Day 3: Forgiveness... this is a hard one..

So, Day 3.. this is a hard one.. there are so many things I need to forgive myself for.. but I think the one I need to forgive myself for the most is falling for a married man.. Yea. Yea.. stop looking at the screen like that's some new virus. Yes I did. Instead of talking to my boyfriend like an adult.. I chose to turn to someone close to us & he chose to turn to me..His wife was treating him bad.. my man was treating me bad and we turned to each other for comfort. At the time, I think that I was just looking for someone to CARE. I knew he did.. because he was very upfront about his feelings toward me to everyone.. but they blew it off as jokes. He made it easy to fall for him because he was ALWAYS there. I mean ALWAYS.. anything I needed.. he was right there to hand it too me. The phone calls, the roses, the visits, the lunches... the thrill of "We are getting you back for not paying attention to us"...  We snuck around for weeks before anyone even realized that there was something going on.

I will be totally honest.. I didn't feel guilty about it when we FIRST started.. because I had been with her when she went to kick it with another guy. She asked me to go to the MALL and we end up just a few apartments over at her boo's house. She put me in her mess without me knowing anything...Not cool.. This was before anything ever went down with us.. Then while I was sick, my man would avoid my calls but answer this other chic.. I felt betrayed .. So we figured.. "look they aren't taking care of us so we will take care of each other"... But that was no reason for me to do what I did. If we had been under different curcumstances (meaning single).. we would have been the perfect couple.. but it didn't work because we opened a door before closing the first one.

Even though we ended up leaving each other alone & he and she went on to break up ( so I heard).. and she was out doing her dirt to him.. I still feel like I owe her an apology. I don't think I will ever be able to completely forgive myself until I do that.. So, today.. I took a chance and searched for her on facebook. Low and behold I found her.. I don't know how to start this letter to her and I'm almost sure that I will be called everything but a child of God...( and deserve it) but I have to accept what it is.. because I did it. It was years ago.. but it still bothers me.. and before I enter into a marriage.. I need to get this out of my heart and my system. 

I know some of you reading this are just waiting to get to a phone to say .. Girl.. let me tell you what she just said.. and that's cool.. but I was honest.. and what ever it is.. I can apologize like a WOMAN... So Im good with it..  I forgive ME for my past. Everyone has one and I am no different.

Day 2: I'm AWESOME

*love my heart*

Today's topic is ... Something you LOVE about yourself..

Funny, the first thing to come to mind is... the very thing that I said I hated yesterday..My heart.. I don't know if that's in the rules... but it is what it is.. I love that I'm not a selfish person. If I see someone in need.. why SHOULDN'T I help them. I remember once that I was craving Chinese food.. chicken and broccoli.. I went up to my favorite Cat & dog restaurant...New China.. and got me some food.. When I pulled up in the parking lot.. I saw some people going up to people's cars talking to people. I didn't know what they were talking about a the time cause I was on the phone yapping about God only knows what with my sister Kali..
 Well when I came out.. the woman approached me and asked if I had any money for her and her friends to get something to eat..  I had money but I also know that some of those people don't always use the money for what they say they are going to use it for... So.. instead of giving her money.. I handed her my food.. She looked at me funny and said... "you are just GIVING me this".. My reply was.. "You said you were hungry right? So Eat.." She had this weird look on her face and said Thank you... it was genuine to me.. but that was not what I did it for. I always look at people like that.. and remember a time when I didn't have.. I lived out of my then boyfriend's truck or in a hotel when I had the money to do so.. I didn't have to beg for food to feed my children.. but I wasn't far from it.. That could have been me.. So, I did what I would want someone to do for my children...

anyway,... I went back in the restaurant and ordered my food again.. and there was a woman inside talking to her friend. She said she wouldn't have been crazy enough to give those people anything to eat.. why can't they get a job.. It kinda pissed me off.. My friend Stephanie Love has a saying.. "Don't count my money for me.." and I completely understand what she means.. Don't you worry about why and what I do with my money.. It will not make or break your day so worry about YOU..  Ya'll know I gave her the evil eye and dared her to say it TO me.. but of course.. people LOVE to talk .. but never have anything to say when you are standing in your face... (LAMES)

Well, I got my food.. still on the phone chatting away about these chics in here worrying about MY business.. Kali was telling me not to even trip because they were Less than worthy of my anger.. *she was right*.. I walked out and bid them a good day which just burned their Biscuits.. got in my car and backed out.. As I hit the corner.. I saw the same lady.. with two other men.. eating the food that I had given them. They begin to wave and thank me again.. But my heart was already full because I followed my heart and did what I felt was right.. 

