.... .. Daddy.. is that You?

I'm not spellchecking or grammar proofing this one. It's just gonna come out...
 
I know people say there is no such thing as ghost.. and you are probably going to think that I'm crazy.. and that's fine... But I know what I saw and what my daughter saw.. And I'm not writing this for anyone else except me or my children if they one day want to read my blogs.  But my father is visiting my family members. I think I was first.. or at least the first to say anything.. But I was sitting here at my computer one night.. and I heard Jazz music coming through my speakers.. I didn't have music playing at all so I was confused. I was the only one in the room and it hadn't been more than a month or so since my dad passed. So, truly.. I thought *I* was going crazy.  I turned my speakers off.. But I could still hear it.  So I called my fiance' in the room to see if HE heard it..  because it was very Faint.. While we were both sitting there like some dummies with our head on the speakers.. the sound became louder.. It was coming through the tv.

Now, for those of you that know where I live.. I am close to the radio station. I'm not crazy and I know a lil about frequencies and all that.. So I'm thinking because I live so close to the station.. that my speakers were just catching some of those sound waves or whatever.. Some people get the radio through their phones if they live close to the stations..you have to get special equipment to stop it... I'm not a ditz when it comes to things like that..   The reason why we were tripping is because you could hear *HIS* music playing.. 

Now, I watch enough documentaries and ghost shows to know that you have to look at all options to debunk these types of things.. so I turned on the radio to see what WJAB was playing.. It wasn't the same song that was coming out of the speakers.. *_*...so where was it coming from?

I have always been sensitive to more things than most.. Since I was pregnant with my last daughter.. things have really been ACTIVE around me.My grandfather came to me OFTEN..  But, not JUST me.. other's have experienced things as well. I don't like my children's father at the moment..  and the feeling is probably mutual.. but even he will tell you that there was someone in my apartment back in Atlanta. He's 6'6.. 200+ but he refused to go upstairs to the bathroom because of who was up there. .. ijs..

Anyway, about a week ago.. My baby cousin had the same experience with the speakers.. So much so that she called and woke up everyone she could think of to tell them.. It really scared her.. My aunt has had it happen too.. So, we just chalked it up to Daddy is just letting us know he is there.. It was kinda cool..

But yesterday... I have never seen anything like it.

The first experience .. I had bought my baby girl balloons for her birthday a few weeks ago.. So only one was left.. I had been in the bed all day because I was at the hospital all night with my baby cousin.. When I finally got up, I walked out of my bedroom and that balloon was in the hallway between my door and hers.  I thought nothing of it.. went to the bathroom and went back in my room..  Well a lil while later, I came out and the balloon was further up the hallway almost into the foyer.. I walked passed the balloon again.. but this time.. it moved with me.. It was at waist level.. I noticed that with every step I took it moved with me..  until I walked through the foyer. When I stepped into my great room... and stopped.. It STOPPED...

Debunk:

When I walked.. the air moved the balloon.. when I stopped .. the air stopped so the balloon stopped.. Only problem was.. it didn't move when I opened the door from my bedroom or closed the door to the bathroom.. That was more air than me just walking out the door..

Debunk : Maybe it's static electricity.. that could happen.. I know that the balloon is deflating because it was floating at waist level. No big deal..

Well I grabbed the balloon and squeezed both sides so that the helium would be distributed evenly.. It instantly rose to the ceiling. It gave me a weird feeling.. so I took the string and pulled the balloon into the middle of the room.. close to my back doors. I went on into the kitchen.. when I came back out.. it was on the other side of the couch...  There is No air on in the house but hey balloons float.. It was weird.. but hey.. strange things happened around me .. so .. *kayne shrug* It just kind of traveled over toward the entrance to the kitchen.. The string got caught in this big tree's branches that my dad had in his house.. He was CRAZY about plants.. That man could bring anything green back to life. He didn't have a green thumb.. He had a green hand..

I didn't pay any attention to the balloon after that.. because I got busy doing the girls hair for school.. I usually set up shop on the left side of my table in the great room.. My dad's plants are in the corner on the right of the table.. Well after perming , washing and conditioning Kasey's hair.. I turned to plug up my blow dryer.. When I raised back up.. the balloon was detached from the tree.. I told my daughter to look.. The balloon then traveled the length of the table ... We are watching it move like *WTF*.. and I said it's coming to you.. She HATES anything spiritual or paranormal ... so she turned to me and put her head in my chest screaming "MAMA MAKE IT STOP MAMA PLEASE MAKE IT STOP"... the string of the balloon came to rest on her leg.. I was rocking her and holding her.. telling her it was ok.. and to calm down.. but she just held on to me for dear life screaming and crying..  I looked up again.. and the balloon rose *on it's own* over the table and went back into the tree...  Now.. the moving around the table part didn't really bother me... because balloons Float..  but to turn and come straight to us.. and then RISE on it's own and go BACK to where it came from..
 ....... Messed me up... 

Like I said.. I have come to accept most things that happen around me.. but that ... I just can't explain.. but today.. marks 4 months that my father has been gone.. And if I didn't have WITNESSES to it.. I would look at me crazy too.. But Kasey saw it come to her.. When she started crying.. Teddy came in to see what was wrong and watched it fly back into the tree...

