how wonderful she really is.. She has been my sister, my friend, my conscience, my back bone, and my confidant.. MAJOR miracle..
My brother has always been my ROCK.. he was my Security growing up.. We don't always see eye to eye on things .. but he's so far away that .. I feel like our relationship is stranded.. But, when he isn't around.. I have the BEST big brother every.. Carlos..Ya'll have heard me talk about him forever.. He's the one man outside of my husband and son that I would literally take a bullet for.. There aren't many LIKE him.. okay.. there really isn't ANYONE like him..
SUPER MAJOR MIRACLE..
I have all these people in my life that God has already given me.. to replace what I THOUGHT I have been missing.. They have been there the whole time.. Eyes Wide Shut.. Couldn't see the forest for the trees.. God gave it too me long before I ever realized it was what I needed.. He replaced the bad feelings with comfort.. the bad people, with Blessings... and the filled in my heart where there was a void..
I know this is really long and you have probably skipped through half of it.. but I just have to say.. God is GOOD.. Period.. We can say it all Day.. but you will never have a TESTIMONY.. without a TEST.. He doesn't test you to fail you.. he tests you to promote you..
It's all in how you choose to receive it.. Alot of people have doubts about religion but I honestly think the problem is with the Church.. not GOD.. but I guess everyone has to learn for themselves.. all I can say is I'm so Glad I got him.. because without him.. I would be nowhere..
A bigger CHANGE is coming.. I'm claiming.. I've said it.. so now I have to believe and prepare myself for it..
Song that's been in my head all day..
:)... LOVEEEE IT.. Old school ..