Yes, I get burned .. ALOT.. by ALOT of people.. because I do things from my heart and never ask for anything in return.. Even last night at church, the pastor said.. not every good deed was a GOD deed.. Meaning.. some people will bleed you dry because they KNOW you have a good heart.. I know that feeling ALL too well. But I'm gonna continue to do what I feel is right for those that I feel need my help. I may die a fool.. but there are much worse things that I could die being.. Feel me..

You only live once.. and nobody gets out alive anyway.. so you may as well live doing good deeds rather than to die doing nothing....

That's just my a**hole about the situation... *kayne shrug*

Day 1: It urks me...

Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.

I have been dared to do this 30 days of Truth.. and so here I am. Something that I hate about myself... something I hate about myself. There are things that I don't LIKE.. but I can't say Hate. But I had to choose something that I dislike the MOST.. I would say.. I hate my temper. Man, it is BAD.. real real BAD and the weird part is.. I don't know where it comes from. I think maybe it got worse after the murder of my sister. Kenneth Houston has a special place in my head. I have often thought of the most creative ways I could Kill him for what he did to my sister.  Seriously, my mind can go to some scary scary places.. For instance... I came up with the perfect murder.. the absolute perfect murder.. the evidence would be right in your face and spead all over the county.. and noone would ever think to look ... it's too disgusting to mention, plus.. if someone read it.. and got the crazy idea of trying it.. I would probably go to jail for putting the idea in their heads.. So let's just say that he would NEVER be found.  But he would always be WITH ME...

Then I think.. maybe it was after my rape.. Yea, it can happen to anyone, including me. I have often wanted to ask him WHY? He is on facebook, even sent me an invite on tagged.. years after the attack.. and the baby.. I use to blame myself for it.. trying to convince myself that I HAD to lead this person on.. but I didn't.. I know I didn't.. Someone took my kindness for a weakness.. and usually I am a very strong person, mentally and physically.. but he BROKE ME.. and I fed off that hatred for him.. daily, hourly, while I bathed, while I slept, the nightmares.. Now that I think about it.. Maybe it's Not my temper that I hate.. it's my own Heart..  I was trying to do the right thing for another human being.. and they took my kindness and killed a piece of me..  So.. let me recant my statement.. I hate that I am so kind hearted and want to help people... I hate that I will give my all to someone to better their lives but they couldn't give a shit about me. I wish I could stop caring.. and be like everyone else.. and be all for self.. but I can't.. and I literally HATE IT.. Some say it will bring me blessings.. *kayne shrug*.. Maybe.. maybe not.. but it's something that I can't control..  Even when I do something for SELF and overlook others feelings about it.. I still end up feeling guilty... and it sucks..

Why can't I be Normal and not give a shit like everyone else?

5 Things I'm REALLLLY sick of.. Since my father's passing

1. I am REALLY sick of people saying.. You can do this .. You are strong..

NO.. I'm not.. Dayum, can a Bitch just be TIRED and not GIVE A FUCK? I honestly don't care how my family is handling all of this.. because most didn't care while it was happening. I don't give a flying fuck if they are all being Haunted by his spirit every dayum day ( I would CTFU though)... I don't give a shit about holding this family together.. I don't give a dayum what my mother's plans are.. I simply want to not have to think or worry about anything or anyone else besides my own children for the next 20 years.. Is that o fuckin KAY with anyone?

2. i am REALLLLLLY sick of people ASKING ME TO HELP THEM with their issues.

