Blessed to be A Blessing..

On my way home from practice I noticed an elderly man walking with bags..  It caught my attention because he bent over and sat them down and grabbed his back. I drove past him but quickly got in the turn lane ..  Now I know that people are crazy these days and you can't trust everyone.. But we will never get back to being known as the SWEET LOVING TOWN that we all loved growing up..  Trusting in GOD, I went back to pick up this very nice gentlemen who was walking WITH bags from WALMART to the neighborhood Mastin Lake School..  We may think that's nothing but after going through what I have this week with heat and heart troubles.. there was NO WAY I was letting that man walk another step..

I asked him if I could give him a ride and he QUICKLY smiled and said YES.. He got in the car slow.. Tired and very hot.. and he said I was his ANGEL for the DAY.. I said I'm no angel I was just raised right.. I said my father would not be pleased if I had let him walk.. it was TOO hot.. And he replied with.. I have to DO what I have to do.. My wife is bedridden and I don't drive.. *my heart instantly broke*  I remember what that was like taking care of my father.. It's not their fault that they are sick.. but those that step in to take care of them.. need a break sometimes.. The further we drove the more I realized how LONG it would have taken him to get home.. I wondered how long he had been out in the sun.. *heart breaking again* ... 

I told him that I would help him if he needed it.. because that's just what we are suppose to do.. You step in.. when their is work to be done.. I've been blessed.. so I have to Pay it FORWARD.. I won't say what I saw when I pulled up to the house .. but I will say ...that.. sometimes.. People are put in your life for a reason.  I gave him my number and told him to call anytime.. and when he calls.. I'm going to GO..  why? Because one day.. that could be ME..  it has been me.. and I would want someone to take just a moment of their time to DO THE RIGHT THING..

You don't have to do what I did.. But just take a second and put yourself in someone else's shoes.. There are people in the nursing homes that don't get ANY visitors at all.. Go sit and talk to some of them.. Learn some of their HUNTSVILLE HISTORY.. Go to the Hospitals and volunteer.. To the Veteran's Home.. Don't just talk about it.. make it a way of LIFE.. You may think it's nothing .. but to someone else.. It could change their entire DAY..

I thank God for putting me in that place and that time.. It made me see just how BLESSED I am to have a car.. a home.. it makes me appreciate the people around me.. and to be THANKFUL for what I do have.. and stop worrying about what I DON'T have..

You all are a blessing to me..whether you know it or not.. and I had to PAY IT FORWARD.

Word of my LIFE: Change

I know some of you might not believe me.. and I know a few of you may be GRATEFUL for it.. However, none of this is for anyone but ME.. I'm changing.. The more I fight it.. the more I change.. So I guess I just need to stop fighting it, huh?.. For some reason, I honestly don't even feel like dealing with the foolishness that I use to look FORWARD too a few months ago. I really don't enjoy the same people that I had in my life.. or should I say the same KIND of people. I honestly think it's MY TIME.. with my children, my husband, my family.. and most of all GOD.  I don't know what Changed.. or actually when it Changed.. But I'm kinda glad it did. 

Tonight at church.. the pastor was from Pine Grove. And he talked about Peter.. and how he stepped out on faith.. ( stepped out of the boat) and walked on water.. And he was doing good.. until he took his eyes off GOD and looked at the wind. The minute he did.. it was a done deal.. And I think that's what I have been going through.. I was so focused on the things that I knew were going to change that I lost focus of what was keeping me afloat.  I have given way too much of my time and energy to foolishness, foolish people, and foolish needs.. Always trying to please others .. and forgetting that I deserve the same happiness that I'm trying to give everyone else. 

After church, I went to talk to my Uncle Calvin( he's really my god father.. but we are Southern so that's what we say).. and I asked him had he talked to my biological mother.. and he said no. I told him that she had a heart attack ... and he said he would pray for her.. and then he said something.. that really.. the more I think about it .. makes me want to cry.. He said.. " you know she is still mad at me because she thinks I chose YOU over her... You didn't even know that did you?" I didn't know that was why she stopped going to his church but I wasn't surprised at what he said.. because she said the very same thing to my father after my sister died. She said my father was paying too much attention to me.. Well he had just buried his first born.. what did you think he would do with his last biological child? She always told me that I ruined her marriage.. and just tonight it hit me.. I mean Really HIT me.. She couldn't love ME.. because she didn't love Herself.. 

But here again.. is where the same bible verse that has been repeated to me over and over for the past week comes in.. Earlier in the night, my godfather said.. Don't look in the first chapters of Job.. go to the back.. like the 42nd chapter..  The bible verse that has been repeated.. Job 42:10.. "Pray for your friends and everything that has been taken from you will be returned double."

The pastor that spoke kept saying .. Everyone can't GO where you are going.. and Be thankful for the things that you have.. the lil miracles.. My fb *god wants you to know* said the exact same thing... " Stop looking for the BIG Miracles and pay attention to the SMALL ones"...

How does all this tie in.. I've been waiting on BIG miracles.. friends that I've lost to be returned, my sister, my family, my father.. and I wasn't paying any attention.. The more I pray the more I realize that everything that was taken from me.. HAS been returned but I was too blind to see it.. .. 


I was never loved by my birth mother, but God sent me a NEW one..Ebony Krystal... One who prays for me, loves me unconditionally, and loves my children.. my husband... She went out of her way, spent money she needed, to be here for my wedding.. so that I would have A PARENT here.. She didn't give birth to me.. but she would kill for me just as I would her..  That's my Miracle...


