Not having my father at my wedding has been a big deal to me.. I know he will be there but not physically. So that was on my mind.. but then I got a phone call from my aunt.. She told me that she had just spoken with my father's ex wife. Now, his ex wife is also the mother of my sister Kasey who I speak of alot. Kasey was murdered 6 days before my 13th birthday and that was the last time and the first time that I had met her mother. I remember walking up on the porch and she looked over at me and fainted. I looked so much like my sister .. it was really too much for her.. she had to be sudated when she was told my sister had died... and see me just.. sigh...
Well, anyway, she asked my aunt if she could talk to me.. I was really caught off guard with it all but .I agreed.. She immediately called me and we talked for a while... I learned some very IMPORTANT news from her that I can't really go into detail about at this time.. But what she did do was lift a weight off my heart.. Okay.. this is where it gets deep for me...
Since I was a baby.. I have always felt a lil out of sorts.. always felt like the black sheep of the family.. the odd one out.. because I heard things that people thought I didn't hear.. or maybe they thought I wouldn't understand.. But, long story short.. I was the only one in my family with both parents in the house together. I remember my cousins came to spend the weekend with us when I was about 7 or 8 and she asked me what it FELT like to have my mama and daddy in the same house. Didn't really know what they meant at the time..But it seemed to be a theme in my family.. The Daddy's just didn't really stick around.. But my daddy did.. and became daddy to everyone he came in contact with.. He loved us all the same.. no matter whether they lived in the house with us or not.
Well, when my sister came to live with us.. there was a LOT of tension in the house between she and my mother. Eventually , Kasey went back to Birmingham where her mother lived.. and that was the last time I saw her.. I only got to talk to her once or twice after that.. then she was gone... ;(
So when her mother called me.. .I was just speechless.. I had so many questions but they wouldn't come out.. I always thought that She felt like what everyone was saying... She thought it was basically unfair that I had both parents..and the fact that my mother and her mother HATED each other didn't help. I was always told that she tried to kill me while my mother was pregnant with me.. And she admitted that she hit my mother with a chair in the stomach.. but.. she kinda had good reason.... that's all I'm gonna say about that.. We talked about a lot of things dealing with my father that I'm just not ready to talk about.. but more about my sister.. We cried about her.. because she didn't know that I was going to check on her.. clean her grave and all of that.. She had been paying a lady to do so.. but she had become sick and couldn't do it for years and had noone else to do it.. So she was very happy that I was taking care of my big sister...
But then she gave me .... closure.. She said that my sister would always talk about how much she loved me and Missed her "favorite lil BRAT"... I hadn't heard that since I was about 10 or so.. For years, I didn't know what she thought.. how she felt.. and I was MAD that people kept that from me.. I needed to hear that ... I needed to know that she did LOVE me.. and thought about me as much as I thought about HER.. It was a relief.. But then it got weird.. She said I could call her Auntie.. which kinda threw me for a loop..
I have lived most of my life in the shadow of my siblings.. especially my siblings... especially KASEY.. Her murder was a constant reminder for me.. Every Birthday, father's day, every September 28, every Christmas... I couldn't do alot of things in life because my father was slightly.... MAJORLY over protective of me.. So I had to sneak and do things.. because I was always so sheltered.. I understood why my daddy was like that.. but still.. He couldn't protect me from Death.. And Now, I kinda feel like she is trying to replace my sister.. with me.. The early morning phone calls.. just.. I don't know.. made me feel a kind of way... I know that she has missed my sister.. and I don't mind allowing her into a part of my life.. But NOT ALL of my life.. I won't ... I can't be HER DAUGHTER.. My name is Dionne.. not Kasey..
So, that's why I was in tears the other day... and I just couldn't get it together.. Emotions really took over.. I had to not only think about my father being gone but now my sister too.. I've been trying to block that for a while but it pretty much slapped me in the face this time..
She wants to see pictures of me and my children.. especially my daughter Kasey.. because she just thought it was so perfect that I named my first daughter after her.. Sometimes I regret doing that.. I hope she isn't feeling like she is living with the ghost of my sister...
Today, I got up the nerve to contact her again via text.. It was easier.. I was explained to her that thinking about daddy and my sister really just messed me up for a while.. and I needed to get myself together. I decided that would send her a few pictures of me and the kids.. and she in turn would send me some pictures of my sister that I have never seen before... I hope I'm not getting myself into deep..
