This day really SUCKS MONKEY BALLS! Ijs

At 8:03 tonight.. my father will have been gone for 5 months. I think this is why I've been so emotional the past few days because I hate reliving the memory of him saying goodbye..My big strong daddy had now become childlike... I hate thinking that there was nothing I could do to help him.. I couldn't make it better no matter how hard I tried.. I know I'm not God.. but .. I couldn't stop it. I know that he is always around me moving stuff and catching me before I fall... but I just wish I could PHYSICALLY have him here.. Just for a day.. More than anything.. I miss his jokes.. When bill collectors would call.. he would say.. tell them I moved to BUBBAFUC,EYGPT. And for the LONGEST.. my dumb butt would wonder if there actually was a BUBBAFUC, Egypt.. Oh, and one of his FAVORITE terms EVER... CLUSTERFUCK... I had to marry a military man to find out what that one meant.. My brother and I had a FEW names growing up... Daddy was like Bill Cosby in a since.. because we heard GOT DAMMIT... and IBeDAMN alot.. we just answered to both.. He would just say the stupidiest things that would have you in the floor... 

My daddy was the strongest man I knew.. I mean STRONGGGGG... who else could have a blood pressure with only ONE freggin number.. and still be talking to you. When they turned those machines off.. We were expecting that to be the end.. But we all FORGOT who we were dealing with.. Don Juan was a different breed.. He's been literally BLOWN UP.. over 40 surgeries.. lost both legs but (for lack of a better term) he was still kicking ass and taking names.. 


It's really hard to believe I've survived 5 months without him.. I never thought I would last 2 weeks. They say it gets easier as time goes on.. but I wish it would hurry the hell up.. because some days are just unbearable.. I don't want to think about him laying in that coffin .. I don't want to remember the last moments.. I don't want to think about all of the pills and shots and the cutting and all of that.. I just want my daddy back... and nothing will ever fix that.. I truly lost my best friend in the entire world... I could talk to him about anything... and I know he would give me the truth and not what I wanted to hear... 


Why can't he be here for my day.. I don't care if he was in a wheel chair... I just want him HERE.. urgh.. this feeling sucks so bad... it kinda feels like I haven't eaten in years.. mixed with nausea and being hit by a 18 wheeler all in ONE spot..my heart.. 


I'm gonna try to keep myself as busy as possible today... mani-pedi with my Twin, my sister in law is coming.. gonna clean the house.. I may even try to cut my grass with the weedeater.. I don't know.. but I just gotta stay busy so that I won't think about it.. So to my facebook friends.. I sincerely apologize if you get 200 post today... It's only because I don't know what to do with myself... but then again.. I haven't for a LONG LONG time now..


the only thing that soothes my soul... is some GOOD Music..

Sing with me daddy.... just one more time...