I wanted friends that I lost and thought I needed to be returned to me.. I'm looking in ONE direction and my twin( a sister... and a friend) Latara was standing beside me. She is one of those people that you don't come across everyday.. She has one of those Hearts that just seem to never stop showing love.. I don't know how she does it.. but that's what I strive to be.. She is only a year older than me.. and she's shorter than me.. :) but words can not express how I look up to her.. Sometimes ... ok all the time.. I feel like she doesn't see how wonderful she really is.. She has been my sister, my friend, my conscience, my back bone, and my confidant.. MAJOR miracle..


My brother has always been my ROCK.. he was my Security growing up.. We don't always see eye to eye on things .. but he's so far away that .. I feel like our relationship is stranded.. But, when he isn't around.. I have the BEST big brother every.. Carlos..Ya'll have heard me talk about him forever.. He's the one man outside of my husband and son that I would literally take a bullet for.. There aren't many LIKE him.. okay.. there really isn't ANYONE like him.. 
SUPER MAJOR MIRACLE..


I have all these people in my life that God has already given me.. to replace what I THOUGHT I have been missing.. They have been there the whole time.. Eyes Wide Shut.. Couldn't see the forest for the trees.. God gave it too me long before I ever realized it was what I needed.. He replaced the bad feelings with comfort.. the bad people, with Blessings... and the filled in my heart where there was a void.. 


I know this is really long and you have probably skipped through half of it.. but I just have to say.. God is GOOD.. Period.. We can say it all Day.. but you will never have a TESTIMONY.. without a TEST..  He doesn't test you to fail you.. he tests you to promote you.. 
It's all in how you choose to receive it.. Alot of people have doubts about religion but I honestly think the problem is with the Church.. not GOD.. but I guess everyone has to learn for themselves.. all I can say is I'm so Glad I got him.. because without him.. I would be nowhere.. 


A bigger CHANGE is coming.. I'm claiming.. I've said it.. so now I have to believe and prepare myself for it.. 


Song that's been in my head all day.. 

:)... LOVEEEE IT.. Old school ..

Say it with your ...... HEART!

Today ... I woke up to an alert from Facebook from my niece ... She was talking about how much she missed her grandfather.. It breaks my heart that my babies have so much hurt in their hearts. I wish I could fix it for them all.. Their grandfathers loved them more than anything in this world... They both said that they were fighting with GOD to stay here for them.. Can you believe that.. They loved them SO much that they were willing to give up HEAVEN just to spend more time with them.. Priceless.. I tried my hardest to try to make her understand but then again.. there are things that I don't understand.. I wish that my father was here to explain them to me..

We have to Mime 3rd Sunday at church on FATHER'S DAY of all days...my 1st without my daddy.. and I swear I don't know if I will be able to make it through this.. The song we are ministering to is Marvin Sapp " Never would have made it"..... It's almost poetic huh? It took everything in me to get up and go to church this morning for practice.. because everytime I THINK of this song... I start to cry.. But as my father taught me.. I had to suck it up and get it done.  I walked in and one of our Elders was there waiting on me so that he could talk to the entire group. I'm glad he waited because I needed to hear exactly what he needed to say...

Since my wedding, I have had some really big wake up calls... lost friends that I thought would always be there.. people assuming alot, saying things to me that others are saying ABOUT me, people in church having an issue with me because they have issues with people I am friends with.. and just basically being ostracized for whatever reason. I, for the LIFE of me, couldn't figure out why...and I have gone over it and over it in my head ... Did I do something wrong.. When did everything change? What the hell happened...  And as soon as Elder B started to speak... it hit me like a ton of bricks.. There are/ were people in my life who didn't need to be there in the beginning.. Some are around for the wrong reasons, some are jealous, some are just plain SAD. not sad in the sense of they are pitiful.. but sad in the purest form.. They don't have any joy in their life.. He said .. the happiness that I have, the dedication to the church that I have ( even though I am far from what most consider CHRISTIAN) .. the sacrifices I make for others... It's a slap in the face to some people because they are trying so hard to have a VOICE in this world that they would use anything and anyone to be noticed.. I have been that sacrifice ... I have been the scapegoat ... but I'm coming into my SEASON. It's funny that he said that because one of the people I lost... or as he says Lost ME.. use to say that to me often.. I guess people really are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Now, am I perfect.... **** NO!... no way no how.. I mess up DAILY!..Some times everytime I blink my eyes I'm having horrible thoughts about people. I want to choke them for the way they have treated me or for not being the people that they appeared to be ... But then I think about it.. They were ALWAYS the people I thought they were... or felt they were...because I am a pretty good judge of character with people.. They were what I tried to make myself believe they WEREN'T.. Maybe I didn't hug them enough when I walked into the church.. Maybe I didn't call them enough ... maybe .. maybe maybe... But the bottomline is... I am changing .. and whether I believe it or not... others are starting to see it for themselves.. Can I live up to what they want me to be.. Definitely NOT.. no matter how my heart may desire to be the best person I can be.. I'm never going to be who OTHERS want me to be... and for the first time in my life .. I'm good with that... I have lived my life.. in the shadow of others.. ALWAYS.. my sisters, my mother's past.. what ever... but now .. Finally.. It's MY turn and I'm not a terrible person.. Their words were just that.. LIES.. their expectations were WRONG..

