TIRED.. But I'm moving away from BITTER BITCH BLVD..

So.. I'm sitting here talking to my friend Q.. and says to me.. that everytime he hears the song "TIRED" by Kelly Price.. he thinks of me..  I had never heard that song before.. so I went to youtube and this is what I found..





"Tired"

There's a whole in my heart...
My soul... is bleeding...
I need to free...my mind...
And see what...I'm feeling
Cause Lord knows, Lord knows,
I'm......

(I'm tired)
Tired of the way he treats me
(Tired)
Tired of the guilty feelings (tired)
Tired of the broken dreams (tired)
I'm (tired) tired of the public scenes
I'm (tired) tired of the Baby Mamas (tired)
Tired of the ghetto drama (tired)
Tired of the back and forth (tired)
I'm (tired) tired of in and out the courts
I'm (tired) tired of all the games and lies
I'm (tired) tired of phony alibis
I'm (tired) tired of praying that it works
I'm (tired) even tired of going to church
I'm (tired) tired of paying these bills
I'm (tired) said I'm tired of keeping it real
I'm (tired) tired of crying (tired)
and I'm tired of smiling (tired)
I'm tired of the haters
I'm (tired) I'm tired of the players
I'm (tired) tired of the games
I'm so tired (tired)
Cause it's about to drive me insane (tired)
And Oh I'm so tired of taking it (tired)
Said yeah I'm so tired of faking it (tired)
Cause you don't do it for me no more (tired)
You just don't do it no more (tired)
I'm tired of being wronged and doing right
(tired)
Said I'm tired of keeping peace and tired of fighting (tired)
I'm tired of letting go, then holding on (tired)
I'm tired of feeling weak and being strong (tired)
So let me hear if you tired (tired)
Gotta make some noise if you tired (tired)
Oh throw them up if you tired (tired)
Now wave your hands if your tired

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Let it go!


How in the hell did she know? I mean how the hell did HE? I've lost a lot of things in my life.. and I can honestly say I don't know too many people who have SURVIVED the things that I have survived.. with the exception of his wife.. She doesn't know it but .. I look up to her for even waking up in the morning.. 


This song speaks so much to what has been in my heart for so many years and even recently..  I am TIRED.. really TIRED of  people expecting things of me that they aren't willing to do themselves.. For instance.. HAVING MY BACK.. I'm real sick and tired of being everyone's scape goat.. All I ever hear is "don't keep things bottled up Dionne.. it's gonna kill you".. But what they really mean is.. Don't keep what everyone ELSE does to you bottled up.. Just don't tell ME what I'm doing wrong.. Don't call me on MY shit.. cause that's just unacceptable.. So easy to point fingers in one direction and not realize that there are 3 more pointing right back at you... Now who gone check ME BOO? Most definitely NOT YOU.. 


I'm tired of people not standing by their word but wanting me to go above and beyond for mine.... are you serious? Are you HIGH? This is give and take.. a two way street..  


I'm tired of petty ass, nit picky people who want to point out my flaws and faults that THEY see in me.. Not realizing that they are more messed up than ME.. you don't always do things the right way.. far from perfect.. yet you have the gall to  come this way.. I heard a comedian say once that People don't appreciate shit cause they have never been through shit.. So until you walk a mile in my Wedge heels... Miss me with your salty ass sarcasm and criticism.. 


I'm really tired of people CLAIMING to have my back only to TURN their back on me to save FACE for people who only talk about them like a dayum dog.. But as SOON as something jumps off.. they come running back to me.. because I was the one that was down for them from the start.. That really urks the hell outta me.. I called myself the Come Back kid.. When people get tired of their flavor of the month.. or their charity cases... they come running back to me.. because they know I will be here the way they WANTED the others to be.. I can't even blame them though.. I've always given people so many chances.. and now.. I'm TIRED.. and THRU.. :) That's a Loss for you.. not me..  


My twin Tara and I had a conversation just before my wedding.. and she was really baffled at my logic.. I believed that everyone starts out with an A.. I was always told that in school.. Everyone comes into the new grade ( in the case the new friendships, relationships, jobs, families, etc.) with an A and you just have to maintain it.. But she was just the opposite of me.. she said people start out with an F and gradually work their way up to an A.. I have always been the one to give everyone a 2nd and 3rd chance in life.. and I try my hardest not to let PAST relationships, friendships, even family experiences contaminate my future relationships.. but now I understand why people are so freggin BITTER.. 


