I can't do it anymore... Real talk..

I can't not understand why I am suppose to be some super human with no feelings of my own.. and able to take just MOUNDS of Bullshit off of people.. Why have I been selected the one to take all the bullshit from every single person in the world.. and have the ability to turn the other cheek. This is MY life..and people seem to feel like I OWE them something.. I don't owe anyone Shit.. Least of all my mother.. She hasn't done anything for me since June 21,1975 when she went into labor.. unless you count all the bullshit I have been through because of her.. Jail, fights... foolishness.. all that.. all thanks to my mother. 


I don't have anything to PROVE to her. I did everything she told me I would never be able to do, I'm a good mother, a college graduate... a wife.. I don't need to PROVE that I beat the odds.. My life says it enough.. Maybe not to everyone else.. but to me.. I'm done with this. My biological mother having a heart attack today means nothing to me.. That's what happens when you tell your daughter she will never amount to shit, that she is the reason a marriage didn't work.. because as a 12 year old... I took her husband from her... *_*.. I don't need to sit in the heat again with my small children because she wouldn't let me come to her house for shelter with HER grandchildren... I no longer think that I DESERVED to be raped.. according to HER I asked for it.. I called and checked on her tonight.. but when I had a heart attack and actually DIED.. she could have cared less.. When my father died.. she never called.. she only went after the MONEY.. Has YET to call and say are you ok? And we won't even talk about the shit she did to my sister...


I see that my feelings will NEVER mean anything to anyone and I do mean ANYONE.. As long as I am doing what everyone else Wants me to do.. I will be loved... well to that I say .. Fuck it.. I threw my Give a damn down the street and watched it get run over by an 18 wheeler. I am tired of living my life so that noone will be upset with me.. I'm not doing what others THINK I should do anymore.. I'm doing what's best for ME.. and my children.. and SHE is not good for either of us. There would be no real need to go see her.. and I'm not hoping for any type of reconciliation with her because she is poison. Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean that I have to continue to have her in my life.. When she told me I was NO LONGER her daughter.. It hurt like hell... but I have accepted that and it's good now.. I don't believe in these outta body ... come to Jesus.. feelings people seem to get when they have treated you like shit all your life. It's not my responsibility to get you into the pearly gates.. That's all it would be... and I'm not falling for that shit.. I pray for her.. but being in her presence is the most UN-SMART thing I could ever do.. I could easily black the hell out and choke the shit out of her sitting in that bed.  I know people are hoping for the best ( in their mind).. but I'm done with the fairy tales and happy endings.. I have prayed for her.. and I will pray for her always.. but that's all she gets.. I don't feel a NEED to rub anything in her face because she is irrelevant to me .. 


So, although I thank everyone for their concern and well wishes.. I can't be a fool for her or a do girl for anyone else. I am literally tired of dealing with everyone else's dumb shit and then them wanting me to be their savior so that they can get to Glory. It is YOUR job to do that for yourself.. I don't take ownership of that guilt anymore.. I have to have MY LIFE back.. If noone understands... oh well.. but life goes on.. I had to learn that the hard way... 


What I've learned... is .. Turning the other cheek only means you get slapped TWICE.. 

TIRED.. But I'm moving away from BITTER BITCH BLVD..

So.. I'm sitting here talking to my friend Q.. and says to me.. that everytime he hears the song "TIRED" by Kelly Price.. he thinks of me..  I had never heard that song before.. so I went to youtube and this is what I found..





"Tired"

There's a whole in my heart...
My soul... is bleeding...
I need to free...my mind...
And see what...I'm feeling
Cause Lord knows, Lord knows,
I'm......