So now ... I'm learning to love me for the Fabulous person that I am.. I'm not putting a lot of faith in people because I have been fooled before ... My Twin tells me that People shouldn't start with an A ... as I say.. They should start with an C..( well she says F hahahaha.. but we settled for a C) With a C you are on level ground.. its up to YOU to choose which way you go from there... I think that's fair.. I've always wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt but ... that hasn't worked.. Its crazy to keep putting my hand on the fire and thinking I won't get burned again... Those before have made it harder for those to come... OH well... Friendships/ relationships/ associations shouldn't just become REAL.. they need to be earned.. I'm worth that.. The people I want in my life are WORTH that.. They shouldn't just ACCEPT me at face value either.. I have faults.. Lots of them... But mistreating people is not my thing.. I hate that.. but it happens.. I'm human..

We will see what the rest of this year brings.. but for right now.. Where I am ... with my friends, my family and my husband.. I'm GOOD ...

I can't do it anymore... Real talk..

I can't not understand why I am suppose to be some super human with no feelings of my own.. and able to take just MOUNDS of Bullshit off of people.. Why have I been selected the one to take all the bullshit from every single person in the world.. and have the ability to turn the other cheek. This is MY life..and people seem to feel like I OWE them something.. I don't owe anyone Shit.. Least of all my mother.. She hasn't done anything for me since June 21,1975 when she went into labor.. unless you count all the bullshit I have been through because of her.. Jail, fights... foolishness.. all that.. all thanks to my mother. 


I don't have anything to PROVE to her. I did everything she told me I would never be able to do, I'm a good mother, a college graduate... a wife.. I don't need to PROVE that I beat the odds.. My life says it enough.. Maybe not to everyone else.. but to me.. I'm done with this. My biological mother having a heart attack today means nothing to me.. That's what happens when you tell your daughter she will never amount to shit, that she is the reason a marriage didn't work.. because as a 12 year old... I took her husband from her... *_*.. I don't need to sit in the heat again with my small children because she wouldn't let me come to her house for shelter with HER grandchildren... I no longer think that I DESERVED to be raped.. according to HER I asked for it.. I called and checked on her tonight.. but when I had a heart attack and actually DIED.. she could have cared less.. When my father died.. she never called.. she only went after the MONEY.. Has YET to call and say are you ok? And we won't even talk about the shit she did to my sister...


I see that my feelings will NEVER mean anything to anyone and I do mean ANYONE.. As long as I am doing what everyone else Wants me to do.. I will be loved... well to that I say .. Fuck it.. I threw my Give a damn down the street and watched it get run over by an 18 wheeler. I am tired of living my life so that noone will be upset with me.. I'm not doing what others THINK I should do anymore.. I'm doing what's best for ME.. and my children.. and SHE is not good for either of us. There would be no real need to go see her.. and I'm not hoping for any type of reconciliation with her because she is poison. Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean that I have to continue to have her in my life.. When she told me I was NO LONGER her daughter.. It hurt like hell... but I have accepted that and it's good now.. I don't believe in these outta body ... come to Jesus.. feelings people seem to get when they have treated you like shit all your life. It's not my responsibility to get you into the pearly gates.. That's all it would be... and I'm not falling for that shit.. I pray for her.. but being in her presence is the most UN-SMART thing I could ever do.. I could easily black the hell out and choke the shit out of her sitting in that bed.  I know people are hoping for the best ( in their mind).. but I'm done with the fairy tales and happy endings.. I have prayed for her.. and I will pray for her always.. but that's all she gets.. I don't feel a NEED to rub anything in her face because she is irrelevant to me .. 


So, although I thank everyone for their concern and well wishes.. I can't be a fool for her or a do girl for anyone else. I am literally tired of dealing with everyone else's dumb shit and then them wanting me to be their savior so that they can get to Glory. It is YOUR job to do that for yourself.. I don't take ownership of that guilt anymore.. I have to have MY LIFE back.. If noone understands... oh well.. but life goes on.. I had to learn that the hard way... 


What I've learned... is .. Turning the other cheek only means you get slapped TWICE.. 

TIRED.. But I'm moving away from BITTER BITCH BLVD..

So.. I'm sitting here talking to my friend Q.. and says to me.. that everytime he hears the song "TIRED" by Kelly Price.. he thinks of me..  I had never heard that song before.. so I went to youtube and this is what I found..





"Tired"

There's a whole in my heart...
My soul... is bleeding...
I need to free...my mind...
And see what...I'm feeling
Cause Lord knows, Lord knows,
I'm......

(I'm tired)
Tired of the way he treats me
(Tired)
Tired of the guilty feelings (tired)
Tired of the broken dreams (tired)
I'm (tired) tired of the public scenes
I'm (tired) tired of the Baby Mamas (tired)
Tired of the ghetto drama (tired)
Tired of the back and forth (tired)
I'm (tired) tired of in and out the courts
I'm (tired) tired of all the games and lies
I'm (tired) tired of phony alibis
I'm (tired) tired of praying that it works
I'm (tired) even tired of going to church
I'm (tired) tired of paying these bills
I'm (tired) said I'm tired of keeping it real
I'm (tired) tired of crying (tired)
and I'm tired of smiling (tired)
I'm tired of the haters
I'm (tired) I'm tired of the players
I'm (tired) tired of the games
I'm so tired (tired)
Cause it's about to drive me insane (tired)
And Oh I'm so tired of taking it (tired)
Said yeah I'm so tired of faking it (tired)
Cause you don't do it for me no more (tired)
You just don't do it no more (tired)
I'm tired of being wronged and doing right
(tired)
Said I'm tired of keeping peace and tired of fighting (tired)
I'm tired of letting go, then holding on (tired)
I'm tired of feeling weak and being strong (tired)
So let me hear if you tired (tired)
Gotta make some noise if you tired (tired)
Oh throw them up if you tired (tired)
Now wave your hands if your tired

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Let it go!