My father hasn't been dead 2 fuggin weeks ... are you seriously asking me to give a dayum about your hair not laying right for a picture? Do you REALLY think I *SHOULD* care about what's going on in anyone's life right now? HELLLOOOOOO MC FLY... You DON'T MATTER .. and probably won't for a very very long time. If YOU think for one second that I give a dayum about your car being repoed, your lights being cut off.. or your boyfriend cheating.. You don't know me at all.. NOR do you give a shit about me because if YOU DID.. you would not Bother me with this dumb shit that YOU could have fixed a long time ago.. I have NO advice for anyone. I have no GIVE A FUCK ... I threw that shit off the dayum roof, ran over it with my car.. put what was left in a box and Blew it UP... YOU are GROWN.. FIX your OWN SHIT!

3. I am REALLLLLY sick of people acting like they can't do shit for themselves..

I have done NOTHING but cater to my father and his every need for the past 4 years. I refuse to put myself BACK in that situation for able bodied people who are BETTER off than I am. If YOUR phone dials out.. don't ask me to call someone and ask for SHIT.. If your feet work and your mouth releases words and your hands can write.. DO IT YOUR MUTHAFUGGIN SELF.. If it doesn't involve Jordon, Kasey, or Kennedy.. it don't MATTER. I can't even grieve his death because people are calling me with SHEEEEER bullshit.. Then have the NERVE to get mad because I don't give a shit.. I'm soo sorry for any inconvenience you may be experiencing at this time.. But if you are still waiting for me to do.. KILLL YASELF!

4. I am reallllllllllly REALLLLLY sick of all this EXTRA unsolicated ADVICE from Muthafuckas I don't KNOW or LIKE or that TURNED their damn backs on me when my father needed them the most.

How do you even FIX YOUR FACE to tell me what I need to do about his BILLS and his house and his belongings and his SHIT...when yo Ass hasn't been seen since Peewee Herman.. GTFOH... If you aren't part of the solution you are the PROBLEM. I know what needs to be done.. and if it doesn't GET done.. noone will have to deal with it BUT ME.. just like everything else that has happened. You don't have any consequences what so ever so STFU.. PLEASE and THANK YOU!..People LOVE to be able to say.. I TOLD YOU to go and do this.. when THEY COULD HAVE HELPPPPPPPED when he was alive.. He was famous for saying.. if you can't come see me when I'm alive.. don't bother me when I'm DEAD.. AMEN DADDY... FUCK EM...

5. As for right now.. the last thing that I am getting TIDE of is the LYING!

You don't CARE about me.. You don't care what happens to me.. You don't give a dayum if I'm eating .. or sleeping for real.. You just want to RUN ya fucking mouth and be seen. Don't SAY you care about me then CUSS me out because I didn't do what YOU wanted me to do when YOU wanted me to do it. I shouldn't have to CALLLLLLLLL anyone and say.. I'm down.. I miss my daddy. YOU should call me and say if you need me I'm here. WTF kinda shit is that... I have to call you .. when most days I can't even talk.. REALLY NIGGA!.. Kill Yaself... then set ya self on Fire you Bitch! Call it arrogant if you like.. AGAIN... I blew up my GIVE A FUCK... so... *YEA*... I have never seen so many self centered  ...it's ALLL ABOUT ME.. muthafuckas in my LIFE.. URGHH


You know it's bad when people who AREN'T your friends anymore think better of you than people who claim to LOVE you.. I would rather play Hang Man with the KKK than to listen to one more Fuggin word come out of your mouth..


Yea.. I cussed alot in this blog.. I'm the Child of a MARINE.. They make UP cuss words.. So what did you expect.. Don't really matter cause again.. *GIVE A FUCK ...BLEW UP! *kayne shrug*.. So listen .. if you feel like any of this is directed at you.. then.... well.. take it personal... I didn't call ONE name but I bet there are some MF huffin and puffin right now.. OH WELL FUCK YA!

Can I... GRIEVE .. without someone telling me HOW the Hell I'm suppose to DO it.. You haven't been where I have been and dealt with what I did.. so You DON'T know what this feels like.. You don't know how much it HURTS.. You can't fathom how BROKEN my spirit is...  Yes I have my faith and I don't need a bunch of scriptures.. I can read. I have a pastor for that..  What I need is for people to realize that they aren't that important right now.. Nothing you say will make me feel better.. I won't just GET OVER IT..( yes a mf told me that) and I don't need to hear what works for you .. when you break a dayum Nail.. It DOESN'T COMPARE!

