This is that bullish.. but my daddy is good...

I'm trying my hardest to continue to be happy but today has been hard.. Not just because of the holiday but because of History...With the death of my sister.. the events went as followed.. 

My sister Kasey was murdered on the 15th, pronounced on the 16th, my aunt's bday was the 18th, we buried her on the 20th ( which happened to be Father's Day) and my 13th birthday was the 22nd...

Now my father has died and the events went as followed

My daughter Kasey was baptized on the 21st, my father died on the 21st, funeral is the 27th, Burying him on the 29th ( military funeral out of town) and my daughter Kasey's 14th birthday is the 2nd... History is a Muthafucka..

The one of the things that has  kept me sane is talking to my Uncle., he's actually my cousin but he is sooo much older than me he is more like and uncle..He told me the story of my dad being hurt. He stepped on a land-mine in Vietnam. That's all I ever knew.. what I didn't know was that he was looking for other injured men (according to my uncle). He said that when he stepped on it.. all he could remember was flying through the air. I couldn't imagine. My father never really talked to me about his time in war.. but the only thing my Uncle could say about my father in Nam was that he was COLD BLOODED..one of the best.. I take pride in that.. and I wish it didn't have to take my father dying for me to learn about all of this.He didn't really talk about that much more because he was old school military men just don't talk about it. My son needs to talk to my Uncle more often so that he can also know the stories and keep them going because he is the very last REEVES (male ) in my family..

I feel so out of place.. and everyone is trying to tell me where I should be, or what will happen in the next few days.. and honestly... it's getting on my fuggin nerves. Alot of things are as a matter of fact.. Fake as people... OWWWW.. there is this one bitch that keeps hanging around that just really sends my rocket to the dayum moon with that foolishness. So, my father talked her off a ledge after her son was murdered 19 years ago.. 

dayum why did OUR SONG just come on on this dayum movie.. I swear I will never be able to listen to Lou Rawls again..

Anyway.. she is under the assumption that I GIVE A FUCK ( or that anyone does for that matter) about what she has to say.. I DON'T.. neither did my father.. You got on his nerves more than anything.. When my father needed her the most the bitch high tailed it because one of my family members told her she wouldn't be able to handle it so she dipped on him the ONE fuggin time he actually NEEDED her wacko ass..  I'm telling you.. This funeral is NOT going to go the way it should if she comes in here like Wanda from GOOD times ..falling all over his casket and shit like that.. I'm gonna push her ass on over in there... and close the dayum door..  No I take that back.. I'll just drop kick her in the back of the dayum head.. I would never leave my father with her ass for eternity.. NEVER...  

If you know me or anyone in my family at all.. we aren't good company when we lose someone we truly love..and I say that we aren't because the people we can't STAND are the ones all up in our face.. Getsomewhere... If you know us at all.. you would give your condolences and keep it moving it we don't do you on a normal day.. please don't be all up in our face like we NEED you to survive this day.. NOT TRUE BOO!.. I want to be around people who will make me laugh.. and I thank GOD that's been the case.. otherwise.. Huntsville would be shut DOOOOWN!.. 

My father was my everything and I know he doesn't want me sitting around crying.. and truth be told... if I had a choice to bring him back.. I wouldn't.. because he suffered for so very long.. and I would NEVER want him to go thru that again..  So I have to suck this shit up..I haven't really cried much and for a while I thought that there may be something wrong with me.. but I know it's just that hard candy coating on the outside.. Sweet but hard.. and a gooey mess on the inside.. I feel like I'm gonna throw up at any given moment.. my head hurts like hell and I can't see out of my left eye.. PLUS I have lost like 10 freggin pounds.. so NOT HEALTHY..

The one person I want to be near.. to be around.. to be held by.. and other words is really messing with my head because it's not who it should be.. That could be a very bad thing.. But even with those weird thoughts running thru my head I still give it that ol Kayne shrug.. cause right now.. Nothing matters.. AT ALL!..I just want what I want ..a nd I want to grieve how I want.. and I don't really give a shit who likes it or not.. I have just lost my heartbeat.. and I don't know where to go to get it back because he is gone... I feel like a freggin prisoner in my own home.. I can't BREATHE! 

Fyi: just because I am having these.. umm Cravings  we will call them does NOT mean ASK if its you.. If you have to ask.. Guess what.. and please don't fool yourself into believing that being in your presence for 10 mins will make the pain of losing my father just disappear.. *shaking my dayum head at these inbox messages... 

just getting it out....