(I'm tired)
Tired of the way he treats me
(Tired)
Tired of the guilty feelings (tired)
Tired of the broken dreams (tired)
I'm (tired) tired of the public scenes
I'm (tired) tired of the Baby Mamas (tired)
Tired of the ghetto drama (tired)
Tired of the back and forth (tired)
I'm (tired) tired of in and out the courts
I'm (tired) tired of all the games and lies
I'm (tired) tired of phony alibis
I'm (tired) tired of praying that it works
I'm (tired) even tired of going to church
I'm (tired) tired of paying these bills
I'm (tired) said I'm tired of keeping it real
I'm (tired) tired of crying (tired)
and I'm tired of smiling (tired)
I'm tired of the haters
I'm (tired) I'm tired of the players
I'm (tired) tired of the games
I'm so tired (tired)
Cause it's about to drive me insane (tired)
And Oh I'm so tired of taking it (tired)
Said yeah I'm so tired of faking it (tired)
Cause you don't do it for me no more (tired)
You just don't do it no more (tired)
I'm tired of being wronged and doing right
(tired)
Said I'm tired of keeping peace and tired of fighting (tired)
I'm tired of letting go, then holding on (tired)
I'm tired of feeling weak and being strong (tired)
So let me hear if you tired (tired)
Gotta make some noise if you tired (tired)
Oh throw them up if you tired (tired)
Now wave your hands if your tired

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Let it go!


How in the hell did she know? I mean how the hell did HE? I've lost a lot of things in my life.. and I can honestly say I don't know too many people who have SURVIVED the things that I have survived.. with the exception of his wife.. She doesn't know it but .. I look up to her for even waking up in the morning.. 


This song speaks so much to what has been in my heart for so many years and even recently..  I am TIRED.. really TIRED of  people expecting things of me that they aren't willing to do themselves.. For instance.. HAVING MY BACK.. I'm real sick and tired of being everyone's scape goat.. All I ever hear is "don't keep things bottled up Dionne.. it's gonna kill you".. But what they really mean is.. Don't keep what everyone ELSE does to you bottled up.. Just don't tell ME what I'm doing wrong.. Don't call me on MY shit.. cause that's just unacceptable.. So easy to point fingers in one direction and not realize that there are 3 more pointing right back at you... Now who gone check ME BOO? Most definitely NOT YOU.. 


I'm tired of people not standing by their word but wanting me to go above and beyond for mine.... are you serious? Are you HIGH? This is give and take.. a two way street..  


I'm tired of petty ass, nit picky people who want to point out my flaws and faults that THEY see in me.. Not realizing that they are more messed up than ME.. you don't always do things the right way.. far from perfect.. yet you have the gall to  come this way.. I heard a comedian say once that People don't appreciate shit cause they have never been through shit.. So until you walk a mile in my Wedge heels... Miss me with your salty ass sarcasm and criticism.. 


I'm really tired of people CLAIMING to have my back only to TURN their back on me to save FACE for people who only talk about them like a dayum dog.. But as SOON as something jumps off.. they come running back to me.. because I was the one that was down for them from the start.. That really urks the hell outta me.. I called myself the Come Back kid.. When people get tired of their flavor of the month.. or their charity cases... they come running back to me.. because they know I will be here the way they WANTED the others to be.. I can't even blame them though.. I've always given people so many chances.. and now.. I'm TIRED.. and THRU.. :) That's a Loss for you.. not me..  


My twin Tara and I had a conversation just before my wedding.. and she was really baffled at my logic.. I believed that everyone starts out with an A.. I was always told that in school.. Everyone comes into the new grade ( in the case the new friendships, relationships, jobs, families, etc.) with an A and you just have to maintain it.. But she was just the opposite of me.. she said people start out with an F and gradually work their way up to an A.. I have always been the one to give everyone a 2nd and 3rd chance in life.. and I try my hardest not to let PAST relationships, friendships, even family experiences contaminate my future relationships.. but now I understand why people are so freggin BITTER.. 


People really get tired of being strong for everyone else. They get tired of being the brunt of all the jokes and conversations.. *I* get tired of people PRETENDING.. and trying to * as they say* SPARE my feelings.. well to that I say.. FUCK YOU.. I am the strongest muthafucka you will ever MEET.. so don't spare me.. Spare YOURSELF.. You are obviously the one who can't handle the real deal... I have been through things in my life.. that I PRAY certain people will NEVER have to even dream about ... But I survived that shit.. ALONE most times..  So.. sparing me is .. just absurd.. just stupid.. 


I'm real tired of these people telling me who and WHAT I should believe in.. If YOU don't believe in this or that.. I don't come to you telling you that you are an idiot .. even though you really are the biggest one of all.. I let you find out for yourself.. I have the UTMOST respect for one of my childhood friends.. His name is Cameron.. He thinks a hell of a lot.. and he has his beliefs about certain things including religion but never ONCE has he called me out of my name for it.. WHY.. because he is a real fucking dude.. He can KNOW what he knows ALL by himself..and not give HALF a damn what anyone thinks about it.. or HIM for that matter..  