How in the hell did she know? I mean how the hell did HE? I've lost a lot of things in my life.. and I can honestly say I don't know too many people who have SURVIVED the things that I have survived.. with the exception of his wife.. She doesn't know it but .. I look up to her for even waking up in the morning.. 


This song speaks so much to what has been in my heart for so many years and even recently..  I am TIRED.. really TIRED of  people expecting things of me that they aren't willing to do themselves.. For instance.. HAVING MY BACK.. I'm real sick and tired of being everyone's scape goat.. All I ever hear is "don't keep things bottled up Dionne.. it's gonna kill you".. But what they really mean is.. Don't keep what everyone ELSE does to you bottled up.. Just don't tell ME what I'm doing wrong.. Don't call me on MY shit.. cause that's just unacceptable.. So easy to point fingers in one direction and not realize that there are 3 more pointing right back at you... Now who gone check ME BOO? Most definitely NOT YOU.. 


I'm tired of people not standing by their word but wanting me to go above and beyond for mine.... are you serious? Are you HIGH? This is give and take.. a two way street..  


I'm tired of petty ass, nit picky people who want to point out my flaws and faults that THEY see in me.. Not realizing that they are more messed up than ME.. you don't always do things the right way.. far from perfect.. yet you have the gall to  come this way.. I heard a comedian say once that People don't appreciate shit cause they have never been through shit.. So until you walk a mile in my Wedge heels... Miss me with your salty ass sarcasm and criticism.. 


I'm really tired of people CLAIMING to have my back only to TURN their back on me to save FACE for people who only talk about them like a dayum dog.. But as SOON as something jumps off.. they come running back to me.. because I was the one that was down for them from the start.. That really urks the hell outta me.. I called myself the Come Back kid.. When people get tired of their flavor of the month.. or their charity cases... they come running back to me.. because they know I will be here the way they WANTED the others to be.. I can't even blame them though.. I've always given people so many chances.. and now.. I'm TIRED.. and THRU.. :) That's a Loss for you.. not me..  


My twin Tara and I had a conversation just before my wedding.. and she was really baffled at my logic.. I believed that everyone starts out with an A.. I was always told that in school.. Everyone comes into the new grade ( in the case the new friendships, relationships, jobs, families, etc.) with an A and you just have to maintain it.. But she was just the opposite of me.. she said people start out with an F and gradually work their way up to an A.. I have always been the one to give everyone a 2nd and 3rd chance in life.. and I try my hardest not to let PAST relationships, friendships, even family experiences contaminate my future relationships.. but now I understand why people are so freggin BITTER.. 


People really get tired of being strong for everyone else. They get tired of being the brunt of all the jokes and conversations.. *I* get tired of people PRETENDING.. and trying to * as they say* SPARE my feelings.. well to that I say.. FUCK YOU.. I am the strongest muthafucka you will ever MEET.. so don't spare me.. Spare YOURSELF.. You are obviously the one who can't handle the real deal... I have been through things in my life.. that I PRAY certain people will NEVER have to even dream about ... But I survived that shit.. ALONE most times..  So.. sparing me is .. just absurd.. just stupid.. 


I'm real tired of these people telling me who and WHAT I should believe in.. If YOU don't believe in this or that.. I don't come to you telling you that you are an idiot .. even though you really are the biggest one of all.. I let you find out for yourself.. I have the UTMOST respect for one of my childhood friends.. His name is Cameron.. He thinks a hell of a lot.. and he has his beliefs about certain things including religion but never ONCE has he called me out of my name for it.. WHY.. because he is a real fucking dude.. He can KNOW what he knows ALL by himself..and not give HALF a damn what anyone thinks about it.. or HIM for that matter..  


Omg... this song is on repeat.. because it says it all.. I finally got TIRED of pretending that everything was ok.. that I was strong as hell... I am strong.. but there are times when I needed to break.. needed to scream out.. BITCH FUCK YOU.. but I didn't because I truly don't like hurting people's feelings.. but sometimes.... Sometimes you have to get it out and give people the Bitness... And Kelly screaming her heart out like that.. was a release.. You have to have gone thru some reallllllll shit for it to come out that way..  and I know that feeling.. I'm watching a friend go through that very thing right now and it's killing me.. but that's her journey.. She has GOT to make it herself..  and when she gets TIRED.. she will scream the very same way.. and there will be a PEACE that she has never known....


I can finally cry tears of JOY and genuinely not give a damn.. I was hurt really really bad by something someone did to me.. pushed a dagger just 3 inches deeper in my back and that was IT.. That was exactly what I needed to be FREE of it all..  God .. peace is such a wonderful thing to have.. I'm enough.. Just ME... I feel so good these days that I really can't stand myself sometimes.. I can accept my faults and flaws... and have PEACE... WOW I feel like Shouting right now..  God, my husband and my family.. ( and that's not always BLOOD) I am in such a better place in my life.. I wish everyone could feel the way that I feel right now.. as I look at the new improved ME.. the slimmer me... I love me so much .. and I haven't done that in a LONG LONG TIME.. at least 20 years... and I feel like it's all been lifted off me.. I sleep better.. I feel better.. not perfect but better.. I can see the beauty in ME, and my children and my relationship and my family.. like never before.. 