This has been a REALLY long road for me.. I want my friends to know that I read every comment, Im, text, messages, all the songs, all the dedications and prayers.. everything.. I just couldn't respond ... But I did get them.. and I thank you from the bottom of my heart...

Right now I'm listening to his old radio station WJAB 90.9 Fm  http://www.aamu.edu/wjab/  They are jammin.. Frankie Beverly and Maze.. one of my daddy's favorites..

My father was one of the founding members of that station.. Back in 1991, I was in high school and he would drop me off.. and head up to the station and be there until I got out of school if not later.. It's amazing how many people listened to him.. and know his voice.. There are a LOT of babies made from listening to the man with the velvety voice... I would listen to him going to sleep and it just would make me blush cause he thought he was sooo cool.. ( And he was)  .. What a lot of people didn't know is that not only was he a wonderful announcer but he could also sing like Barry White.. I use to Love to listen to him sing while he ironed his clothes.. Creases so dang sharp they could cut diamonds..

I have friends from elementary school who remember his GTO.. Midnight Blue.. God I hated that car in school.. It was LOUD ..but the more I thought about it.. and helped him work on it I grew to Love it.. and I wish I knew where it was now.. I would drive that damn car til the wheels fell off.. All the boys loved to see him pull up.. but they never wanted to see him get out.. cause he didn't play when it came to me.. *that ain't what ya want Pat'na* hahahaaa ask some of my exs..

I don't really know why I'm bloggin .. and I know ya'll don't wanna hear all this .. but I just don't want to forget where I am right now.. Sitting here, in my yellow *WHATEVER* t shirt..with his straw hat on.. (which I will be wearing to the funeral .. I don't care what nobody says ... that's my daddy's ) I think I'm doing pretty ... *kayne shrug*.. .I've laughed alot.. and I've had my moments where I just have 3 second.. crying spells.. I just gotta get it out.. because I don't know what the hell to do with myself right now..

I know people want to be here for me and make sure that I ear and rest and all that.. And I love them for it.. But.. I guess yesterday I just really needed time to breathe.. My phone wouldn't stop ringing.. My texts were BANANAS.. My Mama is soooo connected to me that she was completely outta wack..  I love it and I hate it all at the same time.. Why... because I really feel the love that she and ALL of you are showing me.. I'm truly not use to this.. But I hate it because I feel like a burden  and at times I feel like I just want the world to walk away...

I'm rambling..

But I will say this.. I haven't had to deal with any foolishness yesterday.. (negative anyway) but.. what I see starting to happen is that people from my past who TRULY need to stay in my past are resurfacing.. I recieved a call yesterday from someone I was very close to and although I don't think it will go past that phone call ... it was still very cool to talk to her.. and she knows who she is.. 

But thhheennn there are these other MF's that KNOW.. not to speak to me for the REST of your days.. who are sending me invites on FB... *_*...  GO away.. I don't want you around.. I don't care if you have been here before.. GO AWAY before there is some SERIOUS furniture Moved.. I don't need FAKE NUTHING around me right now.. and that is some str8 BAT GUANO! You can send me a message but you don't need to know my every move from here on out.. *URGH*

Well.. let me go .. they are bringing that book for people to sign and all that.. Life doesn't stop .. so.. I'll be back to blog again later...

I feel like I should have my daddy's outro music playing..

DNRs, POA, and my life drifting away..

I'm not spellchecking this shit..
fuck it..

Last night.. I had to make the hardest decision of my life..whether my father got what he needed to live or die. I know that ultimately it's up to GOD whether he goes home..but I had to make the decision to continue the treatment to keep his blood pressure up which is already very very low.  My father has a DNR and he gave me power of attorney to make the call when the time came..
God forgive.. for making the decision I made..

When the hospital called and said that they needed my permission to put a stint in his neck because all his other veins were destroyed.. I didn't know what to say or do..The hospital also called my aunt to get in touch with me so I had to talk to her about it.. I didn't know what to do, I didn't really understand what they were saying to me because they talk in Medicine.. I need the Lame ass version cause I don't have a clue. So I called the one person that I knew KNEW what the hell they were talking about and that would give me the TRUTH.. not HER truth, we call her THE MAMA..She is truly my angel on Earth.. She didn't give birth to me but she is the closest thing to a mother I will ever have..