Omg... this song is on repeat.. because it says it all.. I finally got TIRED of pretending that everything was ok.. that I was strong as hell... I am strong.. but there are times when I needed to break.. needed to scream out.. BITCH FUCK YOU.. but I didn't because I truly don't like hurting people's feelings.. but sometimes.... Sometimes you have to get it out and give people the Bitness... And Kelly screaming her heart out like that.. was a release.. You have to have gone thru some reallllllll shit for it to come out that way..  and I know that feeling.. I'm watching a friend go through that very thing right now and it's killing me.. but that's her journey.. She has GOT to make it herself..  and when she gets TIRED.. she will scream the very same way.. and there will be a PEACE that she has never known....


I can finally cry tears of JOY and genuinely not give a damn.. I was hurt really really bad by something someone did to me.. pushed a dagger just 3 inches deeper in my back and that was IT.. That was exactly what I needed to be FREE of it all..  God .. peace is such a wonderful thing to have.. I'm enough.. Just ME... I feel so good these days that I really can't stand myself sometimes.. I can accept my faults and flaws... and have PEACE... WOW I feel like Shouting right now..  God, my husband and my family.. ( and that's not always BLOOD) I am in such a better place in my life.. I wish everyone could feel the way that I feel right now.. as I look at the new improved ME.. the slimmer me... I love me so much .. and I haven't done that in a LONG LONG TIME.. at least 20 years... and I feel like it's all been lifted off me.. I sleep better.. I feel better.. not perfect but better.. I can see the beauty in ME, and my children and my relationship and my family.. like never before.. 


I pray so much for those who have really taken me down through there.. I mean ya'll really let me have it.. and believe it or not.. I THANK YOU for it.. I thank you for opening my eyes to the realness... of who you are, who I am to you.. and now I have the strength to hand it all Back to you...  It doesn't belong to me... That's your baggage.. That's your insecurities.. that's your weakness.. All these years I have been MAKING myself be strong to take the blows of these crazy people.. but never had the strength to LOVE ME for who I am...  I had to find it.. and it took a long time... I think my daddy left here for both of us.. For HIS peace and MINE.. Love you Daddy...


I'm sure alot of you aren't going to understand this.. and some of you are trying to read this really really slow to see if I'm talking about you..  Don't stress yourself.. it's not that serious to you anyway.. I just pray that one day you find the peace that I finally have.... I'm finally strong enough to say it's ok to be WEAK... what a beautiful feeling... 


Thanks for reading all of this.. you didn't have too... but I'm glad you did... 




Btw, there is a tracker on this thing.. I didn't put it there.. but .. I know who is looking and when.. just thought you should know that before the phone calls start.. :) 


( MF101, 2011)




Signed .....

Dionne *OFFICIALLY THE MRS.* Grubbs 

xoxoxox

Through the Storm...

First ... and FOREMOST... let me say.. THANK YOU GOD for keeping my family and friends & even my enemies safe.. I can not EXPLAIN how wonderful it is to say that.. 

This has been One CRAZYYY first wedding week..  With all the drama that happened before the wedding, during and after.. here come about 160 tornados through the South.. These storms brought about a lot of great things .. I think.. 


When the sirens first went off.. I really didn't expect it to be as bad as it was.. These were the same storms coming out of Memphis where all of my friends were ok.. I'm fully expecting them to die down and be just a lot of wind.. Who would have thought that it would knock out power for an entire county.  The first night.. we took shelter at my children's grandmother's house.. Mrs. B is the Truth.. Meatloaf, fried corn, greens.. the WORKS!.. Her Leftovers are better than most people's freshly prepared meals.  Anyway, we all ended up at her house for the night.. ( weird huh, starting off my marriage at my baby daddy's mom's house.. where they do THAT at?) He wasn't there so it was cool.. My son was however and that was very special to me.. because no knowing where he was with all the turmoil that has happened in the past would have driven me crazy..  Anyway, that night.. They got my Hubby DRUNK as HELL.. it was funny.. and it made the time go by.. I slept for about 13 hours.. Can't remember the last time I did that and I wasn't medicated.. I don't sleep... 