I called my aunt who giggled a lil because it's just weird that he is coming to ALL of us... She talked to Kase and told her that it was ok.. Everything would be ok.. She calmed down a lil.. but she was still a lil on edge because of her OWN personal experiences.. He plays with She and my son.. he moves his necklaces that they wear.. They usually put them under their pillows at night.. and sometimes when they wake up.. they aren't there.. they are placed on the dresser.. She would always ask why everyone else had experienced stuff and she hadn't... *careful what you wish for*....

I know that ghost exist.. People have their beliefs and say these things are of the devil whatever.. But I know what I saw.. what WE saw.. I don't believe it was anything harmful... I think it was my father.. My family is healing itself.. and that was the one thing.. that he wanted the most before he died.. and now it is happening.. Maybe he is trying to tell us something.. Maybe this was the last thing he needed to finish before completely going home... I don't know.. and I even though I am use to things.. I don't know that I want him to TELL me what it is.. No writing on walls and stuff.. 

My God Sent mother.. told me to be frightened by it but to talk to him.. Let him know I love him.. and I know that he knows that.. He has too..  But ... I don't know how to really process this.. I don't know how to make it.. clear in my mind... I know what I KNOW, I know what I was taught.. and I know what most THINK... and somewhere in the middle I have to come to terms with the fact that these things are happening...


But how?

Maybe he is trying to tell me I need to go see him....

Truth be told... I'm scared as shit.. to see that grave.. in person..

It will become TOO REAL then...

I don't wanna go yet

PSA: DON'T A.S.S.U.M.E ~ U know me.. but you don't KNOW me.. k?

 "A.S.S.U.M.E When you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and not ME"

So, everyone connected to me should know a lil bit about me by now.. understands that I'm gonna give it to you 100 period.. it could hurt me.. it could hurt you.. of course that is never my intention unless specified..:) With that being said.. I have been in the virtual world long enough to understand that if you post anything on any social network it is up scrutiny. Depending on how the reader is feeling that day, feeling about you, or whatever... what you write can be taken out of context.. and you have to be prepared for it.. good and bad..

I learned that the hard way with someone I THOUGHT was a friend reposting a private im conversation about me being attacked on a website just so that they could prove some crazy point. That was a really big lesson for me and I learned from it..

With that being said.. I'm not suprised at all with the comments and messages I've been getting lately.. but I have to say today.. was comical..  So..  because I say GOD FORGIVE ME.. a few people felt that they were close enough to me.. to send me messages like..  what you do? ... or to send me their OPINION about what they THOUGHT I did..

*_*...  Ok.. first.. I said GOD forgive me.. Not FB... If I am saying ALOUD that I have done things in my lifetime that I need to be forgiven for.. what in that says that I am obligated to tell YOU.. Like IMMEDIATELY I got.. Whatchu doing ? What you DO?  *_*

NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS MUTHAFUCA...

It's kinda like how people post a stat that says.. "You get on my dayum nerves".. People *INSTANTLY* ASSUME that it is directed toward them. If your name wasn't called.. why are you getting upset? Maybe it's because you have a done something or said something that you thought you got away with.. I don't know.. But as my boy Brod says.. until your name is called.. STFU..

Back to my statement.. I called a name.. Definitely.. and I don't think ANYONE on my list is named GOD.. therefore.. you shouldn't feel OBLIGATED to know what I am asking for forgiveness FOR? Only One person (Jt) was bold enough to ask me openly.. but here's the difference with him and the others.. I talk to Jt all the time. We are friends beyond facebook.. So he like another friend since high school have more access to my personal life.. my friends, my family, my kids.. if you don't know what my middle name is.. or even CLOSE to how to say it.. or if you weren't there with me.. when things got really hard.. Stop bogartin'.. keep it movin...

Now, the next thing that I need to address so that we are CLEAR.. My blog about the person that makes my life worth living.. my BFF Carlos.. was not a confession. *pure Comedy* He is not my *OTHER* man.. he is my BFF.. Truth be told he was here long before MY SOON TO BE HUSBAND*.. and they are great friends. There is no hidden adgenda between us.. there is nothing going on between us.. A Man and a WOman can be friends without there being some SIDEWAYS shit going on.. Stop WISHING for drama.. if that's what you are in my space for... Keep it moving.. but GROW THE HELL UP while you at it..

This seems to be a growing problem with the social networking sites.. People *always* want to  HOPE for the worst.. and it's the craziest thing EVER.. How about wish for the good stuff.. and if it turns out to be bad.. be SUPPORTIVE..
                              HURT PEOPLE *HURT* PEOPLE..
If you have nothing but hateraid, jealously, envy and foolishness running through your DNA.. do EVERYONE a favor and just go away. Why are you even SOCIAL? Like, know your own self.. I know when I am feeling evil.. it's best that I just get away from people.. Maybe that's what you should do.. cause someone may not be AS nice as I was ... You might get a knock on ya door..

Bottomline.. get to KNOW yourself.. and know what your role in a person's life is.. Don't overstep.. Stay in ya Lane.. I don't even know what else to say but.. stop thinking you are ALLOWED to know every detail of a person's life just because you are on their friends' list.. Truth be told.. you are only there because they were friends with someone they BARELY knew and yo ass snuck in the back door.. So don't get it in your head that you are OWED anything because you are FACEBOOK FRIENDS...