She explained to me that this was pretty much the last resort and that I was being asked the one question that I never wanted to answer.. Do I continue his suffering ( because I'm a brat and I just want my daddy) or do I let go...and Let GOD ( meaning show him the ultimate love and let him go home).. My immediate thought was.. I'm doing it.. Anything to keep my daddy here with me.. I want my daddy.. People tell me all the time how they wish they had ONE more day.. just ONE more Hour.. Just one more time to say I LOVE YOU.. so I wanted as many as I possibly can get.. My aunt was calling me back to back to back.. every phone.. then she had my cousin calling while she was calling and I just Couldn't BREATHE.. My family has always been like that.. they want what THEY want RIGHT THEN.. and they will literally beat you down emotionally until they get it..  Can you imagine 3 phones ringing at the same time..back to back to back..

The decision was left up to me .. so It doesn't matter what you have to say. I begged my father to give this to someone else.. BEGGED HIM.. but he said he knew..I would do the right thing.. So..I did.. I made the decision not to approve the surgery. I know that this means that his pressure will bottom out soon.. he will not eat because they needed to feed him through that tube, which means his sugar will drop.. and he will pass away.  God forgive me.. 

My father has suffered for so many years.. and even if they gave him the surgery.. it may not work anyway and he could die in the process. So I'm damned if I do or don't..he said he didn't want to be cut again.. So I'm loving my father more than my selfishness and I'm letting God truly take control...  Control.. There is that word again..  When my sister was murdered.. they put IN CONTROL on her headstone.. and it would ALWAYS stand out to me.. like a message or something.. I never got it until very recently...

After talking to my mama.. she agreed that I needed to go talk to him.. *at this time I was still saying Have the surgery* but I knew what was right..At first.. I couldn't start my car.. that happened the other day too..I called my BFF because I just couldn't do this ... He said I'm putting my clothes on and meeting you at the hospital.. ( he is the absolute Best... I'm soo blessed to have him) Once I got the key to actually go in the ignition.. and start it.. I backed up to drive down my drive way and I couldn't make my car drive onto the street..  I called everyone I could.. the phone just rung rung rung... ( what are those lyrics.. I called on my best friend.. she could not be found.. but I called on Jesus .. my life he can hold.. ) So I said God Help me..  and my finger called Naressa.. I don't actually really looking at her number I just remember hearing her voice..and I told her what was happening .. She said I'm on my way to get you.. DON'T MOVE...That wasn't a problem because I couldn't..

When she got there.. Chuckles ( my children's father Charles) was dropping off Kasey. I tried to get it together because I don't like for my children to see me like that.. but I couldn't even look at her when she asked if I was ok... I just nodded... Chuckles has known me a LONG time.. we have had some really BAD times...but he knows me.. and how to approach me.. so he backed his car up next to mine and we talked on speaker phone.. in our cars until Naressa pulled up.. I got out.. he got out.. I walked to him and he put his arms around me and laid my head on his chest.. it was a weird feeling since I hadn't been there in 10 + years.. but it was comforting to know he was there..

Anyway.. I got in the car with Ressa.. and all I could hear was Marvin Sapp.. *Praise him in Advance* it echoed.. ( my head is kinda empty sometimes) She said OWW and I got it.. Here is when I knew my decision needed to change.. As we are listening to the song.. When it got to the 2nd verse. it started to SKIP really really bad... and I just busted out laughing because this wasn't the first time that has happened to me.. 

Picture it.. Huntsville, about 2 months ago.. My father was about 25+ days without Diaylsis.. because he was READY to go home.. and so my best friend from High school.. Kim was there.. He loves her soo.. She takes care of him when he is at the Hospital cause she is A BIG DAWG over there.. So he had made Cd's for everyone.. and he was playing the song for her as he did for others who he loved..  and she is on one side I'm on the other... and in the second verse.. the Cd skipped.. So I was like.. That was GOD.. I laughed and he said.. start it over.. I did.. and he played all the way through.. and at the end of the song Kim (who's a nurse) had her head on his because his pulse was really low.. and I'm on the other side.. He had his daughters there with him.. and his head tilts back... She calls his name.. Daddy.. daddy... and He lifts his head and says.. " Got Dayummit my heart won't stop beating"... I wanted to choke the hell outta him.. It was funny as hell but It pissed me off too..