I pray so much for those who have really taken me down through there.. I mean ya'll really let me have it.. and believe it or not.. I THANK YOU for it.. I thank you for opening my eyes to the realness... of who you are, who I am to you.. and now I have the strength to hand it all Back to you...  It doesn't belong to me... That's your baggage.. That's your insecurities.. that's your weakness.. All these years I have been MAKING myself be strong to take the blows of these crazy people.. but never had the strength to LOVE ME for who I am...  I had to find it.. and it took a long time... I think my daddy left here for both of us.. For HIS peace and MINE.. Love you Daddy...


I'm sure alot of you aren't going to understand this.. and some of you are trying to read this really really slow to see if I'm talking about you..  Don't stress yourself.. it's not that serious to you anyway.. I just pray that one day you find the peace that I finally have.... I'm finally strong enough to say it's ok to be WEAK... what a beautiful feeling... 


Thanks for reading all of this.. you didn't have too... but I'm glad you did... 




Btw, there is a tracker on this thing.. I didn't put it there.. but .. I know who is looking and when.. just thought you should know that before the phone calls start.. :) 


( MF101, 2011)




Signed .....

Dionne *OFFICIALLY THE MRS.* Grubbs 

xoxoxox

Through the Storm...

First ... and FOREMOST... let me say.. THANK YOU GOD for keeping my family and friends & even my enemies safe.. I can not EXPLAIN how wonderful it is to say that.. 

This has been One CRAZYYY first wedding week..  With all the drama that happened before the wedding, during and after.. here come about 160 tornados through the South.. These storms brought about a lot of great things .. I think.. 


When the sirens first went off.. I really didn't expect it to be as bad as it was.. These were the same storms coming out of Memphis where all of my friends were ok.. I'm fully expecting them to die down and be just a lot of wind.. Who would have thought that it would knock out power for an entire county.  The first night.. we took shelter at my children's grandmother's house.. Mrs. B is the Truth.. Meatloaf, fried corn, greens.. the WORKS!.. Her Leftovers are better than most people's freshly prepared meals.  Anyway, we all ended up at her house for the night.. ( weird huh, starting off my marriage at my baby daddy's mom's house.. where they do THAT at?) He wasn't there so it was cool.. My son was however and that was very special to me.. because no knowing where he was with all the turmoil that has happened in the past would have driven me crazy..  Anyway, that night.. They got my Hubby DRUNK as HELL.. it was funny.. and it made the time go by.. I slept for about 13 hours.. Can't remember the last time I did that and I wasn't medicated.. I don't sleep... 


The next day we found his mom and we all went there where we had the BEST time.. Food wasn't exactly avaliable.. there was no gas, no ice really.. it was a hard time.. but we went in our freezers and pulled out just about everything... and bbq'ed every bit of it.. Biscuits, chicken , queso dip... you name it .. we bbq'ed it.. We had no choice.  Generators were no where to be found and when they did get them.. a $59 generator.. cost up to $1300.00.. REALLY?  We ended up going to Tn. to get gas.. If wasn't a LONG LONG ride.. but it gave us a chance to see some of the devastation in Anderson Hills.. I cried at the thought of the families that were affected.. The fence was gone... because there was a brand new cadillac in it.. Our family friends house was destroyed from the inside out.. Roof was blown about 4 miles away.. so they think.. When we got in touch with her .. she was gathering medications and what she could find to wear..  I simply couldn't imagine losing EVERYTHING.. pictures,  notes my children wrote me over the years.. I could really care less about the pc and the tvs.. I had MY FAMILY.. and they were safe.. 


When we got to Tn.. I was reminded that no matter WHAT happens .. we are still BLACK and In the SOUTH.  While paying $20.00 for 5 gallons of gas.. a biker with a rebel flag on his helmet made an announcement that this was still THEIR land... White was still RIGHT.. That pissed me off to NO END.. because we are all here suffering through this devastation and he is still talking about freggin RACE.. Those damn tornados didn't give a damn what color you were.. it took out anything in it's path.. The messed up part was.. I would have Helped HIM.. but he would have turned his back on me.. even through THIS.. WOW... some people will just NEVER get it.. Who CARES DUDE? 


Anyway, I honestly could have dealt with a few more days of the power out.. I don't remember ever seeing so many kids on bikes... playing Kick ball in the street... hopscotch.. reading.. MY SON wanted a book to read.. Technology has really taken away their childhood.. and we as parents are so busy trying to make them HAPPY that we ourselves forget what it was like to play hide and go seek... or to go up to the school and teach the kids how to play baseball.. The kids weren't so Stressed about how they Looked or what clothes they had on.. They were just HAPPY to be outside. My daughter, 14, asked for a bike for Christmas.. REALLY? She may not say that around Christmas time.. but she is still getting one.. 


We really enjoyed ourselves... NO gas, cold showers, bbq'ed chicken in Fish grease.. hot beers... it was really good.. It gave my kids a new outlook on life.. and insight on what it is like to be Homeless.. They were raised to always help others and it did my heart good to see them help me pack up food for the Huntsville Utility guys down the street and feed them.. They looked sooo hungry and hot.. it's amazing what a cold bottle of water, light bread and a few pieces of chicken will do for a person.. 