Don't say I didn't warn ya, playa..

Day 11: Follow me ...

hmmm.. the thing I get complimented on the most lately... is my walk.


I don't exactly know what to say about it.. But.. I have a good one obviously.. because I have been selected to walk in several fashion shows over the past year. THEFashion Show was the first time I had really *WALKED* in well over a decade. Stephaine Love is who I thank for that. Because of the opportunity she gave me to walk in THEFashion .. I was later selected to audition for the ROCK THE RUNWAY Fashion show for Radar Magazine.   I was soo nervous because, just like with THEFashion Show, there were so many super thin, super YOUNG, beautiful girls trying out.. They could walk in these ridiculously high heels.. and wear just about anything you put on them.. And here I am.. short cut, thick waistline, bad knees.. hahaaa..

but hell.. I was there so .. no turning back now right..

I walk in.. and there is Steph with that.. * Get em Girl* look on her face.. They put on some music with this lil Ipod thingy.. and Usher's OMG came on... I just gave it to em.. if they liked it .. they liked it.. if not.. at least I tried right...  Well little did I know that I was being judged by one of the hottest new designers out ... J.Bolin.. I did my walk and waited for THE CALL.  The day that we were suppose to get them.. I didn't get one.. I was disappointed because I thought I did pretty good.. but I was thinking that my weight and over all LOOK ...knocked me out of the running... It was cool.. I was happy for any of the girls who would receive calls..  I ain't no hater..

But the next morning.. my phone rang.. I said hello... and the person on the other end started talking.. about the show.. I thought they were calling to tell me thanks but no thanks.. Instead.. they told me that they were following my stat on FB where I said I didn't get the call..and I was a lil sad..  Mr. J asked me how I thought I did.. and I said I thought I did well.. and he said... we did TOO.. that's  why you are in the show... I really tried to keep my cool.. but I think I lost some points... In the parking lot of the drug store in front of the police.. on the phone... driving... jumping up and down in my seat... Lucky that I didn't get a ticket.. *doing WAY too Much*

Well.. when we had the fitting.. I went out in the hall to walk again for some designers.. but unfortunately.. I was bigger than most of the girls so there wasn't alot of things for me to wear.. I only had 2 outfits but.. *F.. It.. I was gonna still WORK *

We get to the show and there is J.Bolin.. He was such a nice guy.. But he walked up to me and said.. " I know you ... you got a BAD walk.. why didn't I see you last night for a fitting.. you don't wanna wear my clothes?" He was joking but totally serious and I think that was the BEST compliment I had received in my life.. This man has designed clothes for grammy award winning artist, models, you name it..  and here he was standing next to me.. asking me to wear one of his designs.. *FLOORED*.. He is the nicest guy.. and everyone in his camp is.. just down to Earth good people.. so it meant alot to me for him to say that..

A few minutes later.. his assistant said.. J would like to see you in the back.. I think I beat HER back there.. We talked about me being a plus size model and there not being anything really for me to wear.. and he stopped me and said.. You have a bad walk.. it doesn't matter WHAT size you are.. but please do not refer to yourself as PLUS SIZE anymore .. You are SIZE SEXY... hear me?... :)

yep.. Loud and clear...



His compliment.. made a world of difference to me.. He probably doesn't even remember me at all but I will never forget HIM..

Thanks J. Bolin..

Walkin my WALK.... :)

Day 10: you ARE the weakest link... GOODBYE

Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.



I can't say that there is someone in my life that I need to let go of because everyone is pretty much gone.. But after being on my homie OhMG's page today, something he said reminded me of how THANKFUL I am for the DELETE button on FB.

There was this chic from Tenn.. Boy, was she stuck on herself. Everything out her mouth was.. I'm the Baddest chic ever to walk the Earth..  Men ain't ish.. they are all dogs blah blah blah.. Well first of all, let me just say.. Not ALL men are dogs. I know some great ones.. but like any creature, if you treat them bad over and over..  they can be trained to that behavior and even turn on you.. feel me.. *_*.. But the one thing I never understood about her was.. She was always talking about how men treated her like this or that.. always after her for her body (which wasn't a good one btw) ... YET... she was always sticking her Tatas in their face.. You are walking around half naked in front of your children, bringing in all these different men around your daughter... taking pictures with her while you have your legs cocked open on tables and ish like you are on HOTGHETTOMESS.com or something.. but then get mad when someone calls her out ya name.. 

It takes me back to that Dave Chappell saying.." I'm not saying you are a HOE.. but you ARE wearing a Hoe's uniform.. and the ish is f'n confusing."   Now, I will never condone disrespecting a woman.. but if you don't have a LIL respect for yourself.. how do you expect anyone else to...