So when it happened in the car with Ressa.. I knew.. to just let God have it. Carlos met us at the hospital..( she was freaked out because of the Cd thing.. Long story ) We went in to see him and he was more alert and talking.. I explained to him what was happening and he said it too.. I don't want the surgery.  As his daughter, his friend, and power of Attorney.. I had to make sure that he knew what that meant.. I really don't know that he understands because with septsis.. you are extremely confused.. but when he said No.. it was No.. I was okay with it.. I had my friends there for support.. We laughed together.. and cried together.. my dad and my Bff had a convo when I stepped out to talk to the nurse.. I was good..

I came home and called my Mama back.. because she was losing it because I was losing it.. Although she didn't give birth to me.. she understands me and we have a very STRONG connection.. because she loves me as a daughter.. and I love her as a mother.. but also because of our indian heritage.. No I'm not just saying that.. I'm not 3 parts Cherokee.. I'm actually Choctaw..and my mother is a medicine woman.. Alot of people wont understand that either.. or even believe in it.. but she is WHO she is.. and I am who I am.. and we really don't give a flying fig newton who believes or agrees.. We know what we know..
Anyway.. she was crying and burning sage and lavender.. (do ya research) and so we had to get still..she wouldn't get there until I did.. so once we talked .. we were good..

But then.. it hit me again.. Did I do the right thing? Did I just sign my dad's death certificate? I feel like a murderer.. Yea.. I know it sounds crazy but until you are HERE.. you can't Know what this feels like.. I know that they changed his Ivs and they have to change them every 72 hours ..They don't have anymore veins to use so.. he won't get the meds.. which means..


sigh....


Life really fucking SUCKS.. I have had all of my friends with me through this.. some for 4 years..  and I just don't know what to do with myself.. How do you go through your normal day knowing that that call is coming.. How do you smile when you can't even  breathe..The funny thing is.. I posted a stat that said I needed soft sheets music, and a strong shoulder..before all this happened.. and more than one person asked me ... where my man is..  He's here.. but sometimes.. the people closes to you are too close to the situation.. It's not that I don't love my man.. or that he doesn't love me.. that is SOOOO not the case.. but with going through this with me all these years.. he has his feelings and opinions and right now...  I just want to be somewhere with people who WON'T talk about this.. who won't remind me of what is going on.. who will just let me BE in their space and I don't have to think ... about anything..

No.. it has NOTHING TO DO WITH CHEATING OR SEX ... cause I know that's what a few of you are thinking.. It has to do with being sheltered from the world where nothing and no one can find you for just a Lil while... where I can breathe.. think.. collect my thoughts and myself.. cry if I need too with out someone telling me how I SHOULD feel and to be strong for the family.. FUCK the FAMILY.. those muthafuckas haven't done 1/100th of what I have.. so they don't deserve anything from me other than an ASS to kiss.. When my father dies.. I won't have anymore FAMILY.. I will probably never hear from any of them again... and I really wouldn't give a shit..

I just ... need to be someplace other than here.. can ANYONE understand that...

If Only ...

They planned to meet again since the day they laid eyes on each other. The feeling was indescribable.She met him at a friend's wedding a few months earlier. They spent the entire night dancing..even as the bride and groom drove away. She couldn't seem to stop staring into his eyes. But they had to return to their lives 4oo miles away from each other. They talked everyday and eventually just couldn't take it anymore. They had to see each other if only for one night. She didn't care what she had to do but she was determined to feel his arms around her again.







The day was finally here. She walked through the airport,her black strapless dress fitting to a tee, strappy heels, fresh pedicure, overnight bag rolling behind her. She commanded attention without saying a word, which was the very thing he couldn't resist. Reaching into her bag, she opens her cell phone to call him and let him know she had arrived. She had made a reservation at the Westin Hotel not far from the airport. She asked if he would meet her their so they could go to dinner. Room 1704...






 She gave herself a lil time so that she could freshen up before he got there.Checking in, she ordered a bottle of wine so that she could unwind. She walks into her room, the scent of clean linen feels the air. She walks over to window and opens the blinds to admire the view. There was a knock on the door. She answers, the bellhop enters with the bottle of wine she had ordered. As she reaches for her purse, she turns around to see him standing there. The man she has been dreaming about for months.






