This journey in modeling has taken me to some amazing places, I've walked in celebrity shows, fashion weeks,walked for the Plus Designer of the Year, produced my first show of my own, I have my own DAY in my city and had several models published and paid. It's been a really wild ride. I have learned alot about people.. but I'm still learning about the people in my life, more over the ones who share my DNA. I know people think that because I have an empowerment group that I don't have bad days or bad things happen to me or people mistreat me.. WRONG!!! That has been a Life's issue. Funny thing is.. the other night, the one thing that has hung over my head like a dark cloud is the relationship or the lack of with certain family members.
For the most part, I don't really speak with those that are kin to me because there just isn't a point really anymore. They will always see me as the black sheep that won't comply with their line of bat guano and I will always think they are full of it. * it is what it is. * I've become accustomed to the silence, especially since I won't deal with my parental unit. I really really get tired of people pretending like they don't know what that woman put me through in my life, that they aren't privy to the foolishness that happens when I use to try to be the BIGGER person and give in to their foolishness just to say I have a relationship with them. Everytime I do, the same thing happens.. She does something outrageous and I'm suppose to say "Oh it's ok for you to call me out of my name, or lie about me to people, sure.. I'll accept that because you are my " BIRTH" mother." .. Chile bye.. I am almost 40 years old.. trip off a bridge. I don't subscribe to that bull anymore.. I live for my own happiness..
Once you stop giving in to the demands and manipulation of others, you begin to truly enjoy your life. Validation of my feelings was always my argument with family members. I got tired of saying "You aren't listening to me" So I just quit talking..and learned to validate my OWN feelings.
Well, the other night, I ran into a friend of the family. We hadn't seen each other in at least 15 years. She asked me about my mother and I prepared myself for the usual, " but that's your mom" speech.. But I didn't get it.When I told her we don't have a relationship, she said, " I completely understand, she was a piece of work" ( that's the PG version) .. I was speechless. She said she had always prayed for my spirit because she knew what I was dealing with when it came to her. She would always hear ONE side from everyone else but they would Never say anything POSITIVE about me. I have to be honest, that one brought tears to my eyes because your family is suppose to be the ones who have your back before anyone else.. but.. I quickly dried those tears because I was use to it. That's a shame to even say.. smh..
Anyway, we talked some more about my family and how they don't really deal with me or my children and how I was always the problem child, the HELLION .. and her response to me was, " if that's the truth then look what you came from."... WOW! She said it's a wonder I hadn't killed myself. You have to know the lady I was talking to, she is a straight shooter. She told me some really really messed up things that happened in the streets where my parents were concerned.. and I, unfortunately, wasn't shocked..Same ish just a different butt hole. It was still extremely embarrassing to hear.. to even be kin to a person like this.. that I came from a person like this. It is a generational curse .. one I'm trying to break. It explains so much about the thoughts I've had and the things I've done in my past. I am a product of my DNA..
I don't want this to sound like I am just full of hate.. that's not the case.. I actually forgive every member of my family. Not because I'm weak but because holding on to it.. only hurts me.. They could care less. I couldn't continue to hold on to all that evil.. it truly does make you do, say and think strangely. So I turned it over and walked away. I became OK with having my husband and my children and my real friends as a part of my life. They are my family.. and they really support me and Love me.. It took a while and its still a long road to healing but I am alot further than I was before...
I guess this conversation was just validation for me. I wasn't crazy and making up stories like most people thought or were told. The truth is the truth.. It felt good for someone to say, I believe you.. and not only BELIEVE YOU but BELIEVE *IN* you.. As awesome as most people would think that would be to hear,, it gives me sooo much to think about.. Think of it like a broken leg. that was reset incorrectly.. it has to be broken again and rehab to get you back to normal.. So I guess that's what I'm dealing with now.. I'm in REHAB.. I'm sure it will pass soon enough but right now I just don't feel like being around alot of people and attitudes are definitely not a great thing.. Even with rehab people are prone to set backs. All of these people, who haven't treated me fairly are asking and expecting things from me that they aren't going to get ... You don't deserve it. And I'm really good with NO RESPONSE lately.. So until I feel like dealing with the * fakeness* I'm just here chillin .. thinking, healing and rehabbing..
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