So back to why I could have lived without knowing her ol' messy a**.. One thing that urks the hell outta me about FB ..* and I'm just gonna say it.. It's my blog.. I can do that." But the one thing I hate about fb is THE  MESSY A** FEMALES.. and these lame  "I really want to be your friend because you seem so interesting" invites they send.. For those of you that haven't figured out this game yet.. that's HOE CODE for.. "I think the man I'm diggin.. is diggin YOU.. so I'm gonna get on your page so I can see what he is saying to you, talk to you in hopes that you will tell me what's really going on between you two because I'm just that slick".. *_*.. ( that face typically means.. BISHHHH PLEASE)

So anyway, I had a feeling.. the day she sent me that invite that it might be some foolishness.. I'm from ALABAMA .. I am use to the smell of Bullshyt..feel me. But because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I simply like acting silly with people.. I accepted her in my FB world.. It was cool for a while..I'm thinking Maybe I was wrong about this chic.. until she started to show her true colors. So, I being the NUTCASE that I am.. It ain't no use in going to everybody else if I have a problem or a feeling about You.. I go to the SOURCE (in this case.. HER).  This is where she messed herself up.. I came to her and said.. I need to ask you something .. because I think there is some type of misunderstanding here..  So, I told her what I was thinking.. and she IMMEDIATELY.. got stupid and I mean she went from Hi.. to *BOMQUIESHA* in like 3.5 secs... Now she was all to happy to talk about everything under the sun on my page.. but one on one.. she couldn't handle it..  Either way.. I laughed at her.. and him.. because you know it was over a DUDE that she thought I wanted..  *_*... ( what I tell you that face meant)

I am of the same thinking as ROYCE from Basketball Wives.. "Until you can kick yo leg up to your ear.. You can't say ish to me" and YES I really can.. Don't let the jiggle fool ya.. hahaa In other words.. Boo Boo.. Get on my LEVEL .. With all my flaws.. I'm still a BAD chic..  But this is not a tata contest.. It's not even about him.. cause I didn't want HIM .. it was the other way around.. If you have a problem.. take it to your man.. NOT the chic.. cause bringing it here.. might get a lil more than your feelings hurt.. I ain't exactly.. right in the head.. ( I have come to terms with it though..) The problem was.. you weren't a woman about it.. If you had just COME to me with what you were thinking.. I would have pointed out the ones that were in competition with you.. I got MINE..

But anyway... Before all of this.. she sent me her number because she wanted to pray for my dad.He was in ICU at the time and we didn't think he would make it.. So she is texting me.. " Sis I Love you and I put you on my prayer list at church.. batguano " *sigh*.....

Now why on EARTH do people say ish like that.. You put me and my father on the prayer list ( if you even really did it) to be prayed for.. but you think I'm trying to go behind your back to take a man that belongs to someone else.. *_~.. This is the ( are you smoking ALL the crack?) Look...
My mama always tells me to be careful of who prays for you .. because you don't know what they are praying for or who they are praying TOO.. Plus.. some folks prayer bounce like checks... so they don't make it to his ears anyway..

Back to the blog.. I could have done without knowing her because even though I learned that me and most women from this certain area really don't get along.. it was redundant.. because I already KNEW I didn't like chics from there.. I did learn the levels in which a person will go to just to HAVE A MAN in their life and to get poked in the car in their driveway.. CLASSY! *_~.. 

Don't get me wrong.. I am in NO WAY an angel.. I have done some things just the other day that I was thinking... *NOW YOU KNOW.. you ain't got NO business doing this"  but still did it anyway..  So don't think that shop at Goody2Shoes..  But I have other stuff to do than to hover over at some chic's FB page because I think she may be the love interest of someone I want * because how could he NOT want JUST me*.. Hell if he was really after me.. I would have ( if I wanted HIM) still been 2nd.. because he had a woman.. Dumb Ass.. WHo strives to be 3rd place..? Her war was with the wrong person.. because she was in no way in danger of me trying to get him.. NO MAAM.. But just because she tried to play me stupid.. when she just could have ASKED.. and she tried to use my dad's illness as a way to work her way into my private life.. was enough for me to want to put her freggin head through a meat grinder..

ijs..

Yea.. I could have done without knowing that chic.. for REAL!

Day 9: Drifting on a memory...

Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.



                                                                                                         
Aren't they Beautiful.. I know..


There isn't one ... there are two.. my oldest friends in the world.. Twin sisters Peaches and Pay Pay.. We were the 3 amigos.. well 5 if you count Michelle & Amanda.. our white chocolate sisters.. Murray Road was the Business...
 
My first memories in life are with these chics.. Birthday parties, sleepovers.. fights in the grass between their grandfathers house and the next..  Tissue paper cigarettes.. haha we had soo much fun..
 
That's when life was simple.. We found each other again on Myspace after years and years of moving.. and I guess LIFE.. Peaches and I were talking and I she told me she was coming home 2 Christmases ago ( is that how you say that..*kayne shrug*) ..
 
I went to the house with their family and they hadn't changed a bit.. Still loud and laughing.. and so friendly and inviting.. They let me share in their family games.. which was cool as hell.. Everyone gets a gift right.. and so they put them all on the table and pull names.. The gifts don't have names on them and you don't know what's in them..  you pull a number and you get to choose the one you want.. the fun part is.. that the person after you.. could take that gift if they want it..after you have opened..
 
It was a great time.. Peaches doesn't live here anymore and I really miss her.. and Pay.. she does live here but I don't know.. with everything that has been going on.. we just drifted.. I really miss the simple life of us riding up and down the street with BT and Gerald.. Red.. Pony.. Gerald.. Lisa.. We were some bad lil kids but in the best way.. We stuck together.. always had each other's back.. 
 