He stood 6'4, a body that made you think God was a woman because no man could ever create something so appealing, deep dark eyes, and a smile that just melted your heart. He tipped the bellboy and presented her with 2 dozen of the most perfect roses she had ever seen. "You're breathtaking" she looks down puts her hand in her hair to ensure everything was in place blushing like a school girl. She sits the flowers on the bed and opens her arms to hug him. Her knees buckled slightly at the feeling of him holding her, the scent of his cologne was driving her crazy. He picked her up, which literally swept her off her feet. She couldn't describe it, but she never wanted it to stop.






Slowly, he let her down. She looked into his eyes. He gently caressed her face and kissed her. It seemed as if time completely stopped. She tried to control herself, not to let him know that she could care less about going out, she could have him for dinner. He stepped back to admire her. Every hair in place, curves to die for, eyes that hypnotized him. He asked if she was ready to go, he didn't want them to be late. She agreed, walked over to grab her purse. He stood by the door watching her every move.. It was all over his face that he wasn't interested in food but he was a gentlemen and would never let on that he wanted to take her right there.






She starts to walk toward the door and she begins thinking to herself" Girl this man is fine as hell. You felt that bulge when he scooped you up, he wants you and you damn sure want him.. You didn't pack those Trojans for nothing." She giggles to herself. He asks to be let in on the joke as he opens the door for her. She looks at him, closes the door, throws her purse on the door and takes a chance. One of two things would happen, he would either pull away from her or they would have the most incredible sex they have ever had. Guess which one he chose.






He grabbed her hips, pulled her close as they kiss passionately. He slowly pulls up her dress exposing her thighs that he had been dreaming of tasting for months. He gently pushes her to the wall where lifts her up to kiss her extremely perky breasts. She wraps her legs around him. He kisses her neck, her head tilting against his because if feels so good. He begins to pull her panties down. She grabs his head and tells him to rip them. This excited him to no end and he did as he was told. He sat her back down and got on his knees, placed her leg over his shoulder and began to enjoy her sweetness. " Baby, ummm.. don't stop.... O my..UMMMMM...."






He stands up and unzips her dress...it falls to the floor. She begins to open his shirt... reaching for his belt, he kisses her again.He whispers in her ear, turn around. She smiles devilishly and complies. Looking over her shoulders she could see him taking in the view. He pulls her back to him and she arches her back impatiently awaiting him the enter. He slowly fingers her to make sure it wett and slides his head inside.She has to arch her back a lil more because she really wasn't expecting all that. They both moan with pleasure as this feeling takes over them. With every stroke, he goes deeper and deeper. She tries to throw it back to him but he stops and says "Don't move baby, let me do all the work." Well if he didn't want her to move she was going to position herself to take it all. So, she bends over grabs the back of her heels and places her back against the wall. He was in shock.. didn't know she was a freak like that.






She screams with pleasure, spelling his name (backwards I might add).. This man was KING DINGALING. But she would not let him get the best of her. She stands up, turns around and walks him over to the window where there is a lounge chair and Ottoman. She sits him down and gently slides on top of this massive amount of man. She begins slow.. riding up and down, back and forth until it really starts to get good. She puts her hands on his shoulders and goes faster and faster.. He slaps her ass,which only makes her want him more. He can't believe how she is taking it and starts to give her names like MS.GOOD PU**Y. She loves it when a man talks dirty to her. The feeling is getting the best of both of them and she moans " Baby... I'm cuming." He lifts her off of him and slides down to the floor to taste her until she explodes in his mouth. And that she does. Ensuring that she was satisfied.. he pulls her down back on top of him and pumps hard, and deep holding her by her hips.. until he too explodes....






They never made it to dinner but do you think they really cared?






Hey everybody else was writing stories for the old 360 page... why can't I try?

Damn the Parents.. KIDS don't understand...

So, today I was waiting for my son to get out of school..Late as usual, he calls me to say that he is on his way but they had kinda locked the school down cause the kids were clowin.. When he gets in the car, he starts to explain the days events.. the first fight was with brothers beating up a guy who supposedly * ROBBED ONE AT GUN POINT* this weekend...... why the hell ... what do you OWN that someone would want that bad that they needed a GUN? 


The next one he said.. some girl walked up on a guy in the lunch room testing HIM... and slapped him in the back of the head hard as hell. Now.. Let me BE CLEAR! I DO NOT CONDONE A MAN HITTING A WOMAN.. However if you got yo BAD bitch on to the point where you want to start some stuff with a MAN... be ready to fight like one.. That's just the laws of Nature hell.. You don't take a knife to a gun fight..  So she ended up getting the brakes beat off of HER because of it.. Slapped thru a table or something.. UNNECESSARY.. satchoassdownsomewherelilgurl...So both of them are suspended.. hell probably expelled... you know they love doing that.. Rehabilitation is not an option anymore..