I am sooo thankful for the friends that I have .. that may not always know WHAT to say... but know that just BEING there.. QUIETTTTTTLY is all I require.. Please get yaself together.. or get the fuck outta my way..


Signed....

 a Bitch that truly will fuck you up if you come to me with any of the things listed above ...  * blank stare*


*RNS*

This is that bullish.. but my daddy is good...

I'm trying my hardest to continue to be happy but today has been hard.. Not just because of the holiday but because of History...With the death of my sister.. the events went as followed.. 

My sister Kasey was murdered on the 15th, pronounced on the 16th, my aunt's bday was the 18th, we buried her on the 20th ( which happened to be Father's Day) and my 13th birthday was the 22nd...

Now my father has died and the events went as followed

My daughter Kasey was baptized on the 21st, my father died on the 21st, funeral is the 27th, Burying him on the 29th ( military funeral out of town) and my daughter Kasey's 14th birthday is the 2nd... History is a Muthafucka..

The one of the things that has  kept me sane is talking to my Uncle., he's actually my cousin but he is sooo much older than me he is more like and uncle..He told me the story of my dad being hurt. He stepped on a land-mine in Vietnam. That's all I ever knew.. what I didn't know was that he was looking for other injured men (according to my uncle). He said that when he stepped on it.. all he could remember was flying through the air. I couldn't imagine. My father never really talked to me about his time in war.. but the only thing my Uncle could say about my father in Nam was that he was COLD BLOODED..one of the best.. I take pride in that.. and I wish it didn't have to take my father dying for me to learn about all of this.He didn't really talk about that much more because he was old school military men just don't talk about it. My son needs to talk to my Uncle more often so that he can also know the stories and keep them going because he is the very last REEVES (male ) in my family..

I feel so out of place.. and everyone is trying to tell me where I should be, or what will happen in the next few days.. and honestly... it's getting on my fuggin nerves. Alot of things are as a matter of fact.. Fake as people... OWWWW.. there is this one bitch that keeps hanging around that just really sends my rocket to the dayum moon with that foolishness. So, my father talked her off a ledge after her son was murdered 19 years ago.. 

dayum why did OUR SONG just come on on this dayum movie.. I swear I will never be able to listen to Lou Rawls again..

Anyway.. she is under the assumption that I GIVE A FUCK ( or that anyone does for that matter) about what she has to say.. I DON'T.. neither did my father.. You got on his nerves more than anything.. When my father needed her the most the bitch high tailed it because one of my family members told her she wouldn't be able to handle it so she dipped on him the ONE fuggin time he actually NEEDED her wacko ass..  I'm telling you.. This funeral is NOT going to go the way it should if she comes in here like Wanda from GOOD times ..falling all over his casket and shit like that.. I'm gonna push her ass on over in there... and close the dayum door..  No I take that back.. I'll just drop kick her in the back of the dayum head.. I would never leave my father with her ass for eternity.. NEVER...  

If you know me or anyone in my family at all.. we aren't good company when we lose someone we truly love..and I say that we aren't because the people we can't STAND are the ones all up in our face.. Getsomewhere... If you know us at all.. you would give your condolences and keep it moving it we don't do you on a normal day.. please don't be all up in our face like we NEED you to survive this day.. NOT TRUE BOO!.. I want to be around people who will make me laugh.. and I thank GOD that's been the case.. otherwise.. Huntsville would be shut DOOOOWN!.. 

My father was my everything and I know he doesn't want me sitting around crying.. and truth be told... if I had a choice to bring him back.. I wouldn't.. because he suffered for so very long.. and I would NEVER want him to go thru that again..  So I have to suck this shit up..I haven't really cried much and for a while I thought that there may be something wrong with me.. but I know it's just that hard candy coating on the outside.. Sweet but hard.. and a gooey mess on the inside.. I feel like I'm gonna throw up at any given moment.. my head hurts like hell and I can't see out of my left eye.. PLUS I have lost like 10 freggin pounds.. so NOT HEALTHY..

