I'm not spellchecking this shit..
fuck it..
Last night.. I had to make the hardest decision of my life..whether my father got what he needed to live or die. I know that ultimately it's up to GOD whether he goes home..but I had to make the decision to continue the treatment to keep his blood pressure up which is already very very low. My father has a DNR and he gave me power of attorney to make the call when the time came..
God forgive.. for making the decision I made..
When the hospital called and said that they needed my permission to put a stint in his neck because all his other veins were destroyed.. I didn't know what to say or do..The hospital also called my aunt to get in touch with me so I had to talk to her about it.. I didn't know what to do, I didn't really understand what they were saying to me because they talk in Medicine.. I need the Lame ass version cause I don't have a clue. So I called the one person that I knew KNEW what the hell they were talking about and that would give me the TRUTH.. not HER truth, we call her THE MAMA..She is truly my angel on Earth.. She didn't give birth to me but she is the closest thing to a mother I will ever have..
She explained to me that this was pretty much the last resort and that I was being asked the one question that I never wanted to answer.. Do I continue his suffering ( because I'm a brat and I just want my daddy) or do I let go...and Let GOD ( meaning show him the ultimate love and let him go home).. My immediate thought was.. I'm doing it.. Anything to keep my daddy here with me.. I want my daddy.. People tell me all the time how they wish they had ONE more day.. just ONE more Hour.. Just one more time to say I LOVE YOU.. so I wanted as many as I possibly can get.. My aunt was calling me back to back to back.. every phone.. then she had my cousin calling while she was calling and I just Couldn't BREATHE.. My family has always been like that.. they want what THEY want RIGHT THEN.. and they will literally beat you down emotionally until they get it.. Can you imagine 3 phones ringing at the same time..back to back to back..
The decision was left up to me .. so It doesn't matter what you have to say. I begged my father to give this to someone else.. BEGGED HIM.. but he said he knew..I would do the right thing.. So..I did.. I made the decision not to approve the surgery. I know that this means that his pressure will bottom out soon.. he will not eat because they needed to feed him through that tube, which means his sugar will drop.. and he will pass away. God forgive me..
My father has suffered for so many years.. and even if they gave him the surgery.. it may not work anyway and he could die in the process. So I'm damned if I do or don't..he said he didn't want to be cut again.. So I'm loving my father more than my selfishness and I'm letting God truly take control... Control.. There is that word again.. When my sister was murdered.. they put IN CONTROL on her headstone.. and it would ALWAYS stand out to me.. like a message or something.. I never got it until very recently...
After talking to my mama.. she agreed that I needed to go talk to him.. *at this time I was still saying Have the surgery* but I knew what was right..At first.. I couldn't start my car.. that happened the other day too..I called my BFF because I just couldn't do this ... He said I'm putting my clothes on and meeting you at the hospital.. ( he is the absolute Best... I'm soo blessed to have him) Once I got the key to actually go in the ignition.. and start it.. I backed up to drive down my drive way and I couldn't make my car drive onto the street.. I called everyone I could.. the phone just rung rung rung... ( what are those lyrics.. I called on my best friend.. she could not be found.. but I called on Jesus .. my life he can hold.. ) So I said God Help me.. and my finger called Naressa.. I don't actually really looking at her number I just remember hearing her voice..and I told her what was happening .. She said I'm on my way to get you.. DON'T MOVE...That wasn't a problem because I couldn't..
When she got there.. Chuckles ( my children's father Charles) was dropping off Kasey. I tried to get it together because I don't like for my children to see me like that.. but I couldn't even look at her when she asked if I was ok... I just nodded... Chuckles has known me a LONG time.. we have had some really BAD times...but he knows me.. and how to approach me.. so he backed his car up next to mine and we talked on speaker phone.. in our cars until Naressa pulled up.. I got out.. he got out.. I walked to him and he put his arms around me and laid my head on his chest.. it was a weird feeling since I hadn't been there in 10 + years.. but it was comforting to know he was there..
Anyway.. I got in the car with Ressa.. and all I could hear was Marvin Sapp.. *Praise him in Advance* it echoed.. ( my head is kinda empty sometimes) She said OWW and I got it.. Here is when I knew my decision needed to change.. As we are listening to the song.. When it got to the 2nd verse. it started to SKIP really really bad... and I just busted out laughing because this wasn't the first time that has happened to me..
Picture it.. Huntsville, about 2 months ago.. My father was about 25+ days without Diaylsis.. because he was READY to go home.. and so my best friend from High school.. Kim was there.. He loves her soo.. She takes care of him when he is at the Hospital cause she is A BIG DAWG over there.. So he had made Cd's for everyone.. and he was playing the song for her as he did for others who he loved.. and she is on one side I'm on the other... and in the second verse.. the Cd skipped.. So I was like.. That was GOD.. I laughed and he said.. start it over.. I did.. and he played all the way through.. and at the end of the song Kim (who's a nurse) had her head on his because his pulse was really low.. and I'm on the other side.. He had his daughters there with him.. and his head tilts back... She calls his name.. Daddy.. daddy... and He lifts his head and says.. " Got Dayummit my heart won't stop beating"... I wanted to choke the hell outta him.. It was funny as hell but It pissed me off too..
So when it happened in the car with Ressa.. I knew.. to just let God have it. Carlos met us at the hospital..( she was freaked out because of the Cd thing.. Long story ) We went in to see him and he was more alert and talking.. I explained to him what was happening and he said it too.. I don't want the surgery. As his daughter, his friend, and power of Attorney.. I had to make sure that he knew what that meant.. I really don't know that he understands because with septsis.. you are extremely confused.. but when he said No.. it was No.. I was okay with it.. I had my friends there for support.. We laughed together.. and cried together.. my dad and my Bff had a convo when I stepped out to talk to the nurse.. I was good..
