Today ... I woke up to an alert from Facebook from my niece ... She was talking about how much she missed her grandfather.. It breaks my heart that my babies have so much hurt in their hearts. I wish I could fix it for them all.. Their grandfathers loved them more than anything in this world... They both said that they were fighting with GOD to stay here for them.. Can you believe that.. They loved them SO much that they were willing to give up HEAVEN just to spend more time with them.. Priceless.. I tried my hardest to try to make her understand but then again.. there are things that I don't understand.. I wish that my father was here to explain them to me..
We have to Mime 3rd Sunday at church on FATHER'S DAY of all days...my 1st without my daddy.. and I swear I don't know if I will be able to make it through this.. The song we are ministering to is Marvin Sapp " Never would have made it"..... It's almost poetic huh? It took everything in me to get up and go to church this morning for practice.. because everytime I THINK of this song... I start to cry.. But as my father taught me.. I had to suck it up and get it done. I walked in and one of our Elders was there waiting on me so that he could talk to the entire group. I'm glad he waited because I needed to hear exactly what he needed to say...
Since my wedding, I have had some really big wake up calls... lost friends that I thought would always be there.. people assuming alot, saying things to me that others are saying ABOUT me, people in church having an issue with me because they have issues with people I am friends with.. and just basically being ostracized for whatever reason. I, for the LIFE of me, couldn't figure out why...and I have gone over it and over it in my head ... Did I do something wrong.. When did everything change? What the hell happened... And as soon as Elder B started to speak... it hit me like a ton of bricks.. There are/ were people in my life who didn't need to be there in the beginning.. Some are around for the wrong reasons, some are jealous, some are just plain SAD. not sad in the sense of they are pitiful.. but sad in the purest form.. They don't have any joy in their life.. He said .. the happiness that I have, the dedication to the church that I have ( even though I am far from what most consider CHRISTIAN) .. the sacrifices I make for others... It's a slap in the face to some people because they are trying so hard to have a VOICE in this world that they would use anything and anyone to be noticed.. I have been that sacrifice ... I have been the scapegoat ... but I'm coming into my SEASON. It's funny that he said that because one of the people I lost... or as he says Lost ME.. use to say that to me often.. I guess people really are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Now, am I perfect.... **** NO!... no way no how.. I mess up DAILY!..Some times everytime I blink my eyes I'm having horrible thoughts about people. I want to choke them for the way they have treated me or for not being the people that they appeared to be ... But then I think about it.. They were ALWAYS the people I thought they were... or felt they were...because I am a pretty good judge of character with people.. They were what I tried to make myself believe they WEREN'T.. Maybe I didn't hug them enough when I walked into the church.. Maybe I didn't call them enough ... maybe .. maybe maybe... But the bottomline is... I am changing .. and whether I believe it or not... others are starting to see it for themselves.. Can I live up to what they want me to be.. Definitely NOT.. no matter how my heart may desire to be the best person I can be.. I'm never going to be who OTHERS want me to be... and for the first time in my life .. I'm good with that... I have lived my life.. in the shadow of others.. ALWAYS.. my sisters, my mother's past.. what ever... but now .. Finally.. It's MY turn and I'm not a terrible person.. Their words were just that.. LIES.. their expectations were WRONG..
So now ... I'm learning to love me for the Fabulous person that I am.. I'm not putting a lot of faith in people because I have been fooled before ... My Twin tells me that People shouldn't start with an A ... as I say.. They should start with an C..( well she says F hahahaha.. but we settled for a C) With a C you are on level ground.. its up to YOU to choose which way you go from there... I think that's fair.. I've always wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt but ... that hasn't worked.. Its crazy to keep putting my hand on the fire and thinking I won't get burned again... Those before have made it harder for those to come... OH well... Friendships/ relationships/ associations shouldn't just become REAL.. they need to be earned.. I'm worth that.. The people I want in my life are WORTH that.. They shouldn't just ACCEPT me at face value either.. I have faults.. Lots of them... But mistreating people is not my thing.. I hate that.. but it happens.. I'm human..
We will see what the rest of this year brings.. but for right now.. Where I am ... with my friends, my family and my husband.. I'm GOOD ...
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