People really get tired of being strong for everyone else. They get tired of being the brunt of all the jokes and conversations.. *I* get tired of people PRETENDING.. and trying to * as they say* SPARE my feelings.. well to that I say.. FUCK YOU.. I am the strongest muthafucka you will ever MEET.. so don't spare me.. Spare YOURSELF.. You are obviously the one who can't handle the real deal... I have been through things in my life.. that I PRAY certain people will NEVER have to even dream about ... But I survived that shit.. ALONE most times..  So.. sparing me is .. just absurd.. just stupid.. 


I'm real tired of these people telling me who and WHAT I should believe in.. If YOU don't believe in this or that.. I don't come to you telling you that you are an idiot .. even though you really are the biggest one of all.. I let you find out for yourself.. I have the UTMOST respect for one of my childhood friends.. His name is Cameron.. He thinks a hell of a lot.. and he has his beliefs about certain things including religion but never ONCE has he called me out of my name for it.. WHY.. because he is a real fucking dude.. He can KNOW what he knows ALL by himself..and not give HALF a damn what anyone thinks about it.. or HIM for that matter..  


Omg... this song is on repeat.. because it says it all.. I finally got TIRED of pretending that everything was ok.. that I was strong as hell... I am strong.. but there are times when I needed to break.. needed to scream out.. BITCH FUCK YOU.. but I didn't because I truly don't like hurting people's feelings.. but sometimes.... Sometimes you have to get it out and give people the Bitness... And Kelly screaming her heart out like that.. was a release.. You have to have gone thru some reallllllll shit for it to come out that way..  and I know that feeling.. I'm watching a friend go through that very thing right now and it's killing me.. but that's her journey.. She has GOT to make it herself..  and when she gets TIRED.. she will scream the very same way.. and there will be a PEACE that she has never known....


I can finally cry tears of JOY and genuinely not give a damn.. I was hurt really really bad by something someone did to me.. pushed a dagger just 3 inches deeper in my back and that was IT.. That was exactly what I needed to be FREE of it all..  God .. peace is such a wonderful thing to have.. I'm enough.. Just ME... I feel so good these days that I really can't stand myself sometimes.. I can accept my faults and flaws... and have PEACE... WOW I feel like Shouting right now..  God, my husband and my family.. ( and that's not always BLOOD) I am in such a better place in my life.. I wish everyone could feel the way that I feel right now.. as I look at the new improved ME.. the slimmer me... I love me so much .. and I haven't done that in a LONG LONG TIME.. at least 20 years... and I feel like it's all been lifted off me.. I sleep better.. I feel better.. not perfect but better.. I can see the beauty in ME, and my children and my relationship and my family.. like never before.. 


I pray so much for those who have really taken me down through there.. I mean ya'll really let me have it.. and believe it or not.. I THANK YOU for it.. I thank you for opening my eyes to the realness... of who you are, who I am to you.. and now I have the strength to hand it all Back to you...  It doesn't belong to me... That's your baggage.. That's your insecurities.. that's your weakness.. All these years I have been MAKING myself be strong to take the blows of these crazy people.. but never had the strength to LOVE ME for who I am...  I had to find it.. and it took a long time... I think my daddy left here for both of us.. For HIS peace and MINE.. Love you Daddy...


I'm sure alot of you aren't going to understand this.. and some of you are trying to read this really really slow to see if I'm talking about you..  Don't stress yourself.. it's not that serious to you anyway.. I just pray that one day you find the peace that I finally have.... I'm finally strong enough to say it's ok to be WEAK... what a beautiful feeling... 


Thanks for reading all of this.. you didn't have too... but I'm glad you did... 




Btw, there is a tracker on this thing.. I didn't put it there.. but .. I know who is looking and when.. just thought you should know that before the phone calls start.. :) 


( MF101, 2011)




Signed .....

Dionne *OFFICIALLY THE MRS.* Grubbs 

xoxoxox