The one person I want to be near.. to be around.. to be held by.. and other words is really messing with my head because it's not who it should be.. That could be a very bad thing.. But even with those weird thoughts running thru my head I still give it that ol Kayne shrug.. cause right now.. Nothing matters.. AT ALL!..I just want what I want ..a nd I want to grieve how I want.. and I don't really give a shit who likes it or not.. I have just lost my heartbeat.. and I don't know where to go to get it back because he is gone... I feel like a freggin prisoner in my own home.. I can't BREATHE! 

Fyi: just because I am having these.. umm Cravings  we will call them does NOT mean ASK if its you.. If you have to ask.. Guess what.. and please don't fool yourself into believing that being in your presence for 10 mins will make the pain of losing my father just disappear.. *shaking my dayum head at these inbox messages... 

just getting it out....

This has been a REALLY long road for me.. I want my friends to know that I read every comment, Im, text, messages, all the songs, all the dedications and prayers.. everything.. I just couldn't respond ... But I did get them.. and I thank you from the bottom of my heart...

Right now I'm listening to his old radio station WJAB 90.9 Fm  http://www.aamu.edu/wjab/  They are jammin.. Frankie Beverly and Maze.. one of my daddy's favorites..

My father was one of the founding members of that station.. Back in 1991, I was in high school and he would drop me off.. and head up to the station and be there until I got out of school if not later.. It's amazing how many people listened to him.. and know his voice.. There are a LOT of babies made from listening to the man with the velvety voice... I would listen to him going to sleep and it just would make me blush cause he thought he was sooo cool.. ( And he was)  .. What a lot of people didn't know is that not only was he a wonderful announcer but he could also sing like Barry White.. I use to Love to listen to him sing while he ironed his clothes.. Creases so dang sharp they could cut diamonds..

I have friends from elementary school who remember his GTO.. Midnight Blue.. God I hated that car in school.. It was LOUD ..but the more I thought about it.. and helped him work on it I grew to Love it.. and I wish I knew where it was now.. I would drive that damn car til the wheels fell off.. All the boys loved to see him pull up.. but they never wanted to see him get out.. cause he didn't play when it came to me.. *that ain't what ya want Pat'na* hahahaaa ask some of my exs..

I don't really know why I'm bloggin .. and I know ya'll don't wanna hear all this .. but I just don't want to forget where I am right now.. Sitting here, in my yellow *WHATEVER* t shirt..with his straw hat on.. (which I will be wearing to the funeral .. I don't care what nobody says ... that's my daddy's ) I think I'm doing pretty ... *kayne shrug*.. .I've laughed alot.. and I've had my moments where I just have 3 second.. crying spells.. I just gotta get it out.. because I don't know what the hell to do with myself right now..

I know people want to be here for me and make sure that I ear and rest and all that.. And I love them for it.. But.. I guess yesterday I just really needed time to breathe.. My phone wouldn't stop ringing.. My texts were BANANAS.. My Mama is soooo connected to me that she was completely outta wack..  I love it and I hate it all at the same time.. Why... because I really feel the love that she and ALL of you are showing me.. I'm truly not use to this.. But I hate it because I feel like a burden  and at times I feel like I just want the world to walk away...

I'm rambling..

But I will say this.. I haven't had to deal with any foolishness yesterday.. (negative anyway) but.. what I see starting to happen is that people from my past who TRULY need to stay in my past are resurfacing.. I recieved a call yesterday from someone I was very close to and although I don't think it will go past that phone call ... it was still very cool to talk to her.. and she knows who she is.. 

But thhheennn there are these other MF's that KNOW.. not to speak to me for the REST of your days.. who are sending me invites on FB... *_*...  GO away.. I don't want you around.. I don't care if you have been here before.. GO AWAY before there is some SERIOUS furniture Moved.. I don't need FAKE NUTHING around me right now.. and that is some str8 BAT GUANO! You can send me a message but you don't need to know my every move from here on out.. *URGH*

Well.. let me go .. they are bringing that book for people to sign and all that.. Life doesn't stop .. so.. I'll be back to blog again later...

I feel like I should have my daddy's outro music playing..

DNRs, POA, and my life drifting away..