As for My hubby and I.. we really had a chance to get close to each other in a different way.. We aren't exactly SMALL people.. but to sleep on a FULL bed.. for 5 days.. you learn alot about each other. *hehehe* that's all I'm gonna say about that.. But hell we ARE newlyweds.. That's all I'm saying.. Gotta learn how to keep it quiet.. *_*...  I really hated that he had to go back to work today.. I was really enjoying sitting under the tree laying across his lap... or feeding him.. I think we may cut off the power EVERY SUNDAY just to have Family time... no phones, no tvs.. nothing.. We had the BEST time.. taking all the kids down town to the park and feeding the fish..My son really enjoyed it because he couldn't remember the last time he had done that WITH us.. He had gotten TOO old to do certain things.. but it opened all of our eyes to how much we really Love BEING around each other.. Just don't play cards with him or Cookie.. because they were taught by some true OLD SCHOOL card players... Spades in this house.. is a real Deal... hahaha


I hate HATE that people have lost family members, their houses, possessions, food... etc.. That simply breaks my heart.. But I LOVE the fact that SO MANY people Black, white whatever, pulled together to help those in need... My cousin and I gave blood I think Friday .. ( days kinda ran together).. and we are going to Anderson Hills and Harvest this week.. It's time that we all really GET OVER OURSELVES and just be thankful for what we HAVE and who we have.. and help those that are less fortunate.. 

If you have ever attended or visited HOPEWELL MISSIONARY BAPTIST CHURCH in the 90's and hear DONNA HIGH sing this song.. You KNOW WHY .. I'm posting this... 

Wedding Blog No.1 : Friends.. wow!

 

If there is ONE thing that I have learned through this wedding is that you find out who your REAL friends are.. Some people stopped speaking to me which makes me wonder...why the hell were you even there.. smh.. etc etc etc... It's all good though because this same thing happened when I went to school.. People thought because I was doing something FOR MYSELF that it meant I was trying to out do them or rub something in their face..If you knew me at ALL.. you would know trying to out do people has NEVER been my thing.. but  I guess that's how you separate the real from the fake.. I'm not mad at all .. cause I learned a LESSON.. 

But the one thing that I will NOT be as kind about is ... my dress. I have forgiven this PERSON.. and you all know who she is.. However.. I will never DEAL with this chic again. As of Friday morning.. None of my dresses, bridesmaid or MY WEDDING dress were finished..  If you claim to be a seamstress and already have a few lines of clothing.. You need to be a professional and know how to deal with pressure. Now, I'm NOT a seamstress at all.. but I even know that a wedding dress should NEVER be put over a bride's head.. but according to HER she knows what she was doing.. Yea RIGHT... 

This is what I need to work on For ME... Trusting People to do what they SAY they are going to do.. People get on to me all the time about not LETTING people do things for me.. But this is exactly why I am the way I am because they always end up BAD!.... I model for this chic for FREE.. Promoted this chic FOR FREE.. some of you wanted to buy the romper suit that I wore in the last fashion show.. I hyped up her name.. and THOUGHT I was doing someone a favor... I would have even wore MY dress (that I created) again in her shows.. But OOOOOHHH NO.. this heffa wanted to get stupid...  

In business, the customer is always right.. no matter WHAT! No excuse will make up for the service you are suppose to provide. I don't care about a sewing machine breaking.. Not my problem, I don't care about your eyes *supposedly* going bad.. (who dilates their eyes the Friday before a wedding and you haven't finished any of the dresses..) I don't care if ya man broke up with you, nothing about your HAIR.. none of that... Means NOTHING to the customer expecting the services.. Be a PROFESSIONAL... And KNOW when you CAN'T HANDLE IT!.. 

Now, I am the most Understanding person in the world.. UNTIL you piss me off. If I cry, it's best that you run. Again.. this is not some * FB pump myself up to be a gangsta type ish* this is the real deal... and my family..even my children.. had never seen me like that before.. When I tell you to leave me alone and let me cool off.. that's what I MEAN... do NOT.. come in my face ... that will get you ADMITTED... to Crestwood.. 

So, here I am Friday early afternoon .. after me and the girls have listened to a million excuses for WEEKS.. she has promised my sister that the dresses would be finished by Friday morning.. (this was Thursday night) and she came back with the same shit she left with... I have reached my limit.. My friends are trying to scrape together money to BUY me a dress the DAY before my wedding... because NOTHING IS FINISHED.. I go outside to calm myself down.. because I know ME..  And this Muthafucka is trying to sneak these UNFINISHED dresses OUT the front door FRIDAY AFTERNOON.. trying to take them back to B HAM to go to work ( which is an hour away)... and try to bring it back that same night at 1030 -1100.. that night.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME... and you have had 3 months to finish this job? 

So my sister ,who is also named DIONNE,... catches her.. I hear yelling and run BACK in the house and they are playing tug of war with my wedding dress... So when she sees me come around the corner.. she starts yelling I'm leaving.. OK FINE.. but not with those dayum DRESSES.. You are REALLY off your dayum rocker.. So, we call in a seamstress that she told me TAUGHT her how to sew( Found out that was a LIE TOO) to come fix the dresses.. SHE got mad..  My sister tells her to go outside and leave me alone before I snapped because apparently my eyes changed colors and I didn't appear to be myself... (go figure)

This broad goes outside to wait on the REAL seamstress then comes BACK in the house talking about she needed to get her stuff talking shit to me.... *BLACK OUT*... 

The first warning shot was me hitting my closet door and breaking it... That should have told you... LEAVE ME ALONE... But she kept talking shit... So...I charged her ass... Out of NOWHERE.. my Daughter Kasey and my cousin Pudden and her mama... grab me..  They tell her to take her ass outside.. but she keeps talking shit.. I walked away ... until she said.. It was my fault... she didn't do NOTHING.. (REALLLLLLLLLY BITCH).. I don't quite remember what I said after that but I saw a vacuum cleaner.. and threw that with one hand and the next was a chair...  How many times does someone have to say.. WALK AWAY before you get the picture...???