The next one was a walk around in a circle type deal.. Not really much happened.. However the potential for danger was there.. The kids standing on the stairs watching.. So if they did get into it.. My nosey a__ child would have been right in the midst because in HIS WORDS... " all the fights made the day FUN!".... Owww .. when he said that mess to me... * getting my ALI stance... doing my swing step*..I could have choke slammed the hell outta him. I was driving though.. so that wouldn't have been a good look..  But it took me back to my high school days and all the friends that are NO longer with us.. because of STRAIGHT iggnit ish like this.. PAUL MURRAY, ANDRE KELLY, and one guy who's name simple escapes me at the moment.. but is the most RELEVANT because he got killed and he wasn't even DOING anything.. urgh.. It's sad to say but they all tend to BLEND together.. because there are SO MANY!


These kids look at DEATH like it's no big deal.. When the young man died at the teen club here earlier this year.. I told my son.. and he was like.. "For real.. dang that's messed up... Can I go play basketball?" ......... He wasn't being disrespectful to him at all.. because he told me later how he was really a nice guy and they were cool.. but he just blew it off like it was nothing.. They don't understand.. DEATH IS FINAL.. He understands with his grandfather.. because he still cries for him.. he wants him back... but his friends.... they are just like.. OH WELL.....* kayne shrug*... 


OH WELL!?!.....


Burying a child is NOT on my list of things to do for the YEAR.. If something happens to one of my children... They may as well start preparing 2 funerals.. because I don't WORK with out my family.. When did the world become so.... HEARTLESS? When did LIFE become so ...UNIMPORTANT? 


There was a situation when I was in high school.. where my man at the time and some of his boys were all.. *AIR QUOTES* supposedly in a gang... And I remember that my friend was really ready to PUT IT IN SOMEONE'S LIFE.. Thought he saw the car they drove.. and Here our DUMB ASSES go Following him.. Hell.. I had just got out of a damn Fashion show.. *_*.. now I'm going to stomp a hole in somebody's head..  ( pause)


don't get me wrong.. if you push me past the limit and I've giving you ample opportunities to RUN.. then YEA.. I'm about to crack your THINKER for f'n with me.. I ain't no Killer but.... *_*


( press play)


So anyway.. we follow them until he stops.. dude is sitting in the car...so my homie reaches in HIS car to get a *weapon*.. that's all I'm saying.. And was just about to ROCKABYE this dude in front of me... when he realized it was the wrong dayum person... Just like that.. ALL OF OUR LIVES WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER!... *snap of a finger* These crazy sonsofsobe..( I didn't want to call them outta there names.. that's all I could think of ) WANT to see this mess so they can put it on YOUTUBE.. When I first accessed my son's page.. I saw a video posted of a girl getting jumped at LEE and the girl with her camera phone was commentating like  LETTTTTTT'S GET READYYYYY TO RUMMMMBLLEEEE type ish...


What is wrong.. Where did the lines get blurred where parents stop popping these kids for acting like they don't have good SENSE.. And what pisses me OFF.. is the fact that these kids..are RIDICULOUSLY SMART.. why are you wasting your life away when you can be making money? .... FOR REAL!?


I know people have their thing about Jay-Z and the illuminati stuff.. but I heard something on the radio one day that I had to give that man his props on.. (hell I'm a fan anyway ) The situation was there was beef with him and 50... so after some event.. 50 with his IGNIT ass... walks up to Jay.. like..what's up Nicca .. we gone do this or what? And Jay responds to him..." AND MESS UP THIS MONEY.. are you serious? " That's about the REALEST ish I have ever heard in my life... DAMN YOU.. I gotta get this MONEY! Illuminatin or whatever he doing.. WE TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!! yea I said it... 


But these children won't reach OUR AGE if we don't do something NOW!!


Why do I hear the theme music... to the movie... COLORS! 


urgh!

Parents Just don't Understand...