I'm not spellchecking this shit..
fuck it..

Last night.. I had to make the hardest decision of my life..whether my father got what he needed to live or die. I know that ultimately it's up to GOD whether he goes home..but I had to make the decision to continue the treatment to keep his blood pressure up which is already very very low.  My father has a DNR and he gave me power of attorney to make the call when the time came..
God forgive.. for making the decision I made..

When the hospital called and said that they needed my permission to put a stint in his neck because all his other veins were destroyed.. I didn't know what to say or do..The hospital also called my aunt to get in touch with me so I had to talk to her about it.. I didn't know what to do, I didn't really understand what they were saying to me because they talk in Medicine.. I need the Lame ass version cause I don't have a clue. So I called the one person that I knew KNEW what the hell they were talking about and that would give me the TRUTH.. not HER truth, we call her THE MAMA..She is truly my angel on Earth.. She didn't give birth to me but she is the closest thing to a mother I will ever have..

She explained to me that this was pretty much the last resort and that I was being asked the one question that I never wanted to answer.. Do I continue his suffering ( because I'm a brat and I just want my daddy) or do I let go...and Let GOD ( meaning show him the ultimate love and let him go home).. My immediate thought was.. I'm doing it.. Anything to keep my daddy here with me.. I want my daddy.. People tell me all the time how they wish they had ONE more day.. just ONE more Hour.. Just one more time to say I LOVE YOU.. so I wanted as many as I possibly can get.. My aunt was calling me back to back to back.. every phone.. then she had my cousin calling while she was calling and I just Couldn't BREATHE.. My family has always been like that.. they want what THEY want RIGHT THEN.. and they will literally beat you down emotionally until they get it..  Can you imagine 3 phones ringing at the same time..back to back to back..

The decision was left up to me .. so It doesn't matter what you have to say. I begged my father to give this to someone else.. BEGGED HIM.. but he said he knew..I would do the right thing.. So..I did.. I made the decision not to approve the surgery. I know that this means that his pressure will bottom out soon.. he will not eat because they needed to feed him through that tube, which means his sugar will drop.. and he will pass away.  God forgive me.. 

My father has suffered for so many years.. and even if they gave him the surgery.. it may not work anyway and he could die in the process. So I'm damned if I do or don't..he said he didn't want to be cut again.. So I'm loving my father more than my selfishness and I'm letting God truly take control...  Control.. There is that word again..  When my sister was murdered.. they put IN CONTROL on her headstone.. and it would ALWAYS stand out to me.. like a message or something.. I never got it until very recently...

After talking to my mama.. she agreed that I needed to go talk to him.. *at this time I was still saying Have the surgery* but I knew what was right..At first.. I couldn't start my car.. that happened the other day too..I called my BFF because I just couldn't do this ... He said I'm putting my clothes on and meeting you at the hospital.. ( he is the absolute Best... I'm soo blessed to have him) Once I got the key to actually go in the ignition.. and start it.. I backed up to drive down my drive way and I couldn't make my car drive onto the street..  I called everyone I could.. the phone just rung rung rung... ( what are those lyrics.. I called on my best friend.. she could not be found.. but I called on Jesus .. my life he can hold.. ) So I said God Help me..  and my finger called Naressa.. I don't actually really looking at her number I just remember hearing her voice..and I told her what was happening .. She said I'm on my way to get you.. DON'T MOVE...That wasn't a problem because I couldn't..

When she got there.. Chuckles ( my children's father Charles) was dropping off Kasey. I tried to get it together because I don't like for my children to see me like that.. but I couldn't even look at her when she asked if I was ok... I just nodded... Chuckles has known me a LONG time.. we have had some really BAD times...but he knows me.. and how to approach me.. so he backed his car up next to mine and we talked on speaker phone.. in our cars until Naressa pulled up.. I got out.. he got out.. I walked to him and he put his arms around me and laid my head on his chest.. it was a weird feeling since I hadn't been there in 10 + years.. but it was comforting to know he was there..