We may not speak to each other everyday.. but I think of them all the time.. Even though.. we haven't seen each other since that Christmas.. I would still drop everything if either of them needed me..
 
Peaches, Pay Pay and De-Dee... the orginial... CREW..
 
Love ya ladies...
 
 

Day 8: I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW....

... someone who has treated me like shit huh? made my life a living hell...

Today I want to say my children's father.. I have tried everything I know how to be nice to this person so that he can see and share in his children's lives.. He has done nothing to deserve the title father.. no child support... forgetting birthdays... putting himself, his girlfriends and their children above his own..  for 16 years...

but.. I can't blame him.. 

I have to blame ME for that.. I was trying to do the right thing by allowing him to see his children knowing he meant them no good. I subjected my children to his wickness instead of being the BITCH I should have been and just asked for him to sign over his rights long ago. He has never been a father and I guess somewhere deep down I knew he never would.. but I had HOPE..

How could you look at these beautiful children and NOT want to love them? want to protect them? do right by them? They were innocent.. didn't ask to be here.. but they were concieved out of love.. or at least one side.. I made the mistake of giving him the common respect I would give any human.. But obviously.. treating people how you would want to be treated isn't the way to go.. at all..

How could I be so stupid to believe that there is some good in all people? I know how he was raised and I know his people.. and I see the good in THEM and I guess he was GOOD by association. Noone that came from a father like that.. could be so cruel... right? WRONG.. Take one child and turn them against their mother who has taken care of them all their life.. and because you can't intimidate the other.. the one you never claimed to begin with.. you simply ignore her.. 

Now, there is tons and tons of sleepless nights and stress and unnecessary bullshit to deal with because I didn't take his knees out when I had the chance.. I should have been one of those mothers that just says F**k you.. I don't care if you want to see them or not.. Go to hell.. But I didn't.. I tried to do what was right..

So.. I guess the person that treated me like shit.... was ME..

Imagine that..

* I feel the Bitch Brewing...*

God please don't allow me to go back to the person I use to be.. because someone is gonna get hurt.. really really bad..

Day 7: he makes me better...

Day 7.. Someone who has made my life worth living..



Now I know you are all expecting me to say my fiance'... and you would be right.. but he isn't the only man in my life.. I have the greatest best friend in the world.. His name is Carlos.. I can't remember a time in my life (besides the death of my sister) that he wasn't right there.. And that was only because I haven't met him yet.

We have known each other since May of 1993... We were introduced by.. *well she isn't important*.. but we have been friends ever since. He has been he through, boyfriends, break ups, babies, marriages, divorce, my hardest times, deaths, lifes, sickness, surgeries.. and JUST because...

Believe it or not.. I was a SERIOUSSSSS F**k up back in the day. No ambition at all.. NOT NONE. I didn't want to do anything but do NOTHING. I believed everything that I was told back in the day (that I would never be anything) and I made it happen. I should have been in and out of school long ago. I honestly never believed I could suceed.. I have a few things working against me but he never gave up on me. He would let me do my woo is me routine.. and my life is sucks thing... and then he would ask me.. ARE YOU FINISHED?  You have to know my bestest... He is straight to the point.. no nonsense kinda guy..  He loves me.. and he loves me enough to tell me the truth.. He tells me when I'm doing good.. and he lets me know when I completely _____ up. 

For instance with school.. he would always ask me.. "so.. when you going back to school?" I would give him some lame excuse and he would say.. Okay.. I know you can do it.. and you will when you are ready.. After years of hearing this same story... we were talking on the phone.. and I told him I was ready for my life to change.. He hit me again.. Go to school.. you have to start somewhere.. .. then he said.. I will even pay for you to go back... *pump the brakes*... Someone believed in me enough to want to PAY for me to get my education.. * I didn't know what to do with that*... who does THAT?  But it was just the thing I needed to get myself together. I didn't go back to school right then.. because I was almost there but not 100% and if he believed in me THAT much..there was no way in the dayum world I was about to take his money and mess it up..  So a few months later..I got up the nerve..and I went back to school.. I told him that I would get him that degree.. and that's exactly what I did. 

Because he believed in me..I walked across the stage with a criminal justice degree. I loved my family for being there.. but the one person I looked for was my best Friend... I wanted him to know that it was because of HIM that I had that piece of paper.. I will never forget what he said to me one day I was really going through it.. about to give up because it didn't seem as if anyone else cared.. everyone was out for self.. and he said... Dee, you can't change people.. but you CAN change your surroundings.. and he was absolutely right.. I got out.. and started doing things with school and hanging with different people and my attitude changed because my surroundings changed.

I can honestly say that there are 3 men in this world that I would jump in front of a bullet for, my father made 4.. but now.. there is my son, my man, and my bFF.. he has saved my life on MANY occasions.. when noone else was there.. I knew HE was.. and that's why he makes my life worth living..


we even have matching injuries to our fingers.. just like peas and carrots hahahaa





Day 6... OH LAWD!

Day 6: something I hope I never have to do..

That's simple visit my children or any child I love in PRISON or in the CEMETERY.

When we visit Birmingham, I always try to go to my sister's grave. It's a hard thing to do and it never seems to get any easier. I never got to go with my dad but I know he went. Watching him go through the things that he went through.. blaming himself for my sister's death..even though.. there was NOTHING he could have done to stop it... he basically died inside.. every birthday, holiday, day of her death or week rather..