I came home and called my Mama back.. because she was losing it because I was losing it.. Although she didn't give birth to me.. she understands me and we have a very STRONG connection.. because she loves me as a daughter.. and I love her as a mother.. but also because of our indian heritage.. No I'm not just saying that.. I'm not 3 parts Cherokee.. I'm actually Choctaw..and my mother is a medicine woman.. Alot of people wont understand that either.. or even believe in it.. but she is WHO she is.. and I am who I am.. and we really don't give a flying fig newton who believes or agrees.. We know what we know..
Anyway.. she was crying and burning sage and lavender.. (do ya research) and so we had to get still..she wouldn't get there until I did.. so once we talked .. we were good..
But then.. it hit me again.. Did I do the right thing? Did I just sign my dad's death certificate? I feel like a murderer.. Yea.. I know it sounds crazy but until you are HERE.. you can't Know what this feels like.. I know that they changed his Ivs and they have to change them every 72 hours ..They don't have anymore veins to use so.. he won't get the meds.. which means..
sigh....
Life really fucking SUCKS.. I have had all of my friends with me through this.. some for 4 years.. and I just don't know what to do with myself.. How do you go through your normal day knowing that that call is coming.. How do you smile when you can't even breathe..The funny thing is.. I posted a stat that said I needed soft sheets music, and a strong shoulder..before all this happened.. and more than one person asked me ... where my man is.. He's here.. but sometimes.. the people closes to you are too close to the situation.. It's not that I don't love my man.. or that he doesn't love me.. that is SOOOO not the case.. but with going through this with me all these years.. he has his feelings and opinions and right now... I just want to be somewhere with people who WON'T talk about this.. who won't remind me of what is going on.. who will just let me BE in their space and I don't have to think ... about anything..
No.. it has NOTHING TO DO WITH CHEATING OR SEX ... cause I know that's what a few of you are thinking.. It has to do with being sheltered from the world where nothing and no one can find you for just a Lil while... where I can breathe.. think.. collect my thoughts and myself.. cry if I need too with out someone telling me how I SHOULD feel and to be strong for the family.. FUCK the FAMILY.. those muthafuckas haven't done 1/100th of what I have.. so they don't deserve anything from me other than an ASS to kiss.. When my father dies.. I won't have anymore FAMILY.. I will probably never hear from any of them again... and I really wouldn't give a shit..
7 comments:
You have me in tears over here lady. Sista you know I LOVE YOU and you can come to Memphis anytime u want for a get away. You dont have to take we can just sip wine and chill. You know Im always here for whatever u need .. Big GAINT(((((HUGS))))) to u my sista
I am with you always..No matter where you are. That 1:00 in the morning call was for this very reason. Listen to your Heart beat. The Great Spirit is there. For even the desires of your HEART he gives to you. Don't question any decisions that have been made. This is not a test of your Faith. Kasey needs him too. Love them both as only you can do. With her he can run, jump, see, be whole and breathe life back into you. Grasshopper, God is good all the time and All the time God is good.
No one knows the day hour or minute that he will cross. You asked Don Juan if he was doing this for you? He said NO, he was doing this for him (and you know the reason why). The Great Spirit will never put any more on you than you can stand. Lay this burden down, you don't have to carry it..Remember Footprints. As with DJ, you have to truly LET GO. He can't cross until your burden is lighter. Love you like my next breath,,,Mama
Dionne as someone who walked this long sad journey, I hear you. What I remember most is people either not knowing what to say, saying too much or saying something stupid to me. But I remember I had one true friend who let me be in her midst and said nothing. We didn't talk about it because I was talked out, cried out, wrung out. She was just THERE. I sooooooooooo appreciated that more than some of the others. Until you walk my shoes...in my case both parents dying around the same time we have nothing to talk about.
Signing those DNR papers so my Dad could get hospice near bout killed me. Literally. I felt as if I too had signed a death sentence for my Dad but I prayed to God that I was doing the right thing. My dad never regained consciousness from his accident in Prince George's County Maryland and for 8 months I lived that agony of is this the day?
At the very least your Dad is able to tell you what he wants and doesn't want. Do not feel bad for following his wishes. He knows and God knows better than the rest of us when it's time for his journey. Just hold on to that and do not beat yourself up.
Well, I have too been at this point in my life a couple of years ago with my dad! Don't know if you remember or not. I too had to make that decision with my Step-mother of life or death! We had to think about what was best for him and not for us. I feel your pain, I truly do! I teared up some reading what you wrote because I have been there and I guess it opened up some old wombs with me! As you know, you have a close friend just with a little distance between us! You know you can call me anytime day or night if you need to talk or just to vent! And if you ever need a destination to visit, you always know I have an open door policy for ya! Love U my friend! Peace & Blessings to you an your family!
I have not been able to view your FB page without crying... I hope you know how strong you are, and that you did the right thing...
I sent you something in your facebook inbox that helps me now that Darryl is gone, I hope it helps you too...
I love you, D.
(Wiping tears) God is guiding your decisions and long as u keep that faith don't second guess yourself. God bless you ur dad and ya family. I've been where u are I totally understand your frame of mind right now. (((Hugs)) ~Lykebudda
your strength and will inspire me...holding you close then and now...
your lifewater
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