Anyway.. I got in the car with Ressa.. and all I could hear was Marvin Sapp.. *Praise him in Advance* it echoed.. ( my head is kinda empty sometimes) She said OWW and I got it.. Here is when I knew my decision needed to change.. As we are listening to the song.. When it got to the 2nd verse. it started to SKIP really really bad... and I just busted out laughing because this wasn't the first time that has happened to me.. 

Picture it.. Huntsville, about 2 months ago.. My father was about 25+ days without Diaylsis.. because he was READY to go home.. and so my best friend from High school.. Kim was there.. He loves her soo.. She takes care of him when he is at the Hospital cause she is A BIG DAWG over there.. So he had made Cd's for everyone.. and he was playing the song for her as he did for others who he loved..  and she is on one side I'm on the other... and in the second verse.. the Cd skipped.. So I was like.. That was GOD.. I laughed and he said.. start it over.. I did.. and he played all the way through.. and at the end of the song Kim (who's a nurse) had her head on his because his pulse was really low.. and I'm on the other side.. He had his daughters there with him.. and his head tilts back... She calls his name.. Daddy.. daddy... and He lifts his head and says.. " Got Dayummit my heart won't stop beating"... I wanted to choke the hell outta him.. It was funny as hell but It pissed me off too..

So when it happened in the car with Ressa.. I knew.. to just let God have it. Carlos met us at the hospital..( she was freaked out because of the Cd thing.. Long story ) We went in to see him and he was more alert and talking.. I explained to him what was happening and he said it too.. I don't want the surgery.  As his daughter, his friend, and power of Attorney.. I had to make sure that he knew what that meant.. I really don't know that he understands because with septsis.. you are extremely confused.. but when he said No.. it was No.. I was okay with it.. I had my friends there for support.. We laughed together.. and cried together.. my dad and my Bff had a convo when I stepped out to talk to the nurse.. I was good..

I came home and called my Mama back.. because she was losing it because I was losing it.. Although she didn't give birth to me.. she understands me and we have a very STRONG connection.. because she loves me as a daughter.. and I love her as a mother.. but also because of our indian heritage.. No I'm not just saying that.. I'm not 3 parts Cherokee.. I'm actually Choctaw..and my mother is a medicine woman.. Alot of people wont understand that either.. or even believe in it.. but she is WHO she is.. and I am who I am.. and we really don't give a flying fig newton who believes or agrees.. We know what we know..
Anyway.. she was crying and burning sage and lavender.. (do ya research) and so we had to get still..she wouldn't get there until I did.. so once we talked .. we were good..

But then.. it hit me again.. Did I do the right thing? Did I just sign my dad's death certificate? I feel like a murderer.. Yea.. I know it sounds crazy but until you are HERE.. you can't Know what this feels like.. I know that they changed his Ivs and they have to change them every 72 hours ..They don't have anymore veins to use so.. he won't get the meds.. which means..


sigh....


Life really fucking SUCKS.. I have had all of my friends with me through this.. some for 4 years..  and I just don't know what to do with myself.. How do you go through your normal day knowing that that call is coming.. How do you smile when you can't even  breathe..The funny thing is.. I posted a stat that said I needed soft sheets music, and a strong shoulder..before all this happened.. and more than one person asked me ... where my man is..  He's here.. but sometimes.. the people closes to you are too close to the situation.. It's not that I don't love my man.. or that he doesn't love me.. that is SOOOO not the case.. but with going through this with me all these years.. he has his feelings and opinions and right now...  I just want to be somewhere with people who WON'T talk about this.. who won't remind me of what is going on.. who will just let me BE in their space and I don't have to think ... about anything..

No.. it has NOTHING TO DO WITH CHEATING OR SEX ... cause I know that's what a few of you are thinking.. It has to do with being sheltered from the world where nothing and no one can find you for just a Lil while... where I can breathe.. think.. collect my thoughts and myself.. cry if I need too with out someone telling me how I SHOULD feel and to be strong for the family.. FUCK the FAMILY.. those muthafuckas haven't done 1/100th of what I have.. so they don't deserve anything from me other than an ASS to kiss.. When my father dies.. I won't have anymore FAMILY.. I will probably never hear from any of them again... and I really wouldn't give a shit..

I just ... need to be someplace other than here.. can ANYONE understand that...