I KNOW I'm not strong enough to deal with that. If I were to ever loose a child.. they will HAVE to bury me with them. Losing my sister was hard as hell.. Losing my daddy was HELL... what's worse than HELL?

But if there was anything that ran a close 2nd to death would be seeing one of them behind bars. Anyone who knows me knows that no matter what *I* need.. everything stops for my children. I am hard on them because I don't want them to have to live the life I have so far. I don't want them to have to wait until they are in their 30's to GET IT. Don't steal, don't kill.. follow the rules and you won't have to know what it feels like to be behind bars... As much as I love my children.. the rule in my family has always been.. You get ONE CHANCE.. I will come get you ONCE if you do something stupid (within reason.. meaning nothing like murder).. I will come get you out one time.. After that.. I forward your mail...

I have tried to teach my children right from wrong and I did my best.. that's all I could do.. You have clothes, food, shelter and love.. if that wasn't enough there is nothing more I can do. I have to believe that I did a half way decent job and although my children may not be angels.. they will think back on the lessons we have tried to teach them. I want them to think twice about doing the right thing.

If you do something stupid.. it's because you CHOSE to not because you didn't know better. When I do something that I know isn't right..*and I have* it is not because my father didn't teach me better.. it was because I made the adult decision to do it.. And that is the same thought process I will have with my children.

I have never been a prison girlfriend.. I sucked sooo bad at that. so I KNOW I will not be a good prison Mom. *kayneshrug*

Why are you getting married?

The perfect ring..

So, I've been sitting here thinking to myself .. why in the ____ am I getting married? You are loosing sleep, you've been with him all this time UNMARRIED, you're becoming a bit of a butthole ( not intentionally) and something tells me that these migraines may be a direct result of the stress you're putting on yourself..  So.. why the hell are you going through all this.. Is it really worth it..

.. and no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it..I come back to the same answer
..Yes!

I was watching THE BLIND SIDE the other day and the lady was interrogating Michael about all that OLE MISS stuff.. why all the people in his life want him to go.. what THEY have invested in it..blah blah blah.. and he got MAD and stormed out.. He started to second guess the people that he loves and why they loved him and he ran.. He ran right back to the life that he had before.. and ended up having to fight his way out, literally.. and all he wanted was the one person that loved him the most..

So I'm sure you are saying .. Eb.. seriously.. what does this have to do with you getting married.. Well.. when he got his head right.. He went back where he should be, got his mind right.. He went back to the lady that was interrogating him..  Everyone had calmed down.. and he said.. With all the questions you were asking me.. you never once asked why I wanted to go to OLE MISS.. and she said ok why.. and he said .. because My Family goes there..

And that's why this is important to me.. My family..

After my daddy passed away.. all the tension with my family began to heal itself.. I started to learn alot about my family history. And with everything I've heard.. I've never heard about a wedding. Yes, people are married in my family.. but there has never been a real wedding. There are no family pictures to refer back to, there are no family reunions.. My family is pretty separated.. what little we have. I think that needs to Change.

I want my children and my cousins and my niece and godchildren to know that marriage is a GOOD thing. The family is suppose to celebrate your happiness. We shouldn't just get together when someone dies. We need to make memories that are HAPPY... period. I am a very nostalgic person. I believe in traditions to a point. My sister always talks about things we don't have to pass down like *normal* families. We don't have wills, our family heirlooms..  I want to one day pass down a pair of diamond earrings to my daughters that my husband gave me. I want my son to think that just shacking up with a woman is ok. It's not ok. If you love that woman enough .. give her your last name. I want my niece to know that her aunt is not just her father's sister.. But that she can call on me for anything.. and if I have to get my butt in the car and drive all night just to be there in the waiting room when she gives birth to her first child.. That's EXACTLY what I'm going to do..

My family has really been divided for far too long and although there are members of my family that AREN'T blood related.. they are still family.. and that's what it's all about. I've been sitting here worrying my ass off about if the church will be JUST RIGHT for pictures, if the reception food will be right.. Will my centerpieces be perfect..Do I have enough music.. money.. the perfect wedding set..  And although I have the PERFECT wedding coordinator Patty Ann, the Best Dj Mark Patton and a fabulous Designer Ebony Cromartie, The Baddest Lady ever touch a pair of Flat Irons Latarsha Love Strong.. and the woman who will make me beautiful.. Tanya Clark.. and the BEST FRIENDS ever.. whatever happens.. it will be a GOOD memory for a change. It will be the start of a tradition.. it will be a Family event where we are all happy and beautiful and TOGETHER..

Now.. with all that said.. none of this could be possible without one person. The one who has been by my side from day one...the one who has forgiven me for soo many of my faults.. the one who has nursed me back to health and healed my broken heart .. the one who has shown my son how to be a man.. how to take care of his family.. the one who has been a father .. showing my girls that the one you love may not look like a model but will love and protect you like no other.. the love of my life.. my protector, my God given gift.. my Husband, my friend, and soon to be.. my forever.. Teddy.. where would I be without him.. In a world of hurt ... that's where..