 
" pay attention to the signs"

At church today.. I saw one of my extra children go up to be baptized..It shook me a lil bit because she had just been baptized a few months ago with my baby girl..  So when she walked past me crying ... I instantly went into MAMA mode.. I sometimes over step my boundaries and I know that.. but when I see a baby in need.. I can't help it.. So, after talking with her parents who are friends of ours I found out that my baby was living MY life as a child..Her mother is not in her life, she isn't a good role model.. she lies to her constantly.. yet the baby still puts all her faith in her.. Real familiar to me.. I wanted nothing more than to have the love and approval of my mother.. but she chose to focus her attention on the life she didn't have due to having children..

No, I'm not gonna put all my family business out there.. but there are a lot of things that I had to let go of to live my life MY WAY!  I let go of the hurt, let go of the pain.. but for some reason.. People insisted that I was holding on to it because I didn't want to be bothered with her. My brother and sister to this DAY.. still try to FORCE me to allow my mother to be a part of my life and the lives of my children.. I never understood it.. because they know what type of person she is...  but they still want to be around her.. for whatever reason..She hasn't changed, however, they want to SEE what they want to see.. and that's their battle not mine..

So back to my extra baby.. when I found out that she was hurting so much.. I went to her while she was waiting to talk to the upper levels in the church.. and I put my arms around her and told her..I GET IT!.. I understand.. And she just broke into tears.. Sometimes.. people don't know what it means for someone else to have been down the road you are traveling.. I told her..my phone rings everyday.. all day long.. My door is always open. And as she cried.. I felt my heart breaking.. I stand up and her father is standing right over me ... like I was doing something wrong.

Parents just don't understand sometimes.. Even as a child I got the SUCK IT UP talk from a lot of my family.. or the baby HAVE FAITH THAT SHE WILL CHANGE talk...  and it all went in one ear and out the other because it was someone talking to me who didn't FEEL what I felt.. didn't HURT like I hurt.. they didn't cry the same tears I cried.. We as parents sometimes don't want our children to BE children but want them to stay in a Child's Place.. Do as I say.. no matter HOW it makes you feel.. That doesn't fix the problem.. They haven't learned the life skills to SUCK IT UP and just do it.. Hell that's not healthy for ADULTS so why are we teaching our children to do it.. Don't know any better, I guess.. And I don't claim to have the answers to every problem.. But THIS SHIT HERE... I know all too well..

When there is a dead beat parent and a custodial parent.. the lines of communication get really Blurry. The dead beat parents don't seem to see the problems or the pain that they are causing the children involved.. while the custodial parents seem to think that since they are providing a home for them.. that they should just GET OVER it. That would be wonderful in Fantasy Land.. but we live in the times where drugs, babies, and suicide are at an all time HIGH for teenagers.  Tears can be a cry for HELP ...not a ploy to get attention. There are only SO many times you can sweep things under the rug before you have a pile of SHIT in the middle of the room...

Back to the situation... Now, again.. my children and EXTRA children are not angels..They don't get into major trouble.. like drugs, stealing cars..and foolishness like that.. but they don't clean their rooms.. talk back .. you know.. Teenage stuff... But when THEY hurt.. they HURT.. and someone needs to pay attention. The problem is.. the ones that are paying attention have to deal with others telling them to get out of their family business... "oh she just looking for sympathy"... " I deal with her everyday I know what the hell is going on with my child".. kinda talk...

* oh boy.... that's opening the DOOR*

I am not a counselor.. I don't even play one of Facebook.. However, I know signs of depression and this child has them.. you can't TOUCH her without Tears.. REAL ones.. you know the kind where they can't talk for doing that sniffling thing..  I want to help her but the parents are giving me that .. stay the hell out my business look...

What do I do? Just let that baby SUFFER.. when I've been through that mess... and know how much it hurts to NOT have a mother..

OR...

Do I tell these parents.. You can hate me if you want.. end our friendship.. whatever.. But that baby NEEDS HELP and I'm gonna be there regardless?

What would YOU do....

What ever happened to it takes a VILLAGE?.... geez..

I'm telling ya'll now.. If you see something in my kids that I don't see.. please come talk to me.. because at the end of the day... they are all that matters...



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Meal Tickets.. Kill yaself.. ...

.... sigh..

I really hate stupid people... they are fun to make fun of most times but sometimes they can down right get on my f'n nerves.  For those of you who know me and my children.. you know that I have a daughter in middle school who is 6'3.. Yes, she plays ball.. Yes, she will probably get a scholarship to college based on her height alone.. However.. to me.. she is JUST MY BABYGIRL.. my ANGEL .. MY MIRACLE..

