I have been dared to do this 30 days of Truth.. and so here I am. Something that I hate about myself... something I hate about myself. There are things that I don't LIKE.. but I can't say Hate. But I had to choose something that I dislike the MOST.. I would say.. I hate my temper. Man, it is BAD.. real real BAD and the weird part is.. I don't know where it comes from. I think maybe it got worse after the murder of my sister. Kenneth Houston has a special place in my head. I have often thought of the most creative ways I could Kill him for what he did to my sister. Seriously, my mind can go to some scary scary places.. For instance... I came up with the perfect murder.. the absolute perfect murder.. the evidence would be right in your face and spead all over the county.. and noone would ever think to look ... it's too disgusting to mention, plus.. if someone read it.. and got the crazy idea of trying it.. I would probably go to jail for putting the idea in their heads.. So let's just say that he would NEVER be found. But he would always be WITH ME...
Then I think.. maybe it was after my rape.. Yea, it can happen to anyone, including me. I have often wanted to ask him WHY? He is on facebook, even sent me an invite on tagged.. years after the attack.. and the baby.. I use to blame myself for it.. trying to convince myself that I HAD to lead this person on.. but I didn't.. I know I didn't.. Someone took my kindness for a weakness.. and usually I am a very strong person, mentally and physically.. but he BROKE ME.. and I fed off that hatred for him.. daily, hourly, while I bathed, while I slept, the nightmares.. Now that I think about it.. Maybe it's Not my temper that I hate.. it's my own Heart.. I was trying to do the right thing for another human being.. and they took my kindness and killed a piece of me.. So.. let me recant my statement.. I hate that I am so kind hearted and want to help people... I hate that I will give my all to someone to better their lives but they couldn't give a shit about me. I wish I could stop caring.. and be like everyone else.. and be all for self.. but I can't.. and I literally HATE IT.. Some say it will bring me blessings.. *kayne shrug*.. Maybe.. maybe not.. but it's something that I can't control.. Even when I do something for SELF and overlook others feelings about it.. I still end up feeling guilty... and it sucks..