So.. today.. I'm going to put all the stress behind me.. My wedding will be the first of many beautiful memories that my family will share together..  TOGETHER.. *hmm*.. that word simply makes it all worth it..

What I'm looking forward to the most.. the first OFFICIAL complete family picture.. My husband.. my children.. brother and sister..my aunt, my uncles, cousins..grandma.. my familia.. 


yes..

DAY 5.. one day I wanna...

Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.


So, I've been slacking on my 30 days of Truth..Not that anyone is reading it anyway.. but Here's DAY 5..
 
What's something I hope to do in my life..
 
That's a pretty odd one. There are several things I hope to do in my life. But I guess the best I can say at this very moment.. is to work with children. I don't know what it is about babies.. But I simply love taking care of them. I can't walk by a pretty baby without wanting to hold them and take care of them .. I have often been told that I should start a daycare center.. because I'm actually good with kids. They respond to me and I can understand them.  Sometimes when we become adults we forget what it's like to watch a bubble float through the air and wonder.. where is it trying to go.. and how long can I follow it? We get to a point where we don't want anyone asking us questions yet we tell the babies.. if you don't ask you will never know..
 
I can connect with kids and they GET me. They don't want anything other than a lil attention.. They don't require a lot.. They live the simple life and no matter how other's may say find reasons for why it's so easy for them.. they all secretly wish that they could be a kid again.. to remember what it felt like to have a fight and two seconds later chase butterflies together.. or to have dance contest.. or to play hopscotch..
 
how many of you would gladly leave work right now to go play outside if you could...?? * raised eyebrow*.. don't lie... :)

Forgiving YOU .. frees ME!

KENNETH HOUSTON..

I know I should forgive him.. My daddy did before he left this earth.. and I've tried really really HARD.. But it's just not a place that I am comfortable with. I really think he needs to be in jail for the REST of his life because we have a life sentence... My sister will never be able to hug me again. I can't remember what she smells like. I don't remember exactly what the color of her eyes were... did they have flakes of gold.. was there a hazel ring around them.. I can't remember.. And my children.. never got to meet her.. ALLLL because his Dumb *** couldn't live without her.. If I can't have you No one will.. really .. you selfish Bastard. No I don't forgive you because there are 900,000 people in Birmingham.. She was not the only female you could have been with. She didn't want you...

I hear people say all the time that holding on to this anger is killing me.. well SO F'N what... My sister is the one in the ground..Not yours. My father lived in pain for all these years because of his NEED to have control over someone.. Not yours.. Until you have to go clean off a grave and take your children to see her HEADSTONE.. not her face.. STFU..

*wossaaa*

So anyway, my life has overflowed with pain because of the actions of this ONE a**hole.. so excuse me if I want to choke him til his nipples bleed.. *kaynes shrug*

I'm sure one day I will get tired of hating him ( he will probably be dead) but it will come.. Until then.. Kenneth Houston deserves nothing less than to be tied to a tree..  and beat within INCHES of his life.. then brought back.. and BEAT again.. just over and over..lol..

I'm have had too many things taken away from me that I couldn't control.. My voice will ALWAYS keep him behind bars.. You think he will FORGIVE ME? Probably not.. But I bet the parents of the next person he would kill ( because he said he would kill again) would.. So I'm good...  NEXT!

Day 3: Forgiveness... this is a hard one..

So, Day 3.. this is a hard one.. there are so many things I need to forgive myself for.. but I think the one I need to forgive myself for the most is falling for a married man.. Yea. Yea.. stop looking at the screen like that's some new virus. Yes I did. Instead of talking to my boyfriend like an adult.. I chose to turn to someone close to us & he chose to turn to me..His wife was treating him bad.. my man was treating me bad and we turned to each other for comfort. At the time, I think that I was just looking for someone to CARE. I knew he did.. because he was very upfront about his feelings toward me to everyone.. but they blew it off as jokes. He made it easy to fall for him because he was ALWAYS there. I mean ALWAYS.. anything I needed.. he was right there to hand it too me. The phone calls, the roses, the visits, the lunches... the thrill of "We are getting you back for not paying attention to us"...  We snuck around for weeks before anyone even realized that there was something going on.

I will be totally honest.. I didn't feel guilty about it when we FIRST started.. because I had been with her when she went to kick it with another guy. She asked me to go to the MALL and we end up just a few apartments over at her boo's house. She put me in her mess without me knowing anything...Not cool.. This was before anything ever went down with us.. Then while I was sick, my man would avoid my calls but answer this other chic.. I felt betrayed .. So we figured.. "look they aren't taking care of us so we will take care of each other"... But that was no reason for me to do what I did. If we had been under different curcumstances (meaning single).. we would have been the perfect couple.. but it didn't work because we opened a door before closing the first one.

Even though we ended up leaving each other alone & he and she went on to break up ( so I heard).. and she was out doing her dirt to him.. I still feel like I owe her an apology. I don't think I will ever be able to completely forgive myself until I do that.. So, today.. I took a chance and searched for her on facebook. Low and behold I found her.. I don't know how to start this letter to her and I'm almost sure that I will be called everything but a child of God...( and deserve it) but I have to accept what it is.. because I did it. It was years ago.. but it still bothers me.. and before I enter into a marriage.. I need to get this out of my heart and my system. 