What snapped me out of it.. was my daughter crying... One because she was scared as hell.. and two because in the process of trying to kill this muthafucka in my house.. she got hit in the face... You know that broke my heart knowing that I hurt my BABY... because of this dumb ass... 

I was mad at myself for going back to the person that I use to be so many years ago.. not giving a damn about jail or anything else.. but this was my wedding dress that was the next day...  I lost it... 

The new seamstress fixed the problems.. for the most part but  she was in between doing her own struggle.. This was the first anniversary of her sister's death, alumni weekend... It was a LOT of work to do in a very short time with SOOO much going on.. .. 

It's over now and I'm thankful that things worked out the way that they did.. but I know NOW.. that my BFF was right.. Don't Trust ANYBODY... That's a shame that it has to be that way.. but one bad apple can truly spoil the bunch... I am so thankful for the TEAM of soldiers that had my back this weekend.. From my Mamas on down... to my 3 old niece..   This was truly the wedding from HELL... hahahaa.. It's funny NOW.. but please believe.. I will NEVER do it again... 

Special SPECIAL thanks to my Twin LATARA BOSTON BRUNSON .. I would have Literally been hospitalized without that chic on my team...  Birthday celebrations should be starting soon... 

This day really SUCKS MONKEY BALLS! Ijs

At 8:03 tonight.. my father will have been gone for 5 months. I think this is why I've been so emotional the past few days because I hate reliving the memory of him saying goodbye..My big strong daddy had now become childlike... I hate thinking that there was nothing I could do to help him.. I couldn't make it better no matter how hard I tried.. I know I'm not God.. but .. I couldn't stop it. I know that he is always around me moving stuff and catching me before I fall... but I just wish I could PHYSICALLY have him here.. Just for a day.. More than anything.. I miss his jokes.. When bill collectors would call.. he would say.. tell them I moved to BUBBAFUC,EYGPT. And for the LONGEST.. my dumb butt would wonder if there actually was a BUBBAFUC, Egypt.. Oh, and one of his FAVORITE terms EVER... CLUSTERFUCK... I had to marry a military man to find out what that one meant.. My brother and I had a FEW names growing up... Daddy was like Bill Cosby in a since.. because we heard GOT DAMMIT... and IBeDAMN alot.. we just answered to both.. He would just say the stupidiest things that would have you in the floor... 

My daddy was the strongest man I knew.. I mean STRONGGGGG... who else could have a blood pressure with only ONE freggin number.. and still be talking to you. When they turned those machines off.. We were expecting that to be the end.. But we all FORGOT who we were dealing with.. Don Juan was a different breed.. He's been literally BLOWN UP.. over 40 surgeries.. lost both legs but (for lack of a better term) he was still kicking ass and taking names.. 


It's really hard to believe I've survived 5 months without him.. I never thought I would last 2 weeks. They say it gets easier as time goes on.. but I wish it would hurry the hell up.. because some days are just unbearable.. I don't want to think about him laying in that coffin .. I don't want to remember the last moments.. I don't want to think about all of the pills and shots and the cutting and all of that.. I just want my daddy back... and nothing will ever fix that.. I truly lost my best friend in the entire world... I could talk to him about anything... and I know he would give me the truth and not what I wanted to hear... 


Why can't he be here for my day.. I don't care if he was in a wheel chair... I just want him HERE.. urgh.. this feeling sucks so bad... it kinda feels like I haven't eaten in years.. mixed with nausea and being hit by a 18 wheeler all in ONE spot..my heart.. 


I'm gonna try to keep myself as busy as possible today... mani-pedi with my Twin, my sister in law is coming.. gonna clean the house.. I may even try to cut my grass with the weedeater.. I don't know.. but I just gotta stay busy so that I won't think about it.. So to my facebook friends.. I sincerely apologize if you get 200 post today... It's only because I don't know what to do with myself... but then again.. I haven't for a LONG LONG time now..


the only thing that soothes my soul... is some GOOD Music..

Sing with me daddy.... just one more time... 

THEWedding... For REAL? I thought it was OUR wedding..

Remember a few years back, there was this story in the news about the Missing Bride from Georgia.. and they later dubbed her the RUNAWAY BRIDE  cause she had had enough of other people's BS and she hit the ground running..... Yea.. I'm starting to see why she ran.. Some of these folks around us will drive JESUS  himself to say.. "WTF? ARE YOU SERIOUS?"  Jezzz..
One of my favorite people, my twin Lena, suggested to me that I should be bloggin my feelings during the last few days of my wedding.. I think it was a good idea too because I'm learning alot of lessons that I never want to forget about this time in my life. 


Just some thangs on my mind!


1. Everyone isn't going to be happy for you...


 I'm starting to see more and more people move away from me. Talking with other married couples and listening to some of their horror stories.. I'm almost glad. This is a very special time in my life that I wanted to share with friends and family.. but I'm starting to see that alot of them aren't really happy for me.. I hate to say this.. but I think a few are  in their feelings about it. I don't understand why.. because what will really change? Teddy and I have been together forever and a Day.. It's not like our TAX BRACKET changed... Dang.. Talking to one of the Mothers at my church .. she told me that this would be another time that I would see who was REALLY on my team.. and who is out for self. My mama says people have their own agendas too..  *kayne shrug*.. I don't know.. I just can't see myself NOT being happy for those that I love.. The tides did change.. Most ran from me .. instead of to me..  It was kinda hurtful but .. one of my "friends" must have not realized that their phone didn't hang up and I heard them talking to others telling them they will be glad when this wedding is over.. so I can stop talking about it..  I didn't confront her about it.. because I just didn't see the point.. So.. I just stirred clear of them.. I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't hurt.. cause it did.. LIKE HELL.. but I can't really say that I'm surprised either.. Oh well.. 


