I can't not understand why I am suppose to be some super human with no feelings of my own.. and able to take just MOUNDS of Bullshit off of people.. Why have I been selected the one to take all the bullshit from every single person in the world.. and have the ability to turn the other cheek. This is MY life..and people seem to feel like I OWE them something.. I don't owe anyone Shit.. Least of all my mother.. She hasn't done anything for me since June 21,1975 when she went into labor.. unless you count all the bullshit I have been through because of her.. Jail, fights... foolishness.. all that.. all thanks to my mother.
I don't have anything to PROVE to her. I did everything she told me I would never be able to do, I'm a good mother, a college graduate... a wife.. I don't need to PROVE that I beat the odds.. My life says it enough.. Maybe not to everyone else.. but to me.. I'm done with this. My biological mother having a heart attack today means nothing to me.. That's what happens when you tell your daughter she will never amount to shit, that she is the reason a marriage didn't work.. because as a 12 year old... I took her husband from her... *_*.. I don't need to sit in the heat again with my small children because she wouldn't let me come to her house for shelter with HER grandchildren... I no longer think that I DESERVED to be raped.. according to HER I asked for it.. I called and checked on her tonight.. but when I had a heart attack and actually DIED.. she could have cared less.. When my father died.. she never called.. she only went after the MONEY.. Has YET to call and say are you ok? And we won't even talk about the shit she did to my sister...
I see that my feelings will NEVER mean anything to anyone and I do mean ANYONE.. As long as I am doing what everyone else Wants me to do.. I will be loved... well to that I say .. Fuck it.. I threw my Give a damn down the street and watched it get run over by an 18 wheeler. I am tired of living my life so that noone will be upset with me.. I'm not doing what others THINK I should do anymore.. I'm doing what's best for ME.. and my children.. and SHE is not good for either of us. There would be no real need to go see her.. and I'm not hoping for any type of reconciliation with her because she is poison. Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean that I have to continue to have her in my life.. When she told me I was NO LONGER her daughter.. It hurt like hell... but I have accepted that and it's good now.. I don't believe in these outta body ... come to Jesus.. feelings people seem to get when they have treated you like shit all your life. It's not my responsibility to get you into the pearly gates.. That's all it would be... and I'm not falling for that shit.. I pray for her.. but being in her presence is the most UN-SMART thing I could ever do.. I could easily black the hell out and choke the shit out of her sitting in that bed. I know people are hoping for the best ( in their mind).. but I'm done with the fairy tales and happy endings.. I have prayed for her.. and I will pray for her always.. but that's all she gets.. I don't feel a NEED to rub anything in her face because she is irrelevant to me ..
So, although I thank everyone for their concern and well wishes.. I can't be a fool for her or a do girl for anyone else. I am literally tired of dealing with everyone else's dumb shit and then them wanting me to be their savior so that they can get to Glory. It is YOUR job to do that for yourself.. I don't take ownership of that guilt anymore.. I have to have MY LIFE back.. If noone understands... oh well.. but life goes on.. I had to learn that the hard way...
What I've learned... is .. Turning the other cheek only means you get slapped TWICE..
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