I know some of you reading this are just waiting to get to a phone to say .. Girl.. let me tell you what she just said.. and that's cool.. but I was honest.. and what ever it is.. I can apologize like a WOMAN... So Im good with it..  I forgive ME for my past. Everyone has one and I am no different.

Day 2: I'm AWESOME

*love my heart*

Today's topic is ... Something you LOVE about yourself..

Funny, the first thing to come to mind is... the very thing that I said I hated yesterday..My heart.. I don't know if that's in the rules... but it is what it is.. I love that I'm not a selfish person. If I see someone in need.. why SHOULDN'T I help them. I remember once that I was craving Chinese food.. chicken and broccoli.. I went up to my favorite Cat & dog restaurant...New China.. and got me some food.. When I pulled up in the parking lot.. I saw some people going up to people's cars talking to people. I didn't know what they were talking about a the time cause I was on the phone yapping about God only knows what with my sister Kali..
 Well when I came out.. the woman approached me and asked if I had any money for her and her friends to get something to eat..  I had money but I also know that some of those people don't always use the money for what they say they are going to use it for... So.. instead of giving her money.. I handed her my food.. She looked at me funny and said... "you are just GIVING me this".. My reply was.. "You said you were hungry right? So Eat.." She had this weird look on her face and said Thank you... it was genuine to me.. but that was not what I did it for. I always look at people like that.. and remember a time when I didn't have.. I lived out of my then boyfriend's truck or in a hotel when I had the money to do so.. I didn't have to beg for food to feed my children.. but I wasn't far from it.. That could have been me.. So, I did what I would want someone to do for my children...

anyway,... I went back in the restaurant and ordered my food again.. and there was a woman inside talking to her friend. She said she wouldn't have been crazy enough to give those people anything to eat.. why can't they get a job.. It kinda pissed me off.. My friend Stephanie Love has a saying.. "Don't count my money for me.." and I completely understand what she means.. Don't you worry about why and what I do with my money.. It will not make or break your day so worry about YOU..  Ya'll know I gave her the evil eye and dared her to say it TO me.. but of course.. people LOVE to talk .. but never have anything to say when you are standing in your face... (LAMES)

Well, I got my food.. still on the phone chatting away about these chics in here worrying about MY business.. Kali was telling me not to even trip because they were Less than worthy of my anger.. *she was right*.. I walked out and bid them a good day which just burned their Biscuits.. got in my car and backed out.. As I hit the corner.. I saw the same lady.. with two other men.. eating the food that I had given them. They begin to wave and thank me again.. But my heart was already full because I followed my heart and did what I felt was right.. 

Yes, I get burned .. ALOT.. by ALOT of people.. because I do things from my heart and never ask for anything in return.. Even last night at church, the pastor said.. not every good deed was a GOD deed.. Meaning.. some people will bleed you dry because they KNOW you have a good heart.. I know that feeling ALL too well. But I'm gonna continue to do what I feel is right for those that I feel need my help. I may die a fool.. but there are much worse things that I could die being.. Feel me..

You only live once.. and nobody gets out alive anyway.. so you may as well live doing good deeds rather than to die doing nothing....

That's just my a**hole about the situation... *kayne shrug*

Day 1: It urks me...

Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.

I have been dared to do this 30 days of Truth.. and so here I am. Something that I hate about myself... something I hate about myself. There are things that I don't LIKE.. but I can't say Hate. But I had to choose something that I dislike the MOST.. I would say.. I hate my temper. Man, it is BAD.. real real BAD and the weird part is.. I don't know where it comes from. I think maybe it got worse after the murder of my sister. Kenneth Houston has a special place in my head. I have often thought of the most creative ways I could Kill him for what he did to my sister.  Seriously, my mind can go to some scary scary places.. For instance... I came up with the perfect murder.. the absolute perfect murder.. the evidence would be right in your face and spead all over the county.. and noone would ever think to look ... it's too disgusting to mention, plus.. if someone read it.. and got the crazy idea of trying it.. I would probably go to jail for putting the idea in their heads.. So let's just say that he would NEVER be found.  But he would always be WITH ME...

Then I think.. maybe it was after my rape.. Yea, it can happen to anyone, including me. I have often wanted to ask him WHY? He is on facebook, even sent me an invite on tagged.. years after the attack.. and the baby.. I use to blame myself for it.. trying to convince myself that I HAD to lead this person on.. but I didn't.. I know I didn't.. Someone took my kindness for a weakness.. and usually I am a very strong person, mentally and physically.. but he BROKE ME.. and I fed off that hatred for him.. daily, hourly, while I bathed, while I slept, the nightmares.. Now that I think about it.. Maybe it's Not my temper that I hate.. it's my own Heart..  I was trying to do the right thing for another human being.. and they took my kindness and killed a piece of me..  So.. let me recant my statement.. I hate that I am so kind hearted and want to help people... I hate that I will give my all to someone to better their lives but they couldn't give a shit about me. I wish I could stop caring.. and be like everyone else.. and be all for self.. but I can't.. and I literally HATE IT.. Some say it will bring me blessings.. *kayne shrug*.. Maybe.. maybe not.. but it's something that I can't control..  Even when I do something for SELF and overlook others feelings about it.. I still end up feeling guilty... and it sucks..

Why can't I be Normal and not give a shit like everyone else?