2. People will make your day THEIR DAY if you let them.. 


I can not tell you ... how irritating it is for someone to try to FORCE their views of YOUR day.. on you.. I'm very happy that you would want Begonias in your bouquet..HOWEVER.. don't like them, they stink and I'm not gonna use them.. just because you are too evil to keep a man and have your own wedding bouquet. I know that sounds Horrible of me to say.. But Shit, this is MY day.. I have been taking care of .. and catering to other people ALL MY LIFE.. And most of these people are the ones who are constantly telling me to LIVE my life for ME.. Really? Is that Before or AFTER I do what YOU want me to do? I know most people mean well.. but what they don't realize is.. their opinions don't matter to me right now.. I don't care if you would just go to the courthouse and get married.. That's YOU.. *I* on the other hand want a nice, simple, romantic wedding where, just for once, I am the fucking focus for the day.. Sorry, your marriage didn't work out.. HOWEVER.. my man and your man are two totally different men. Please don't tell me how to keep mine when you don't even have YOURS... Ijs..  which brings me to 


Lesson 3: Take advice with a grain of salt.. 


I am very happy for any couple.. married or not.. However, what works for YOU.. isn't gonna work for US. Why? Because we are different people. We have been together longer than most of the people trying to give us advice have even KNOWN each other. We have our own system of working things out. And if it doesn't work.. we try something else.. There is no manual that says, Dionne and Teddy should follow in the footsteps of XX and YY because .. the parts that they tell us.. might not be the WHOLE damn truth. My mama says that you should watch who you get advice from and watch who prays for you.. because you don't know what part they played in the foolishness that brought on this ADVICE.. nor do you know what they are praying FOR and to who... I can not seem to understand why we seem to have become this NEEDY couple who just can't live without the suggestions and advice of those around us.. even people who don't even KNOW us..  Why are we so important NOW.. just being a couple wasn't enough.. or was it that we were living in *SIN* then so you didn't want to be a part of it..  Marriage doesn't mean that you will no longer live in sin.. it means you aren't living in sin in the eyes of OTHERS..  By that I mean, regardless of whether we are married or not.. we are still sinners.. so please... Get over yourself.. and while you are at it.. check that lipstick on ya hubby's collar.. then check and see if it MATCHES someone you KNOW? *_* ( I told ya'll what that face means)... yea I said it... 


4. FIND your PEACE..even if it comes from a PIECE of steel..


Lately, He has had more of this than me.. but .. there is SOOO much drama surrounding him.. Crazy ass friends, stupid ex wife...  people wanting to use our day to CREEP.. Let me tell ya something.. The FIRST muthaf**ka that brings me some drama on my wedding day.. will be beat TO SLEEP.. when you wake UP.. whatever it was.. won't matter anymore. I don't understand why people are using OUR day.. OUR TIME.. as a game. Folks play too much. This is my WORD, if NOONE shows up to my wedding but ME and TEDDY.. I won't be mad ... at ALL.. because on April 23, 2011 at 1:30 p.m. at the Fellowship of Faith in that good sanctuary of ours.. NOONE MATTERS.. But US!.. NOONE.. I love my family, I love my friends.. I even love my ASSISTANTS aka.. haters.. But one THAT DAY.. I won't see or hear or care about anything or anyone.. but HE & I.  If that offends anyone.. It's best that you know NOW.. so we won't have a problem THEN! If that causes you NOT to want to come... OH WELL.... TACO BELL! I don't care.. and HE could care LESS than that.. We will have PEACE.. with or without people around. That's the way IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE!


5: It's OUR LOVE.. OUR WAY.. 


PERIOD.... If you don't like the theme of the wedding, the colors of the wedding, the invitations, the members of the bridal party.. if you think you should have been a PART of the bridal party.. If you don't like half the people that are coming.. If you are mad because you weren't invited.. ( by the way.. if I didn't PERSONALLY invite you.. don't show up at my wedding.. cause I'm telling you.. IT WILL GO DOWN up in the Fellowship... My wedding party will give you the BIZNESS) just know that we ... collectively as a couple.. are sorry for any inconvenience you may be experiencing at this time... HOWEVER... if you didn't PAY.. you don't get a SAY.. feel me? And even if you DID.. It's still OUR WAY! Take it or Leave it..




I know some of this.. well all of this may seem a lil mean to some.. or hateful to some.. but you know .. I'm really getting tired of hearing about what everyone else thinks, feels or desires for OUR DAY... because the bottomline of it all.. Starting April 24th... those same people won't give a dayum about what happens next... Teddy and I will be left to deal with each other as we always have for the past 10 years.. and nothing and noone can change that but US.. 


I know this seems like I'm really unhappy right now.. but I'm not.. Not everyone or everything has gone wrong.. I have some wonderful people who have just simply BLOWN me away with their genuine kindness, love, and support.. And for that.. I am eternally grateful... and there will never be ANYTHING that you couldn't ask of us that we wouldn't gladly do for you.. 


All I've ever wanted was for people to be as Happy FOR us as we are together.. Just to stop focusing on their feelings, wants and needs and think about us for ONCE.. Whether it happens that way or not.. one thing will never change.. I'm marrying my baby... the love of my life... my friend, my backbone, and yes even my HEADACHE.. and I couldn't be happier about it.. If that's not enough for everyone else.. all I can say is ..Sorry For ya.. Cya Bye.. *kayne shrug*