The next day we found his mom and we all went there where we had the BEST time.. Food wasn't exactly avaliable.. there was no gas, no ice really.. it was a hard time.. but we went in our freezers and pulled out just about everything... and bbq'ed every bit of it.. Biscuits, chicken , queso dip... you name it .. we bbq'ed it.. We had no choice.  Generators were no where to be found and when they did get them.. a $59 generator.. cost up to $1300.00.. REALLY?  We ended up going to Tn. to get gas.. If wasn't a LONG LONG ride.. but it gave us a chance to see some of the devastation in Anderson Hills.. I cried at the thought of the families that were affected.. The fence was gone... because there was a brand new cadillac in it.. Our family friends house was destroyed from the inside out.. Roof was blown about 4 miles away.. so they think.. When we got in touch with her .. she was gathering medications and what she could find to wear..  I simply couldn't imagine losing EVERYTHING.. pictures,  notes my children wrote me over the years.. I could really care less about the pc and the tvs.. I had MY FAMILY.. and they were safe.. 


When we got to Tn.. I was reminded that no matter WHAT happens .. we are still BLACK and In the SOUTH.  While paying $20.00 for 5 gallons of gas.. a biker with a rebel flag on his helmet made an announcement that this was still THEIR land... White was still RIGHT.. That pissed me off to NO END.. because we are all here suffering through this devastation and he is still talking about freggin RACE.. Those damn tornados didn't give a damn what color you were.. it took out anything in it's path.. The messed up part was.. I would have Helped HIM.. but he would have turned his back on me.. even through THIS.. WOW... some people will just NEVER get it.. Who CARES DUDE? 


Anyway, I honestly could have dealt with a few more days of the power out.. I don't remember ever seeing so many kids on bikes... playing Kick ball in the street... hopscotch.. reading.. MY SON wanted a book to read.. Technology has really taken away their childhood.. and we as parents are so busy trying to make them HAPPY that we ourselves forget what it was like to play hide and go seek... or to go up to the school and teach the kids how to play baseball.. The kids weren't so Stressed about how they Looked or what clothes they had on.. They were just HAPPY to be outside. My daughter, 14, asked for a bike for Christmas.. REALLY? She may not say that around Christmas time.. but she is still getting one.. 


We really enjoyed ourselves... NO gas, cold showers, bbq'ed chicken in Fish grease.. hot beers... it was really good.. It gave my kids a new outlook on life.. and insight on what it is like to be Homeless.. They were raised to always help others and it did my heart good to see them help me pack up food for the Huntsville Utility guys down the street and feed them.. They looked sooo hungry and hot.. it's amazing what a cold bottle of water, light bread and a few pieces of chicken will do for a person.. 


As for My hubby and I.. we really had a chance to get close to each other in a different way.. We aren't exactly SMALL people.. but to sleep on a FULL bed.. for 5 days.. you learn alot about each other. *hehehe* that's all I'm gonna say about that.. But hell we ARE newlyweds.. That's all I'm saying.. Gotta learn how to keep it quiet.. *_*...  I really hated that he had to go back to work today.. I was really enjoying sitting under the tree laying across his lap... or feeding him.. I think we may cut off the power EVERY SUNDAY just to have Family time... no phones, no tvs.. nothing.. We had the BEST time.. taking all the kids down town to the park and feeding the fish..My son really enjoyed it because he couldn't remember the last time he had done that WITH us.. He had gotten TOO old to do certain things.. but it opened all of our eyes to how much we really Love BEING around each other.. Just don't play cards with him or Cookie.. because they were taught by some true OLD SCHOOL card players... Spades in this house.. is a real Deal... hahaha


I hate HATE that people have lost family members, their houses, possessions, food... etc.. That simply breaks my heart.. But I LOVE the fact that SO MANY people Black, white whatever, pulled together to help those in need... My cousin and I gave blood I think Friday .. ( days kinda ran together).. and we are going to Anderson Hills and Harvest this week.. It's time that we all really GET OVER OURSELVES and just be thankful for what we HAVE and who we have.. and help those that are less fortunate.. 

If you have ever attended or visited HOPEWELL MISSIONARY BAPTIST CHURCH in the 90's and hear DONNA HIGH sing this song.. You KNOW WHY .. I'm posting this...