I feel like I say this over and over and over again but.. I don't see my child as a MEAL TICKET. I don't LOOK for her to buy me a DAMN THING.. All I require from her is that she is a good person and that she hands me a college degree.. If basketball is the way that SHE wants to get that.. that's HER choice.. No one else's..

My BFF told me that it was going to get hard for me and her father around this time in her life because people will be coming at her left and right to play here or there.. and it will only get worse when she goes to high school.. I don't wanna deal with this shit.. My attitude is too bad to deal with vultures and I don't trust ANYONE.. So, talking to smart ass agents and pushy coaches that just want to use her to better their team is not high up on my priority list. But what pisses me off more than the thought of those idiots are the idiots that think they can get in my good graces NOW so that they can CLAIM shit later ..it just makes my eyelashes bleed.

For instance, I posted on my FB page a few days ago.. that she played her first game of her 8th grade year and what she did in the game. Now, I don't know this dude AT ALL other than him trying to talk slick to me.. and that we apparently go to the same church.. Don't know him like that..  Anyway, he goes on to tell me how DISAPPOINTED he is in my daughter's performance and that I need to bring her to HIM so that she can learn the game.

First of all, my daughter is the niece of an all state FEMALE high school basketball player & all city and now an OLYMPIAN.. Her fathers ( biological & step) both are extremely talented ball players along with another Uncle. Another Uncle was a track star and her god father is a track star/coach who works with children in sports.. We aren't going to mention my friend in Memphis who plays with her and coaches her.. or her Uncle who coaches an AAU team... Does it seem as if she needs anymore HELP? I think NOT!

After I gracefully... (yes it was graceful dammit.. I didn't cuss .... THEN) put him in his place.. He comes BACK to me to tell me that he went and talked to some other middle school players about her... this conversation turned into a gossip session about my child where threats were made about hurting her if they ever ran into her.. BECAUSE he was telling them that she was better than them.. etc. etc.  Again.. we don't know you from a can of PAINT.. so who asked you to go start conversations with children YOU don't even know about a CHILD you never met.. Never seen... never spoke too and now have put down OTHER children to the point where they want to HURT my daughter..

Let me tell you something about ME...  You can SAY what you want and DO what you want to ME.. But if you so much as BREATHE wrong at my children.. you will have to answer to me. I take being a mother EXTREMELY serious.. Some may say too much.. But I am going to protect them at every cost..  Now, I know most of you are thinking.. This just children talking.. But children talking today turns into .. I have to prove something.. and if they think for half a millisecond that they will make a point with my child.. they better do their homework.  I FIGHT KIDS!.. THEIR PARENTS.. GRANDPARENTS.. UNCLES... AUNTS.. NEIGHBORS.. CLERGY.. whatever .. when it comes to the safety of my babies...

With that being said.. Know that if something does jump off.. after I jump off the top of their damn heads.. I will jump right on top of his for starting this shit. These children are killing each other now a days and my family has suffered enough with murder...

.. Another thing that URKS the hell outta me is the fact that because my daughter is BLACK.. people ASSUME that she NEEDS to play basketball to go to college.. Not the case.. We have had a college fund for them ALL.. for years.. But if we didn't.. know that if I had to sell my ASS, my Hair.. and all my possessions for them to go to college.. I would make it happen. Not ALL black people are lazy, irresponsible parents as those idiots would like to think. I will do anything for my children BUT sell their souls to the devil ... for them to be successful.. That's what a REAL parent would do..

So... MIDDLE then INDEX to all you assholes that think that my child is MY MEAL TICKET...I don't live THROUGH my children.. I LIVE BECAUSE of them.. and if you can't see that.. Please remove yourself from OUR lives as fast as you can.

Now don't get me wrong.. if my daughter doesn't ever pick up another basketball.. I couldn't care less.. But since she does want to play.. I will ALWAYS be there to support anything POSITIVE that she or does.. I will jump, scream, cheer, cry, cuss out a ref or whatever because I am proud of her and her teammates.. They could be doing ALOT of other things but they CHOOSE to do something positive and I will be the first one in line when any of them need me.. Not so that I can say.. "well remember when I did this or that for YOU" but so that they KNOW that no matter what.. SOMEONE SEES THEM AS MORE THAN A MEAL TICKET!....


You see.. a ball player..



I see an angel...  I love you babygirl...

*deuces*